Divorce or what?

Question

I suggested to my husband that we need to go to marriage counseling because we have a communication issue. He tells me that I may need to go but he's not going. If he needs to go then we should get a divorce.
MY PROBLEM IS:
1. He belittle me and my ideas about us. Ex. I suggested to open us a joint account he never did then months later he open him an account closer to our house and wanted to add me to it.
2. I suggested for us to open up a retirement account he stated to me that I do it and contribute the money all by myself.
3. I suggested that he needed to get some life insurance and I got pissed when we went to handle that and he wasn't the beneficiary.
How can I stay in this relationship when we can't go as one. I feel as if I'm living with someone that I am supposed to be able to trust my life and wealth with yet I can't and don't. I can't grow with him. Everything is either mine or his. This is so damn selfish and I can't take it anymore. AM I OVER REACTING OR WHAT?

Answer 1

I totally agree w/ the first answer. Why wasn't any of this discussed BEFORE marriage? Is your relationship based only on physical attraction??

Answer 2

I've been where you are and I'd say these are warning signs of a controlling man. I was in a controlling marriage for almost 9 years, and I can tell you that my husband was a master at making me feel like crap when I tried to discuss finances, (among other important issues) with him. As long as you go along with his selfish ways he will never change. I know you don't want to stir his verbal abuse, but trust me, this is not healthy for you, and that is what's most important. I don't know the rest of your story, but what I can say, is LISTEN TO YOUR GUT! He will tell you that you are overreacting, to get you to shut up and back off. I'm a year free of my damaging marriage, and even though it was the scariest thing I've ever done, I am SO happy now. Don't sell yourself short because LIFE is too short!

Answer 3

It's seem to be money-related problems...
I have no comments on those issues coz' these issues does required careful handling and proper communication.
But from the way you say he response. i.e If he needs to go then we should get a divorce.
That's a very strong statement. If he cares, he shouldn't have said that even he doesn't wish to go. If I were you, I will be very very angry. Does he treasure the relationship? Maybe. maybe not. He may not mean what he said. If he is is a jerk and I will divorce with him. However, if he still have some good points for you to focus on and you still love him, think twice before everything is too late. The decision is yours.

Answer 4

This does not sound like a communication problem, but a difference in points of view and attitudes. I suspect a good couselor (very hard to find) would say, "Get a Lawyer." Meaning that you proabably should not stay together. It took my wife and I several years to learn to get along, but we agreed aon the big stuff and liked each other and enjoyed each other's company in all ways. So we hung on (I have a very low tolerance for frustration and was getting a lot.). My wife, finally did what a couple of supposedly good couselors and a couple with good reputations,but real freaks and dangerous (One abused her hjusband in public while we happend to be in a stre at the same time). could not. She told me that, despite my doing things that burned her up, she really loved and admired me and could not see that ending. Since then , we've not only gotton along well 99% of the time, but most of what used to really upset me doesn't any more. I had not fully believed that the loved me as close to "unconditionally" as anyone could (There are always conditions, if a person is not messed up and willing to put up with absolutely ANYTHING!). We've gone through a lot of difficult times since - as allies, together! We are better than best friends and, silly as it sounds, after about 16--17 years of marraige, finally almost totally at ease with each other (not afraid to be seen at our worst as well as our best!
You, like many seem to be focusing on specific events, etc., when the whole thing is really whats out of whack. Try looking at it that way.

Answer 5

I do not think you're over reacting. You're stating very provocative situations here, it seems he does not have a sense of sharing anymore, the relationship has lost its magic.
These problems can happen in any house but couples should be able to solve it. Yet he does not even accept counseling.
I think for the sake of your marriage you should speak with him and try to find out what caused the change, this will at least show you his intentions and whether or not things can be mended between the two of you.

Answer 6

I don't know how long you have been married, but when you married you became one. Do not let him belittle you. You are better than that. What do you need from him? He doesn't want to share anything with you. There are lots of men out there that would love to have someone like you. Do not let this man continue this behavior toward you. This is called mental abuse and you will pay for later, so think about alternatives. Good luck.

Answer 7

Things like finances, life insurance, and retirement are just three things you and your husband should have discussed before tying the knot.
It's sort of late now to realize he's selfish.
And there's really not anything you can do to change him if he isn't willing to change himself.
If you can't go as one, you can't go at all or you'll be completely miserable.
If he won't get counseling and he won't communicate with you, it's not going anywhere.
I'd suggest divorce.

Answer 8

I do wish you could convince him that marriage is a partnership.
And to go to counseling with you. Perhaps you can remind him of the wedding vows you both took. And what they meant to you both. Good luck!

Answer 9

You are not overreacting at all. Marriage is a partnership. It takes work and its obvious that he doesn't want to do any of that work. You need someone who is going to want to be involved in the decisions with you.

Answer 10

No you're not overreacting. Marriage is about becoming one, about having "ours" rather than "yours" and "mine". He has no interest in changing his ways, only in having it his way. Sounds like you made a mistake, so you would be wise to fix it, which in this case is divorce.