My husband and I have really been arguing lately. I suggested marriage counseling but he refuses.?

Question

I really am thinking about calling it off and find a good lawyer. I feel consumed by him. He tries to make me feel bad about things that he does. He has feedom and when I want some space of my own he lashes out at me. How do you stay with someone who you can't even trust in a marriage?

Answer 1

This is the kind of situation that bothers me. He sounds like he has control issues. He wants to have all the power and make you powerless. Avoid giving him this power. You are a special person and you need to show that his behaviour is unacceptable. If he doesn't want to talk to you or have marriage counselling he is giving up and wants you to feel bad about it. You need to be empowered and tell him that if he is going to treat you this way and wants to give up then it's his behavior that needs to change. Any relationship is a two way street. Make sure you have someone with you when you say this to him.

Answer 2

Well this might not make much sense, but I hope I can get it out right so you can at least get something out of it. My hubby and I went thru that for about a year. When it came to the whole freedom thing we mutually agreed on some ground rules. For one, we don't go out unless its together. Not saying that either of you is a cheater, but if trust is an issue then its a great way to avoid fights. This way their can't be much room for any he said/she said crap from the local gossipers or anyone else who just likes to talk. Also, you both know where the other is and what they are doing. If it sounds controlling, I guess it is to a point. But I would rather live my life happily with my hubby than live it unhappily without him. So this works good for us.
Make sure he knows that you appreciate the fact that he goes out and works hard for you and your kids if you have them. Guys don't like to admit it, but they get even more depressed than we do when they feel like no one gives a darn about them.
When he asks you to do something for him-do it. And expect the same from him. Don't fall into the rut though of just doing everything for him when he wont do anything for you. That makes a person hateful and resentful. Make it a fair trade.
DO NOT give ultimatums to a man. This only challenges their make ego and stubborness even more...you won't believe how far a man will go just to try and prove you wrong. (Ok, maybe you do know. LOL) Plus, you don't want to put any more tension on astruggling marriage by saying..if you don't change in 3 months, or go to counseling, or whatever, then I am leaving. This will make him think you are the one looking for the way out. See if maybe he will talk to a priest or pastor of some sort...not the one at your church if you go. But let him decide that. Men are one extreme or the other...either they would rather talk to someone they know very well or someone they have never seen before..no one in between.
Watch his actions, he may be lashing out at you because he is stressed from work, or has a problem with a co-worker, or maybe feels down in the dumps that he is not where he hoped he would be at this point in his life. For example, he made the choice to quit going to college to be a certified auto mechanic and now he is working at a job that barely supports his family and money is always tight. He might be depressed about the decision he made and feel horribly because he feels he is not taking care of you the way he thinks you shold be. And no matter how many times you tell a man you are happy and that you love him...it takes FOREVER to sink in when they are depressed. They can't accept a compliment for anything!
Try to be his friend again like you were back in the very beginning. Do something extra special for him that you have not done in so long you can't remember when you did it last. Make him a meal you know he loves and that he knows you hate to cook or do something for him in the bedroom that makes him remember when your love was new. Its the little things that count to men. Just like us women.....

Answer 3

There's several missing info in your question that you failed to detail. For example: being consumed by him (how?), you feel bad about things that he does (what things?) and lastly, you said you can't trust him (why?)

It seems that in your eyes he has too many faults. And perhaps they are really not that big (given that you didn't even mention at least one example of his profoundly unforgiveable misbehavior ~ whatever that is). I can understand why he refuses to see a marriage counsellor because it isn't clear to him what he has done wrong. You haven't communicated it to him in the right way. Instead, you want someone else to tell him that the marriage is not working and that its not your fault but only his. You want someone else to deliver the bad news to him... that you don't love him anymore. Its the truth. You don't see his good points anymore or why he is special. And from the lack of sensitivity in your query - it's clear that you don't want to save this anymore and just don't know how to go about it.

It is confusing when you say "he has freedom, and I want my own space". What you're really saying is you want your freedom, and the only reason you "feel bad about the things he does" is because don't know how to "free" yourself. It is your own guilt that is consuming you, not him. So stop putting the blame on him.

Tell him the truth and please TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for your own faults. Spare him this misery and guilt-trip. The separation will hurt him but its for the best. Do this last gesture of kindness and let him find his own happiness, let him find find someone WHO WILL APPRECIATE HIM. By doing this, you set yourself free.

Answer 4

The answer is that you don't stay with someone you cant trust. Trust is the key in a relationship. I say you call it off. You deserve someone better who doesn't consume you. No one should try to make you feel bad about what they do. That's there own problem. Good luck!

Answer 5

You must try to work things out. You made a commitment to each other for life. Marriage has its difficult periods but as long as you always communicate and have a good understanding, then your marriage will be good. Also you must consider that he obviously loves you even if he behaves in a way that confuses or upsets you.

Follow him in everything but most of all, communicate your thoughts and wishes and try to openly talk about your future and what goals need to be met in order to have a happier life.

My husband and I have a great marriage but we realize that to keep it going this way we have to constantly make plans and set positive goals individually and also as a family in order to maintain a happy life.

In other words, you don't just arrive to a point in marriage when everything is happy ever after, you have to think towards the future and consider that with time both of you will obviously not be the same two people as life and progressing age requires us to go into new phases. For example, when we first married we were focused on financial balance. As time moved forward we became parents to our first child. And now we are in the keeping up with the Jones mode balancing family, friends, our children, and improving quality of life in mid-career. So my point is that both you and your husband should consider this and try to think of better ways to move forward in your life together as husband and wife. Best of luck to you.

Answer 6

You know what, today men are put under so much pressure at work and tough as it is for a wife to accept, they seem to take it out on their nearest and dearest, namely you! I know exactly what it feels like and instead of arguing back, understand and gently ask him to not take it out on you or just handle it! We have to be there for one another. Everything is irritating them at this time of the year. The men are tired and frustrated, since the year has been long, and they simply want christmas leave to happen fast, so that they can take it easy and rest. I think the fact that their bonuses get gobbled up in christmas gifts and celebrations is enough to depress anyone. Even more he wants to be able to provide for all and sundry including you and it upsets him to see how hard he has worked, and how quickly his income is depleted. I guess we cant blame the poor souls. Instead of murmuring and complaining, rethink your thoughts. DOnt think divorce. Trust me you dont want to go there. Rather just be the friend he needs and the sounding block even if there are things he says that you dont agree with. Just listen and hear and thats all he wants. Remember men are problem solvers and dont want women solving their problems for them; so your role is to listen and just be his friend, overriding all feelings and emotions that might come in the way. Hold your breath and count to 10 before you reply. Trust me it works. I learnt this the hard way! Just go that extra mile! I went the road you want to go and thank God he came home again. You have to be accountable to one another. Its so necessary! Today more than ever we must not quit, after all what is our commitment to one another? Its time we all became real and faced the truth instead of quitting. Dont quit. Change your way of thinking. People will give you all the negative answers and tell you to dump your man. DOnt liisten to them. Those people have been quitters. DOnt you follow the stream rather swim up stream. Its worth all the effort! Listen to the right voices. Listen to GOds voice! IF you dont know it seek it. It really is there. WHen your strength fails he gives you strength to stand up again. Its worth pursuing!

Please dont quit. Buy the book "Wild at heart" by John Elderedge
It explains how men tick very clearly and its a great gift to buy your man for CHristmas. HE will really relate to it. For the ladies theres the book written by his wife Staci called "Captivating!" Both books are excellent. HIghly recommended.

PS I am from South Africa so I dont know american authors. I just read their books.

God richly bless you and may your christmas be sweet, loving and joyful. May God bind you both closer together with his love.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Answer 7

If you dont trust someone in your marriage, the marriage is already over, unless the other person gains it. I suggest sitting down and talking to him, instead of arguing, arguing gets really old.

Answer 8

Clueless, you're in a tough situation. Relationships are the toughest thing in the Universe, beginning with our relationship with ourself. So let's start there. How do you feel about yourself? Do you honor yourself as your own best friend? Do you celebrate your own greatness. Have you learned to love yourself in the sense that you feel comfortable with how you are? Go to that place. Then look at your relationship. It it honoring you? Do you feel this relationship is worth saving? Just because you're married doesn't mean you have to stay married...nor does it mean you have to divorce. You do have to decide whether you want this relationship to last. If you so decide, ask him if he wants it to last. If he says yes, then ask him what he is willing to do to make it last. If he won't make the effort, then consider whether he is worth further effort from you. Good luck.

Answer 9

ok, here is how you trust him. pack yourself some clothes and some things in an overnight bag and ask a friend if they want to go on a weekend trip with you somewhere. don't tell him or even leave a note. when you come home a few days later ask him if that is what he wants all the time.

Answer 10

Another pathetic marriage failed, haha. Figures. Congratualtions on becoming just a small part a ridiculous statistic.