I have issues with codependancy but i cant find any information about what this can do to my children?

Question

as i said I have terrible codependency problems and I am currently not recieving any type of help, Im a little worried about what affect my codependancy issues can have on my children and I was wondering if anyone could help me find out any information on this or if you know anything about the effects that codependancy of a parent has on a child? Any help you could offer I would greatly appreciate. What can I do after recieving help to keep this from effecting my children?

unfortunately im only a level one so I cant rate the first to answers but if I could I would give you both a thumbs up, thankyou you have both been very helpful

Answer 1

i too am suffering very badly from codependency and never knew it until just recently. this artical explains it which you probably know, but it states the best way to stop it is to let children be care free, not have to try and read people and make them happy. but let them be a child not a care taker and they should be better.also i think if we teach them then they will know how to recongnize it and maybe stop it in themself.


Codependence?


By Dr. Irene Matiatos Ph.D.



Some of the nicest people I know are codependent. They
always smile, never refuse to do a favor. They are happy
and bubbly all the time. They understand others and have
the ability to make people feel good. People like them!

So, what is wrong with this? Nothing, really, unless the
giving is one-sided and so excessive that it hurts the
giver. Then, the giver is showing the signs of codependence.

Partners who go out of their way for each other are
interdependent. Only relatively healthy people are capable
of interdependent relationships, which involve give and take.
It is not unhealthy to unilaterally give during a time when
your partner is having difficulty. You know your partner will
reciprocate should the tables turn. Interdependency also
implies that you do not have to give until it hurts. By
comparison, in a codependent relationship, one partner does
almost all the giving, while the other does almost all the
taking, almost all of the time.

By giving, codependent people avoid the discomfort of
entitlement. Giving allows them to feel useful and justifies
their existence. Rather than simply approving of themselves,
codependent people meet their need for self-esteem, by winning
their partner’s approval. Also, because they lack self-esteem,
codependent people have great difficulty accepting from others.
One must feel deserving and entitled in order to accept what
is offered.

Codependent behavior is not easy. It requires a lot of work.
It hurts. These individuals typically suffer with low self-esteem,
depression, anxiety, and especially guilt, as well as other
painful thoughts and feelings. They judge themselves using far
stricter criteria than they use to measure the performance of
others. While they are brutally critical of their own misbehavior,
they are very good at justifying and excusing the misbehavior of
others.

Codependent people misplace their anger. They get angry when
they shouldn't, and don't get angry when they should. They have
little contact with their inner world and thus very little idea
about how they feel. Usually, they don't want to know because
it gives rise to painful emotions. It is easier to stay on the
surface and pretend things are peachy keen, rather than deal
with the stuff going on inside.

If they were to look inside, they would find their emotional
starvation. They are busy taking care of others. Yet, they do
not meet their own needs!

They may put up with abusive relationships or relationships
that are not fulfilling because any warm body beats (gasp)
no warm body. Being alone is perceived as scary, empty,
depressing, etc. After all, who will deliver their emotional
supplies? Who will distract them so there is no time to deal
with their inner life? Even an abusive relationship is better
than no relationship.

These loving, giving people find interesting ways of explaining
their behavior to themselves. Loyal to a fault, a codependent
individual is likely to rationalize a loved one's disrespectful
behavior by making excuses for them. "He doesn't mean it."
"It was not done with malice." "It is the best he can do." "She
had such an awful childhood." Etc., etc., etc.

The central concept is that the codependent individual "takes
it" and "understands," despite feeling hurt. Waiting for
brownie points in heaven, or for a loved one to be magically
healed through their persistent love and care taking, they
accept disrespect from others. It does not occur to the
codependent person that it is not OK to "take it" and "put up"
no matter what!

Much of this abuse acceptance occurs without the codependent
individual feeling abused! More accurately, these individuals
do not feel OK enough to expect respectful treatment at all
times, and to notice when it is not forthcoming. Having grown
up in a home where a parent or sibling demanded inordinate
attention (due to addiction, illness, anger, or other problem),
the codependent person is trained to care for others. Having
grown up in a difficult environment, a negative emotional climate
is experienced as normal and familiar. This is why there is
often little recognition of disrespect. If their partner is
angry or upset, the codependent individual will implicitly assume
that they did something to cause the anger. It does not occur
to them that it is their partner's responsibility to deal with
their problem and to treat others respectfully. It does not
occur to them that it is their responsibility to themselves to
stop another person's demeaning behavior toward them. But, how
can stop disrespect when misbehavior is not perceived as
disrespectful or abusive? Disrespect is normal.

An unfortunate side effect of the codependent person's willingness
to ignore, excuse, or otherwise allow the partner's abuse or
disrespect, enables the misbehavior directed at them to continue
and intensify. Implicit or explicit permission to continue
misbehaving is granted since the codependent partner "understands."

Because codependent individuals are approval-driven, they cannot
stand it when others are angry at or disappointed with them. As
such, they unwittingly place themselves in a position to be taken
advantage of. The more approval is needed, the less likely is
the individual to realize the extent of their self-sacrifice in
favor of tending to the needs of the other. This hurts
("Ouchhh!"), and creates or maintains depression and low
self-esteem, in a vicious, downward spiral.

While abuse, disrespect, or unrequited sacrifice angers them,
as it should, codependent people do not realize how angry they
are and at whom they are angry! Targeting the appropriate
person may jeopardize a source of approval and self-esteem.
To avoid facing reality, they distort it. Codependent individuals
are likely to somehow blame themselves and rationalize their
"over-sensitivity." They justify the other person's behavior
by thinking they must deserve the treatment they are getting.
This is preferable to facing the possibility that an individual
who provides a measure of their self-esteem is hurting them.

"Anger...is a signal that something is wrong and needs
attention".

Anger is healthy. It is a signal that something is wrong and
needs attention. However, if the source of anger is not
articulated, how can it be fixed? Codependent people are expert
at denying anger and turning it against the self - into sadness
and depression. Instead of asking themselves why are they are
putting up with… (fill in the blank), they ask themselves how
they could have behaved differently - to obtain a more favorable
reaction from their partner!

Unarticulated anger is often misdirected and expressed
inappropriately. Anger may be experienced as resentment,
expressed as an aggressive blow-up, or in passive-aggressive
acting out. The cognitive and verbal skills to appropriately
assert oneself are lacking.

Since codependent people are experts at controlling other
people's thoughts, feelings, and behavior, they feel hurt that
others don't reciprocate and "know" what they need. "If they
really loved me, they would know." Not so! Since codependents
do not have the self-esteem to ask for what they secretly want,
they are unlikely to get it. If they do make a request, it is
often a roundabout hint. If their partner cannot decipher the
request, they feel hurt and unloved. They believe they conveyed
their desires, when, in fact, they have not!

Because most codependent individuals are control-oriented, they
are very responsible. They are great employees. Tasks are done
thoroughly and on time. Even parts of the job that are not theirs
get picked up if coworkers are neglectful or slow. They try to
control outcomes, whether those outcomes are completed job tasks
or reactions from other people. Anything for approval.

However, some codependent individuals are very irresponsible,
in select or diverse life areas. They don't know how to or don't
feel the need to take care of some of their own basic needs,
especially if there is another person to care for instead. Why
spend the time trying to figure out what the self needs, when
the self doesn't really matter anyway? It is far more preferable
to be out avoiding one's own issues: out having fun, hunting for
a partner, or self-medicating feelings.

Codependent people are addiction prone. They may drink too much,
shop too much, eat too much, etc. Dulling the senses is a great
way to avoid knowing yourself and dealing with your feelings.
Intimacy is avoided. Intimate behavior requires familiarity and
comfort with one's internal world. Since the codependent person
regards ordinary human needs as shameful, embarrassing, dangerous,
or otherwise uncomfortable, meeting basic needs are often dismissed.

Any relationship that ignores the self is superficial.
Unfortunately, superficial relationships are safe...but empty and
unfulfilling.

Control is central to the "MO" of the codependent person. They
control their self-esteem by catering to others' needs. They
control by their over-responsible performance, picking up where
others leave off. They control by avoiding intimacy or by clouding
the mind. They control by advising others on what to do. These
individuals work very hard to control everything and everybody.
Yet, they neglect the one person they do have control over:
themselves. Read an example of taking control here.


Why Be Codependent?
by Dr. Irene Matiatos

Why would anybody spend time and energy to control outcomes,
while actively neglecting the inner self? How can they do this
and not realize they are selling themselves short? The Why: they
know no other way; the How: they received very good training
early in life.

Any dysfunction in the family predisposes a child to codependent
behavior. Children are biologically programmed to seek love
and approval. They have to be cared for or they will die. When
a parent or family member is dysfunctional, the child tends to
focus on this person--rather than on enjoying a carefree and
joyful kid existence. The child has to worry: if the caretaker
does not care take, the child dies. For example, in an alcoholic
home, little Sally has to worry about whether she can bring friends
home - because daddy may be in a bad mood and embarrass her.
Such events are training her in codependent thinking, the art
of anticipating the other person. If mom is physically ill,
Teddy has to worry about exerting her. Who would care for him
if anything happened to her? If daddy is angry and controlling,
Timmy needs to worry about pleasing him to avoid punishment and
humiliation - and to get his conditional love and approval.

Children are naturally egocentric. That means that they see the
world revolving around them. If mom and dad fight, children feel
that it is somehow their fault. Julie may try to make her parents
happy by getting straight As in school in an attempt to keep the
parental marriage together. Another child may have an abusive,
or simply overactive older sibling. Since the parents cannot be
there at all times to police the situation, the younger sibling
may learn to anticipate the sib's moods and to behave in ways
that might increase the probability of "safety." Or, perhaps
daddy is depressed. Jennifer may tiptoe around him wondering if
he is unhappy because she is not good enough. And so on. In sum,
codependent thinking tends to develop any time a child is growing
up in a home where life is not care free. Often, addiction can be
traced in the family tree of these dysfunctional families, whether
there is an active addict in residence, or not. Nevertheless,
these kids have an adult they have to worry about!

The codependent-in-training is taught to walk on eggshells. To
ensure survival, the child learns to be extraordinarily sensitive
in reading the moods and thoughts of others. The child learns
very early to pay attention to and tiptoe around the dysfunctional
family members - at the child's expense. These interactions take
place silently, implicitly. The child learns to ignore the self's
inner needs, instead pretending that all is OK.

When I tell my clients that codependent adults were once children
who had an adult to worry about, some sharply disagree. They tell
me about the loving families they came from and insist that their
family members were "wonderful," etc. As denial melts and
self-awareness develops, they begin to recognize the failings
in a caregiver that spawned their selflessness. Sometimes, both
parents were codependent, modeling no other behaviors for the
child to learn.


Help! Can I Fix it?
by Dr. Irene Matiatos

Good news! You certainly can! You can get control over
your life! You can stop trying to control the lives of
others and take charge of yourself!

While children are truly not responsible for their actions,
adults are. To experience a more satisfying life, it becomes
incumbent upon the adult to take control of the unavoidable
childhood or present-day scars they experienced. Parent don't
set out to hurt their children; neither do abusive partners!
We get hurt and we in turn hurt others because we are
imperfect. We may never achieve perfection, but we can
improve.

It is important to remember that we are in part a product of
our environment. If we mis-behave, we have learned to do so.
The good news is that what was learned can be unlearned or
modified. The best news is that, in my experience, codependency
issues are in most cases not particularly difficult problems
to deal with.

I find a blend of cognitive behavior therapy with an emphasis
on cognitive and verbal skills training combined with a 12-Step
approach very effective. Many self-help resources are available
from books to support groups, as well as professional guidance.
"Codependence" is cocktail party talk. Walk into your local book
store's self-help or psychology section and look around. Melodie
Beattie and Pia Mellody are two of my favorite authors in the
field.

Books On Codependency

Also, check out some of Albert Ellis' cognitive-behavioral
work that helps in stamping out irrational codependent thinking.
Self-help groups such as ALANON and CODA are 12-Step programs
that have their own formula help change codependent behavior.

So, go to therapy. Read, get to a meeting. Get yourself evaluated
for medication if you are depressed. Do whatever you need to do.
As an adult, you have options. You can take control of your life!
You are the only one who can take control of your life.

as of December 7, 2000

Answer 2

codependency..... you have issues you need to sort out with a professional.....

i dont really see much harm coming to your kids from your codependency issues in the short term but if you do not deal with your underlying issues then the codependency can be detrimental to your children's lifestyle. if you over nurture your child, they will never be able to develop the neccessary skills needed to survive independently, they may grow very clingy or very distant, especially during the tumultuous time that is adolescence where the hormones will cause independence urges which can be countering the codependence causing a large rift. Your kids will probably either be dangerously rebellious or dangerously dependent... the latter probably fine with you but bad for them.

codependency is often the result of past experiences and the act of repressing pain, so the only way to deal with codependency is to deal with these underlying issues, i would suggest professional help, maybe a counsellor.

Answer 3

Jesus Take the Wheel - Carrie Underwood

If Your Going Through Hell - Rodney Atkins

Believe - Brooks and Dunn