I keep lieing to my wife about smoking, why do I keep up this destructive attitude?

Question

I had a cigerette (first in a long time and lied to my wife about it. It seems that I not able to be honest about it to her or me and she thinks that I want conflict in out marraige. I don't want to lie to her but I am a shamed that I can't totally quit. The issue is not the cigs but the lying. She doesn't trust me anymore. What I want to know is why I can't be honest to her and feel that I have to lie about it. It just seems that I have this destructive trait on this subject. It is destroying our marriage. We need to know why I am like this. What underlying problem would cause this. I have really hurt her and it is driving her crazy. I just want to know why I feel that I have to do this. I want our marriage to be good but I just for some reason can't be honest to her or me about this.

Answer 1

Maybe you lie to her because you dont want to disappoint her and make her think less of you_

Answer 2

Sounds like the issue is with yourself. People lie because they feel inadequate in some way; they feel the need to create this "better" person. Why do you feel so bad about yourself? I'm sure you're wife is pretty, smart and obviously patient. You bagged a great lady, give yourself some points. You need to convince yourself that you are good enough so you don't need to lie anymore. If you want her to trust you, you have to be honest. Easier said than done but if she's worth it, you'll put in the effort. Maybe even a separation of a week or so will help you appreciate her more. Sounds like you're taking her for granted and that's not right. Your personal issues should not affect the marriage like that. She is your queen, start treating her like one. And what does a queen need? Her king--play the part.

Answer 3

My Friend,
First off I think you are both good people who have yet to understand each others needs and wants.
Love is many things a bond that's hard to break with true love.
You said:I don't want to lie to her but I am a shamed that I can't totally quit.
The truth is this should be your own choice of habit.
I think you tried quitting for all the wrong reasons.
There is a lot worse things you could be doing my friend and lying is one of them.
Tell your wife the truth and let her deal with it in her own way.
The truth is she will respect you more in the long run.
And yes I hid behind the garage and made trips to the store so I could smoke that cigarette.
There is a old saying my friend.
What you can't go over, then go under, and what you can't go under, then go through.
Tell your wife you love her very much and that you do not want to feel you have to lie to her about anything and that you plain and simply want to smoke.
Take Care

Answer 4

It's not about cigarettes. It's about lying. Yet you call lying destructive.
Listen to me, you can quit; I know you don't want to, but it sounds like you're doing a great job! There's nothing to be ashamed of when you feel ashamed that you smoked. You feel motivated to quit, that's all.
I quit once and for all when society at large turned on smokers. No longer was there a large group of people behind me advocating smoker's rights. That made it so much easier.
As for you, one question: is it just smoking? or are there other things you feel "impelled" to lie about?
Quitting any habit you enjoy is like climbing a mountain to get to a landfill. This is something you feel the need to be honest with her about, maybe you want her support. Doing things together can help a marriage. Think about it that way if you haven't.

Answer 5

It's just a cigarette! Losing trust over a cigarette, is really strange. Tell her that you are addicted to cigarettes. No one can make anyone else quit. I know, because I quit and yet still smoke when I'm anxious or drinking too much. My lover smokes a lot and no matter what I do I can't make him stop. It has to be his choice, but I do make him smoke outside. Your wife doesn't sound like she understands that about cigarette addictions, that's probably why you lied. You didn't want to upset your unempathetic wife!

If you really think this is a huge issue in your marriage that you can't seem to work out, counselling will be okay. Also, have you talked to your doctor about quitting smoking? There's a lot of ways to do it. Most smokers take a few times to quit.

Answer 6

The only reason you dont tell her is because you let her down and you yourself feel like a failure. We all fail at something. If you let her know you have failed then she will be that more understanding and can possibly help you get through this but by not letting her know its like you want to continue and its sneaky not losing control. When you get that urge to light up just go something else or call her and discuss it. There are 1-800 #'s out there to get you through it or help w/some strategies. Chew gum or hard candies. Good luck and thumbs up on the need to quit!

Answer 7

Shame and guilt are two normal feelings. When we say we are going to do something, and make it sound like a promise, it is really hard to face the person we made it to.
Another thing. There is a reason that you are having a difficult time quitting. Cigarettes are addicting, ( I used to smoke, and finally quit). And, are you doing it for her? or yourself? If you are doing it to please her, then you have a big expectation to fill. Just the stress of the possibility of failure is enough to keep you smoking. If you are doing it for yourself, and she is supportive, I would think that you would have no reason to lie. It has to be your decision...your commitment, ...and you struggle. You need to be in a supportive environment, where others are trying to quit.

My parents quit smoking by attending a smoking cessation class at their hospital. I could not believe that they, the most critical of my quitting smoking, actually quit. Wow, they had smoked 45 years. If they can quit, so can you, if you want to.

There are a lot of things I also did to quit. I would try to smoke cigarette butts, so to stop myself, I poured gross things over them, or water, so I couldn't smoke them. If I went and bought some, I may have smoked a little, and then the guilt hit me, so I would fill up the new pack with water and crush it. I filled up my ashtrays with cigarette butts, and poured water in it. Then, every time I wanted to smoke on, I took a big whiff. I watched things on TV, ( now you can look at autopsies on line), of peoples lungs after smoking. It is so disgusting that we even do that to ourselves. I took those big fat straws from restaurants, and cut them to the length of a cigarette, and held them like a cigarette, and chewed on them, and puffed on them. Now you can get those plastic things that you puff one that have the same effect as cigarettes, but without the smoke. That is what my dad used for a couple of years. It was with him everywhere.

Anyway, there are things to help if you really want to quit. If you don't, then you aren't affected by your smoking enough to quit yet. I hope you are successful in both quitting, and being honest about why you are quitting. Remind your wife that it is your issue, not hers. Even though it effects her, that is her choice to decide what to do if you do smoke.

Answer 8

It is the nicotine. Your weak *** loves the Nicotine. If you could you would have pronograhic sex with the nicotine. If you love your wife and you want to quit go see your health care provider and get the meds to quit. If not than keep smoking because chicks dig the Cigg breath.

Answer 9

smoking has been a problem for me also.I know having a wife and son isnt the best for smoking.But there are several programs to help slow down or stop smoking.Maybe like you we both need to ask them for help and support while either stopping or slowing it down. Check with the heart and lung assoc.

Answer 10

Sit down with her and tell her you have been lying. say this :

" Sweetie, i know you weren't expecting me to tell you this but i have been smoking. I have been lying to you, i only lied to you because i really love you and i don't want you to be upset with me or leave me because i love you a lot. Maybe possibley we TOGETHER can find some way to end my addiction"


THIS HAS TO BE A FULL PROOF CONVO! she will forgive you!!!!