Would you ever harbor any feelings of inadequacy if your wife told you that she had once had a threesome?

Question

My wife just told me that she once had a threesome, while we were dating but before we were married, many years ago. Now that I think about this, in addition to being hurt that she would dump this @#$% on me, I think that I might be feeling a little sexually inadequate. Nothing exciting, or twisted depending on how you look at it, like that in my past and I'm trying to figure out why I can't get the image of her and the two guys out of my head. I DO NOT find the image a turn on in any way so don't go there. I know the problem is mine. I've got to get over, around, past, and beyond, this before I end up in a rubber room. Yeah, know I'm being childish but the feelings are present and real even though I realize that they shouldn't be.

Well, I am the one she married and your right, I should focus on that. She only met these guys at a party and said rthat she wanted to experiment after they dared her. we were in different colleges at the time and were supposed to be in a monogomus relationship so I guess that is why she said that she felt that she had to tell me. It was years and several kids, ours, ago and she says that there is nothing to discuss,,,I suppose she is right but it's like a visual image cancer stuck in my head and I want it out!

Answer 1

First of all, are you absolutely sure it was two guys? Secondly, even if it was, there's no more reason to feel jealous or inadequate about two guys than about one. Would you feel just as badly if she had told you about something kinky she did with just one male lover in the past? If the idea of just one guy doesn't bother you, perhaps you can use that to slowly reason to yourself why two guys wouldn't be any more threatening. In fact, two guys should be significantly less threatening. Engaging in a threesome is more about the experience than the people involved, so it's entirely possible that she wasn't attracted to either of those guys as much as you.

In any case, there are two things you have to decide: (1) Why do you find this image so disturbing? Are you simply threatened by the idea of female sexuality being stronger than your own? Do you regret not having had more experiences when you were single? Did you save it for marriage just to find out she didn't? Obviously it felt like a slap in the face for some reason. Until you figure out why, chances are your relationship will not return to normal again. (2) Why did she tell you this? Were you simply talking about past experiences and she figured she owed you the truth? Was it during a fight when she wanted to insult your sexuality? Did she perhaps think you might be interested in experimenting a little together and told you that in hopes of exciting you? Her motivation for telling you is pretty important.

If I were you, I would definitely see a therapist about this one. Even if it's just for a few sessions. Then if problems between you two don't improve, you might want to go to couples counseling as well. There are obviously so deeper issues at work here, and you're not going to get past them by staying in denial.

In the meantime, take it from those of us who have had threesomes and have also been with men who haven't: a person's experience with threesomes, of lack thereof, does not necessarily make them a better or worse lover.

Best of luck! I wish you both well.

Answer 2

Maybe. If she constantly described things about the men that I wasn't and couldn't be...and how much she liked that aspect of the encounter (skin color, penis size, height, hair...) it would grind at me. But if she once mentioned that a long time ago she did something with someone else...that's a completely different thing. Try to not immediately & constantly focus on all the things YOU think she loved about the encounter that you aren't...LISTEN to what she actually SAID about it. Maybe it was experimentation & fun in the moment, but not something she's looking to repeat. Even if she enjoyed it so much that she does bring it up more than the one time...why does that bother you so much? She probably had MANY orgasms before she met you...why was the one/ones she had with these two guys so special? Get your ego out of this a little bit and remember all the great sex you had before you met her.

Unfortunately you're not giving much information about the circumstances surrounding this "dumping" of information on you so I can't say if it's a retaliatory thing in a fight, or pillow talk trying to see what might arouse you.

As to feelings of inadequacy...you must be doing something right if you've been married many years (one must hope.) If you don't know if you're satisfying your woman...try to talk to her a bit about what she likes. It helps if you can use a lot of foreplay and really focus on her during the time before intercourse. I can't go into serious detail since I'm not sure why you'd feel inadequate, but remember, she MARRIED YOU. There must be something she liked better about you than all the other people she's ever dated. Focus on that a little to get you through this mental funk you're in.

Answer 3

We've all had our times when we've done something we're not proud of. I'm sure you're included in all that. You should really be proud of her for telling you. In a marriage there shouldn't be any secrets between the two of you. She was clearing the air. It must have really took guts for her to tell you, I'm sure it has probably been weighing on her mind. The thing is, you shouldn't be online talking about this you should be talking to her. She was honest with you, you should be honest with her. If you're pissed, tell her. If you're feeling self conscious, tell her. Just keep the line of communication open. Don't be afraid to tell her that you feel inadequate. She may even be able to help you with that ;-)
Bottom line is, she married you. So obviously you were plenty exciting enough to keep her happy. Just take a deep breath and don't let something that happened so long ago ruin an otherwise good marriage. (I'm assuming)
Good Luck! And if the problem persists, go see a marriage counselor.

Answer 4

Think back to your previous partners. Do you still have vivid reminders of how the sex was with them? I think that's what your concerned about - your wife reminiscing about previous sexual escapades. Sex is all about curiosity, and by the sounds of it she had a one-off experience. Threesomes are not necessarily 'best sex' or a mind blowing experience. All it is, is sex with an extra person! Your feelings are completely normal, but you do need to rid yourself of them for your sake. Remember, It's in the past. If your married, you can tell each other anything, including the fact you feel inadequate. Talk to your wife!

Answer 5

did you think it was a monogamous relationship at the time? If so, she cheated on you, you have a right to be pissed. On the other hand, a lot of women want to try it, but its not the sort of thing you can do with someone you love.....I know I couldn't...but then I have a buddy that can make me agree to just about anything....I never had two guys but he can make me think six sounds fun.....go figure. You shouldn't be feeling inadequate....you make up for two men silly....that should boost your ego a lot! After all, there are things two men at once can do that one just can't.....smile sweety, she chose you! Although why on earth she brought this up now I have no clue.....is she always that stupid? Perhaps you should bring in another woman to even things out.

Answer 6

I tried to think back on some of the sex encounters I had in the past. They don't seem like much in light of the person I really found love with.
You are doing the right thing by admitting that you have a problem with it. I hope you can find someone who you can talk this stuff out with. Work on the here and now and the future.
Good luck.

Answer 7

Paul, people experiment every day.. Its out of her system. She is with you now and not having a 3 some everyday. She did it in the past. The past is where is should stay, it will do you no good to ponder it every day. My wife said the same to me and I was jealous because I never got to do a 3 some. I think everyone should to get it out of there system or see if that is the life for them. Do feel inadequate, she was experimenting that's all..

Answer 8

That totally sucks man.

Nothing to feel inadequate about.

My ex-girlfriend blew everyone at a party once. Totally sucked finding out.

I hate to say this, but this will drive you NUTS if you don't find a way to come to terms with this. I could write some run-of-the-mill modern day advice like "get some counselling with your wife" or "talk to her about it and tell her how youe feel". If you can pull that off great, but most women who have explored that type of thing won't talk about it with anyone.

If all else fails bone one of her friends. Then you'll both have something to talk about.

Answer 9

Perhaps she was feeling guilty, and telling you now may have made her feel better, but I don't think the point was to hurt you. Maybe she is unhappy sexually and this is her way of telling you. Maybe she wants more excitement. Keep up the communication if you don't want to hear this same story from her years in the future.

Answer 10

I have dealt with the same thiing that went on with my fiance and yes i felt very inadequate about the situation and you jsut have to express how you feel to your wife about it all and make sure that she isnt wanting to i guess you could say do it again and have her reassure you of that mmost of us experiemtn sexually to try new things and most of the times it isnt that good from what comes out in the end but just remebr that you married her for love and to cherish moments together and to leave the past behind im sure we have all did things that we didnt like to talk about. the best advice i can give you is sit down with her and have a talk about it and it will all work out.