What is the best way to deal with a spouse who has an addiction to Internet ponography?

Question

My husband has had an addiction to ponography since very young. He states that he has greatly improved - from 4 to 5 times a day to once a month. I found out about his addiction after we got married. I not too long ago found out that on one of his most recent business trips, he masturbated while looking at ponography on the Internet. I asked him why he masturbated. He told me that the women turn him on.
I am experiencing a wide array of emotions including: confusion, anger, sexual frustration, sadness, shock, etc. I love my husband very much; however, his addiction really bothers me. I have told him that it hurts me a great deal, also him and our marriage whenever he looks at other naked females on the Internet and masturbates. I have also told him to get help and talk to his accountability partner. He stated that he would get help but has not yet.
I have also asked him why he masturbates to other naked women on the Internet. His answer is that I am not there.
Help!!!!

Answer 1

I am so sorry that you are living with this nightmare. I was married to a man for 25 years who was addicted to pornography. LIke you it had started long before I met him, but he kept it a secret from me and I discovered his illness after we were married. For so many years it was a horrible black cloud over our marriage and our lives. He was so deceptive and lied to me for so many years. I would confront him, he would say it would never happen again, I would discover it again, the vicious cycle continued over and over until I just could not take it any more. I begged him to stop and to seek counseling. He didn't think there was a problem (most addicts never do) and so after 25 years I ended our marriage. I could no longer live with the adultery (which is what it was every single time he looked and lusted after another women). This was a very difficult decision for me because of my faith, but I knew that my marriage was not glorifying God in any way with all the lies and adultery. I was very fortunate and found a great yahoo on line support group for the partners of sexual addicts. They have helped me to cope and get a handle on this awful disease. It is very hard to recover from, but men do if they desire and want to save their relationships. They will always find a reason to put off recovery and my ex-husband just got into the whole addiction even further after our divorce, but that is his burden that he will have to acknowledge when he meets his maker some day. I wish you the best of luck. I wouldn't wish this kind of lifestyle on my worst enemy. Anyone who thinks that pornography addiction is "natural" or "ok" and we should just live with it and join in is very mistaken. This addiction destoryes lives and marriges by the thousands. It is becoming worse each and every day with the easy access to the internet too. Please no matter what, if you stay with your husband or not, you need to get into some counseling. It takes a very long time to restore what this addiction does to our self esteem, but you are worth it and more important then anything else, please know that this is all about him, it is his illness, his addiction, his disease, it was nothing that you have done or will ever do. NEVER allow yourself to take the blame for this. You deserve so much better then this life, as every women who lives with a man like this does. God Bless you.

Answer 2

In any relationship, there are things you can put up with, and things that are deal breakers. I will not be with a person who smokes a lot of pot. I don't think there is anything wrong with it, like it is some sort of moral issue or something... I just don't want to be around a person who is stoned all the time. If they smoke once in a while, at a concert or on vacation, I don't mind. But they must not smoke or be stoned around my kids. I won't have it. It doesn't matter how long you have been in a relationship. It either works for you, or it does not. If it doesn't, let him know. If he continues to smoke every day, then end the relationship. If it is okay that he smokes once in a while, let him know that too, but be clear about it. Good luck.

Answer 3

How was porn viewed as in his family? In my hubby's family his father watched porn on a regular basis. So my hubby used to think looking at porn was normal. Which unlike every other male will tell you on this earth that it is. Viewing porn not only sets up unrealistic views on how women should behave during sex and what they should do, but it also devalues the intimacy that sex brings into nothing more than what a casual hug would be. I mean look at how mainstream porn is in people's lives today and how sex is viewed as by many as something that doesn't have any emotional value and is not view as a big deal. Porn is no longer scene as something taboo but now its is glamorized and even their prostitutes that degrade themselves into having sex with men on film, magazine, etc for money are revered as "Stars"

Try seeking help from a marital councilor and someone that deals with people addicting to pornography.

Answer 4

For real, once a month!!! Ha...addiction...thats not an addiction.

Ok got that out of me....anyways. Guys have needs and want too. We are not things that just turn on and off. I once went 3 months with out masturbating but all I thought about was, I shouldn't masturbate. You act like this is a bad thing, maybe you should look up the health effects of masturbation, then if you think that it goes against gods will then maybe you should think, why is it that almost no kid ever needs to be taught how to do this and it just happens. Then maybe you should try it yourself.

If the porno thing gets to you, then tell him just to masturbate thinking about you, but to tell a guy not to do it is like telling him not to ever eat dinner again. He can do it but when it comes to dinner time, he is going to have to think about it the whole time and think about not doing it.

Answer 5

I do not know of any best way to deal with this issue. I enjoy looking at it myself, and my wife cannot stand it. I can understand your husband and it has nothing to do with you either. I wish my wife would look at it with me, but that is out of the question as well.
Have you ever thought about looking at it with him to see if there can be any changes or other desires that you two may like?
I know some women enjoy looking at it as well, and there husbands get jealous just like women get jealous.
I wish you and him the best of luck, and maybe you two could go to counseling or take a trip out of town for a weekend.
I know there are some people that will tell you that counseling is out of the question, because they are afraid to let the worms out of the bag.
I hope you two have a Happy and Safe Holiday Season.

Answer 6

Every guy does this, and they say otherwise they are lying. Men like watching other women, they want what they can't have. And it's not necessarily wanting that person but relief of anxiety, tension or stress etc. I would say that you join in as much as possible so that your part of the fantasy so that you can keep an eye on him as well!! It's not such a dirty thing, that's why there is a market for this type of thing.

Answer 7

There is nothing wrong with him. I'm 61 and masturbates at least 5 or 6 times a week. And the reason is, it keeps me home.
When my wife went through menopause, for her, and ME, it became 'menostop'. We had one really good sex life together, though I knew she was screwing other men when I went to sea...I was U.S. Navy. She was always at home when I came back to port or off of the ship after working hours. When we talked about it years later, she said it was strictly recreational and had never said 'I love you" to anyone of her partners. I guess her punishment for all of that was the menopause dried her out and no matter what we used for a lubricant, the act of 'preparing' for the act just turned her off. And the sexual thing became more infrequent as time passed by until we have not had sex in 15 yrs.....but I'm not out on the street looking for it, and I have had the chances with the girls at work.

Answer 8

keep open the lines of comuncation porn is a very addicting drug it needs to be treated that way a councler wuold be a good idea
porn can tear a marriage apart like any drug can you need to be there for him its sounds like you are talk as much as you can
porn is a fantsy world that is looks good to some men but they are actor and actress God can help as well you both if you want

Answer 9

For the sake of the marriage declare martial law and throw out the computer.

Answer 10

I have had sim ilar problem and there just seems to be no way to get them to stop... apparently it is something most guys do and they just hide it form us or try. the more you nag on him the more he will try to cover his tracks and prevent you from finding out. If it ends up costing you guys money or him cheating something definitely needs to be done though. May want to find out what sites it is he gets online to make sure it isn't the ones to meet people for one night stands and such.