How do I deal with my son's biological father?

Question

He will tell my son he will be at school programs, birthdays, etc. then fails to show. My son is 7, we live 1 1/2 hours away from the dad, my son is then crushed when he does not show. He will say there isn't the money, then will have a new high priced gadget the next time we are there. This past summer, he missed my son's birthday and then when we went to see him, he told my son he had a present for him, and then never gave it to him. His mom (father's) will send stuff for my son to him and my son never sees it. I could care less about the items, but my son is excited to know his grandma thinks of him and then is hurt when there is nothing there. I am tired of covering for his father, and do not know how to hold him accountable for his lack of being there.
Note: I am remarried and have a wonderful husband that treats my son like his own. He has raised him and been his Dad since he was 6 months old. It breaks both of our hearts to see my son hurting when his father fails to show.

There are no set visitations in place and he only sees him when I make the two hour trip up to where he lives. During this process, I leave my three other children at home with my husband and therefore take time away from them. I do understand a son needs a dad. I do not necessarily believe this must be the person that helped concieve him though. He has a dad that cares for him coaches his ball teams, take him to and from taekwondo, and overall is a positive male influence in his life. My husband is his dad. An added note: his grandmother lives over four hours away, so visiting her takes more extensive planning.

Ok. I see many are speaking of visitation. Despite laws placed on the subject, I have sole custody of my son. We were never married and he never signed the birth certificate. Therefore there is no visitation set at all. Ultimately it is my say so if he sees his son. I do not speak ill about him in front of my son, I was raised in a divorced household and would never put my son through what I heard my mother say about my father. My son's grandmother is not able to travel the distance required to come see him. She does e-mail back and forth with him, since we aare all very busy and calling is difficult. His fahter and I are friends do not argue or fight (we have fought once in the past five years). I have no quarms with his grandmother she does her best to keep in contact with him.

Ok. I see many are speaking of visitation. Despite laws placed on the subject, I have sole custody of my son. We were never married and he never signed the birth certificate. Therefore there is no visitation set at all. Ultimately it is my say so if he sees his son. I do not speak ill about him in front of my son, I was raised in a divorced household and would never put my son through what I heard my mother say about my father. My son's grandmother is not able to travel the distance required to come see him. She does e-mail back and forth with him, since we aare all very busy and calling is difficult. His fahter and I are friends do not argue or fight (we have fought once in the past five years). I have no quarms with his grandmother she does her best to keep in contact with him. Also on a side note. My son has never stayed with him alone. He has an ex (not me) that will show up without notice and start a fight. It is no place for a child to be.

Answer 1

I can understand how you feel...my ex does this to my two sons..he gets mad when I dont have them call for his birthday but yet has not remembered theirs in 6 yrs. As sad as it sounds he will get used to the disappointment and soon will not expect anything...good luck_

Answer 2

Sadly some people dont realize or even care about the damage they cause . I went through the same thing with my children and it was really hard . I just told my children that sometimes people will dissappoint you and I know it hurts , What they do have nothing to do with how you are as a person. I told them that they have wonderful people in their lives that will always be there for them .
As far as the biological father is concerned , I would talk to him about the damage it causes to your child. If he cant understand than I would seek counsel on how to handle the child support and visits .

Answer 3

whether it sounds advise, why do you opt for to have him to hold close the fact so badly? The bio dad gave consent, so it incredibly is unlike you abducted the newborn and are hiding contained in the Amazon pretending yet another guy is his Dad. The Bio Dad does no longer opt for some element to do with the toddler, ideal? So why positioned across heartache and questions and insecurities? curiously to me that a Dad is defined by using way of a people strikes, now no longer sperm be counted. If this new husband is being a Father on your son and the actual father does not opt for to be contained in the photograph i might enable it rest as is. If something ever got here up faster or later, flow that bridge collectively as you got here to it. spectacular fulfillment.

Answer 4

It is not your job to "cover" for the boys father....it is what it is. You are not doing your son any favor by covering for his dad. It is none of your business on what you ex-husband does or does not do. Focus on the positives in your son's life and don't degrade his dad. Be honest and don't bring up his dad and and, if he does, tell him that you do not know why his dad did not come.....no excuses. He is just learning early about the heartbreak of life and the expectations of other people.

Answer 5

don't take your son to visit him anymore or the grandma anymore let them know you are tired of being the only one taking initiative and that they are welcome to come see him or take him for outings whenever they like just tell your son you are sure his dad loves him he if just very forgetful just make sure to point out all of the good things he may do for him but more importantly other good things in his life and how much you and your husband love him maybe even have your husband sit down with him and explain he knows he's not his dad but that he will always be there for him as if he was whenever he needs him and that he loves him you have done all you could just comfort your son its all you can do

Answer 6

Thinking of your small son and how children of divorce are hurt already, it pains me that his real Father could be so cruel. Suggestion, this is a sense of child abuse to your son mentally. It's just down right cruel and unjust. Please talk to any attorny about this matter. Hopefully either visitation can be cut down or with drawn altogether.
It is a terrible sin in my book to allow anyone to do this to a child. I assure you the courts will come down on him.

Answer 7

I would tell your ex to stop hurting his son by telling him that he will be there for school etc. and got him a present and don't give it to him. tell him what he is doing to his son. tell him to be in his sons life and show up or stay out of it. for his grandparents on that side tell them if they want to send presents to your son to send them to your house and not the father, telling them that he never recieved them. and Im glad that your son has you and your new husband. hes lucky . be strong for your son. and I would not cover up what his real dad is doing to him, be honest with him because he will find out how is real dad is. good luck.

Answer 8

i personally have lived in a one parent family all my life, i have met my father once. i haven't seen him or heard from him in 18 years, i am right now trying to, and it's not going well. so all i can say is give him weekends, give him everything that you can for your sons sake. i really hate seeing kids go without their fathers and especially lil boys. talk to your son and see if he would like to go visit for a weekend, or go to grammas for a couple hours
... hope it helps, and works out for the best

Answer 9

I think you should tell him staight up on how you feel about what he is doin to your son.tell him that he is lettn your son down i think you should either keep your son away frm him until he becomes a man or make up for the things he lies to your son about.

Answer 10

it's heartbreaking . but remember one thing, never say anything negative about your ex. be there for him and if he asks questions tell him you don't what happened. he will grow up and realize that "DAD" wasn't there. my son and daughter finally realized what their father was , NOT DAD. i am also remarried and my husband loves them like his own. just love and be there for him. good luck.