my husband matt allows his exwife sue to control our house by using their son as bait(no he did not leave her?

Question

for me)She never liked me but it has gotten worse since july when i married "her" husband.Now its almost unbearable.They share joint custody but Matt always has to call sue and ask her permission for me to do anything with his son(example taking him shopping alone or attending a school fuction)If she says no than no it is.Once i sent a note to the teacher about homework and she found out and sent a letter to the school board saying i am to have NO contact with HER SONS school.The worst part is matt will not back me on any of these issues. He does not want to make any waves with her so he just goes along with whatever she wants.We spend almost everynight fighting over this and he will not see my side(he has told me to just accept it or he will leave me,period)Should i just back off and allow her and matt to do all the things with thier son like b-day/x-mas/school functions and i just stay out of the picture?Please i would like to here from others in blended families on what to do

Answer 1

He gave you an ultimatum. I'd take him up on it, because you are going to remain miserable with this arrangement.

He is afraid he will lose his son, and I understand that.... but he should also protect his wife. If he is unwilling or unable to deal with his ex and put her in her place.... you need to get out.

Best Wishes,

Sue

Answer 2

First of all, now that you are married, you have joint responsibiltiy for HIS son if they have joint custody. She does not have the right to bar you from being a resposible parent to him. It is her fear that he might like you better than he likes his own mother that is driving her. Now that you are a "permanent" part of his life, she sees you as a threat to the relationship between her and her son. Sadly, the one who will suffer here is the son. BOTH his parents are using him as a "pawn" in their dispute. I would suggest that you ask your husband to go with you to family counselling to get an impartial point of view about this issue. It will not go away, and either your husband forms a unified front with you or you will eventually get divorced. When his son is in your custody, you dont need permission to share activities with him since you are his step-mother now. If he resides in your home while he is in school, then you have every right to call and get his assignments and participate in school functions. Have your husband write the teacher a note stating that you are acting on his(your husband's) behalf in parental responsibilities for his son. All the teacher wants to do is cover her a$$ ... Your husband may need to go back to court to modify the custody issues. If he will not agree to any of these things, you may as well start the divorce, because eventually, you will be divorced over this if he wont get a backbone.

Answer 3

When he married you he agreed to share his life with you. If you cannot be a part of his sons life than you are not a part of his life. He is excluding you from the most important part of his life.

My (soon-to-be) husband has 3 kids, but I am allowed and encouraged to be a part of thier lives. I understand that I will never come before them and I will always be second in his life - because the children come first - and for a true caring father they always will.

You need to be willing to accept this fact to be able to be happy in your marriage. Are you willing to be set to the side during a majority of his life?

If there is joint custody, there is no threat of him losing the child. UNLESS the mother starts to accuse you of abuse. You are constantly going to have to be very very careful when you are around him because if he gets hurt around you, I'd make a bet the mother will blame you, and possibly take action.

This is a decision only you can make, but please read every (serious) answer and think about the rest of YOUR life. Your husband has made his decison.

Answer 4

my parents were divorsed by the time i was 6months and my father remarried when i was 6years old. through the courts i went to my other mom's and father's house every other weekend so there were no school issues and because both sides of my family were from different parts of the city my father had no say so about schools. his choice. i stayed for holidays because it was more fun there then @ my mom's house.

i am now 30 with child and married to a man that had children before we met. there are no problems with the older children, but there are some reservations with the younger children, because the mothers can not understand why he did not married them when they were there and had children by him; they hate me because we are married. when he and the mothers are on good terms he ask me for no help or tell me anything about the chidren i have to ask him, but as soon as they are on the outs he want me to almost take charge of the children as if i birthed them. botton line he is just trying to make the other women angry and to show them that i am a together woman and i don't care about the pattness and i know how to take care of business. i know i did not answer your question, but i hoped that i helped somewhat.

back to you...maybe you can ask him why he does not want you to be apart of his son's life. maybe he is scared of her. also if he will leave you because you are asking to be apart of his son's life then he has unresolved issues with himself and his pass marriage. think about everything. maybe you all need to sit down and find out what the problem is. oh wait, the father or the mother both do not have a back bone. he needs to man up and she needs to grow up.

Answer 5

No.NO. No.No. This is wrong. You should be able to make decisions when it comes to his son. You are his step mum now. You can be a great influence in his life not like a mother but as a friend. Your partner needs to get some balls and stand by you. Can I suggest that maybe councilling is in need. Either you are a family or you aren't. My partner and I both have children from previous relationships and we both have input on all the children. If I want to do something with his son we do not ask his ex. When he is with us he is with us and what we decide to do goes. Very simple.
I don't know how you deal with this i would have walked away by now.

Peace and happiness to you.

Answer 6

This sounds like he might still have feelings for her in some way. If he is willing to open his mouth and say that he'll leave you if you don't accept her rules than what the heck are you doing with him. I know you guys are married but it sounds to me like they never divorced. She is jealous. My husband better buck up and tell her what's up cause all that school board crap is childish. Put your foot down or leave him. It will only get worse; It is your relationship with your husband and your house, Not hers. I understand the need to respect the mother of his child but she is taking it too far and that is only cause he allows her. Siding with you all the time is not the answer but some type of compromise needs to be in place or you guys will duke this out someday.

Answer 7

if i were you i'd stay out of it the ex is very controlling and will probably not let him see the child at all if things don't go her way yes it is ridiculous but its not him its her so don't blame him just try to understand he doesn't want to lose either of you he just is trying not to lose his son