What to do next when you find your wife is cheating.?

Question

This evening a found a secret mobile of my wifes that had loads of messages from another guy, she admitted the affair.

We've been married over 10 yrs with 2 girls aged 8 and 10years old, it has been a turbulant 10 years but i have changed into a much better person from being a little selfish yet she has gone the other way. I am 41, she is just 30 but the age diffrence never seemed to bother us, her lover is 27 so maybe it did her.

It all happened tonight although i have suspected things for months but she was always the one who 'would never cheat' and would always break up before doing that.
We are financially extremely well off with enough money so neither of us has to work p/t, mortgage free house, cars, 8 hols abroad this year!


I truely loved this woman with all my heart and told her constantly, we have what i thought was the perfect life with few worries.
She said she was going in Jan anyway.
I'm devastated and lost what to do.

I am not too concerned about most of the money, not enough space here to explain but she can't touch that. But we have a pot inc house, cars, etc of say 350k so she would be entitled to half i expect. Solicitors tomorrow morning i think.

Thank you for everyones point of view and your words really are comforting, it's a bit late to be phoning friends so cheers.

She says she doesn't love this guy but 'likes' him and will not even stop seeing him so at least she would at least show me some respect and have a dignified divorce.
I think he's just a knock off, i certainly think that's all he sees of her and will be surprised if it lasts longer than a few months.

She definately wants out, there is no chance of saving this relationship at all.

The biggest loss i feel is for my children, i want to be here every day when they wake and put them to bed at night.
To see them on xmas morning opening the presents, to see them for only half of every week will simply destory me, we are extremely close.

Answer 1

The first thing you need to do is make sure you have a good lawyer. No matter how financially well off you may be, you'd be suprised at how much of that money and possessions disappear when your spouse leaves, through claiming that it is theirs, ect.

The most important thing is your kids. This is one marriage that you're not going to be able to put back together with couples counseling, so you've got to make the transition as easy as possible for them. You're going to be angry and upset, but it's going to be important that you try to be as courteous as you can toward her, and concentrate on what's going to make things easiest on your kids, no matter how selfish she has been. Divorce is a messy business, and your two girls are going to be feeling awful about it. Don't try to tell them how it was your wife's fault, or anything like that.

I wish you the best of luck during this difficult time... I know it sucks, but you're going to get through it.

Answer 2

She said she was leaving in Jan anyway, does she intend uprooting your children from there carefree lifestyle that they have also?
Personally, i would 'secretly' see a solicitor, just to see where you stand with regards to your two children, your house etc but at the same time try talking to your wife, find out where things have gone wrong between the two of you and see if it can be resolved before it gets to the stage of her going in the new year?
How long has it actually been going on, with 8 holidays this year she couldnt have been home for long so how well can she really know him? If she leaves you, how sure can she be that this man will stand by her? He's 27 years old, has she thought ahead a few years when your oldest could become the rebelious pain in the butt kind of girl....how would he cope with a teenager!
You have said that neither of you need to work or anything, does the money come from you or her..will she have to look for work and a place to rent?
Its one thing to have an affair but something totally different to give up everything you have for some guy that might decide its not what he really wants for the rest of his life!
If she really wants to go, as hard as it is-you just need to let her go-Just make a stand for yourself though, if she decides she wants to come home then the ball has to be in your court, dont make it easy for her to use you as a doormat and waltz back into your life cos her lover has done a runner! Put ground rules down from the start!
I suppose apart from stuff like that you should just try making the time she is there with your kids as normal and happy as it would usually be, give them a good Christmas even though you will be hurting so much.
Please dont walk around on eggshells, throw presents at her and all that...just try and act normal for the kids anyway?!
This is a horrible thing to happen to someone that seems so genuine and completely gutted, im really sorry and i wish you the best of luck for your future.
xx

Answer 3

For your kids' sake, stay together. This will be far better for them -unless- your marriage is an utter nightmare with both of you screaming all night for the next ten years and the kids going to home crying every night. If the marriage is even 10% better than that, your kids will be BETTER off if you stay together.

Try and understand your wife's affair. And do not get too "psychological". Notice that when men have affairs, the women they're married to reason that the men simply wanted some sex from a different woman. When women have affairs, however, their husbands start to ask, "Did I neglect you? Did I not give you enough presents or holidays?" In reality, of course, many women simply were after some sex with a different man!

11 years isn't much of an age gap.

Answer 4

First of all you started by saying it has been a turbulent 10 years..sounds to me that there are underlying circumstances that she has made the decision to go elsewhere. It takes TWO people to make a marriage work and also to make it end...cars, vacations, and a nice home, even children, does not make a person happy if either party is not emotionally available for the other.
Maybe counseling, if suggested would be good...it may open doors and answer questions as to what truly went wrong...or give you closure if you need it , maybe this person she has turned to was more of a listener and a nurturer than you were prepared to be...maybe he was giving time and caring instead of "buying" her affections....sometimes love and life is more enjoyable when both partners work together to reach goals.....sometimes taking care of someone means more than giving them material possessions....

In the meantime, remember that you have 2 children that need most of all their parents to be a support system for them and not tear their young world apart just because they may be parting ways....pray a lot and be thankful for what you have been given....not what you may lose in this process....

You can not make someone love you- or want to be with you...If you love something let it go---it may break your heart but dont let it break your spirit...

Answer 5

I think you need to really step back and take a deep breathe. She hasn't left yet and she may feel horrible about what she has been doing. An affair is a horrible thing to deal with but with time and love you can get through it. She may say she is done with the marriage but deep down she may just be afraid to face the affair and deal with the trauma and hurt she has caused. It would be easier for her to leave because she wouldn't have to explain and deal with what she did directly with you. Put your feelings out there to her and if you truly love and think you can continue with the marriage, all you can do is let her know and then step back. Ask her to please respect the marriage and stop seeing this guy and take some time to figure out what you really think is best and in your heart to do. Remind her that 3% of relationships that begin as an affair, last. the rest fail. That is all you can do. I wouldn't hound her because you are the only one who is going to suffer. Try to avoid conversation about this until you can talk calmly. There are two innocent girls involved and they deserve to keep there innocence and not know what is going on. They are too young to handle it and they don't need to be subjected to fighting and anger. Your marriage can work with commitment from both of you. Give each other some time

Answer 6

I am so sorry. You must be in such pain! It is very hard to deal with a situation like this, I know from personal experience. Be glad you have the financial security, I do not. Which has made this very frightening as I have a child to think of. Take some time for yourself, if you have a good friend that you trust, talk it over with them, let yourself vent, it is the first step. Find some professional help to support you through this painful period. Give of your time to a worthy cause, donate generously to a Charity. Take a night to forget your troubles and go out on the town with some good friends. Do not make life-altering decisions while you are in such a fragile state. You deserve better than this. It is not your fault. There is no excuse for such a betrayal. It will get better eventually, sounds like you're trying to evolve as a person, keep going! I will say a prayer for you. Peace and blessings- Whatever you do, do not let her have custody of the children. If this is how she navigates morally, you do not want your children to have that as a role model. Fight for them, they deserve to be with a parent who will put ethics ahead of desires.

Answer 7

I am so sorry this has happened to you --- i am married to a man 15 years older than i am and we have been married now for 39 years but there have been times when we have thought of parting --- but when we took the time to sit and talk to each other we realised that they were what is known as bad patches which i think most marriages go through from time to time as both parties are inclined to take the other one for granted and forgetting that they are not just their spouse but a person in their own right and should not be expected to think of the family only all the time but should be allowed to think of themselves now and again and what they would like to do instead of having the feeling that they should always be there for everyone else.
I would say that both of you should sit down and really talk things out pointing out all the good things that have happened in your marriage and then talk about the things that you felt could have been better and i do not mean could have had more holidays or cars or a better house i mean perhaps really spending time to listen to each other when one of you needed to talk or needed to be noticed or appreciated---- if i were you i would try to get her to tell you why --- and ask what was it that could make her give up all you have --- and also perhaps you have given her the feeling that she is so wonderful seeing as you have told her all the time you love her she thinks that any man would give his right arm to have her ----- then try to be honest with each other and talk about the bad points you both have --- don`t just give up for if i had or my husband had we would not be celebrating our 40th in January i wish you good luck but stay calm and for your own sake do not let her think that you cannot do without her.

Answer 8

If she has made a decision on leaving then let her go. Keep the proof that you have of her cheating because i think she will try to take everything from you. You seem honest and a good man you deserve better. If she loved you she would have talk to you before having an affair. From what you are saying she also doesn't sound remorseful. Kick her to the curb. take care of your children and forget her, there's other good women out there. Once a cheater always a cheater.

Answer 9

It's a sorry state of affairs. There are no real winners in this situation.

You can look back on the fact you've had a 10 happy years with her, and treasure your 2 children. Its a shame though that her impulse for new excitement has brought a division in to your relationship which would be hard to repair / regain trust - but I hope you stay on friendly terms.

Answer 10

Remember i told you this!! whatever you do from now on you need to think of your kids and treat them as lovingly as before,do not use them in any way shape or form because of your hurt or anger.They have not changed she has and well you suspected it for a while and there is nothing to do if she's not willing to at least try! i know how hard this must be just remember that we all make mistakes and that includes you!