coming out.?

Question

Two summers ago my mother asked me if my friend was more than my friend, i promised myself that if my mother asked me a question straight forward about my sexuality that I would answer honestly, so I did.

She was hurt by it but is coping appropriatly and even tried to comfort me when the relationship ended.

my problem is i'm 99% her side of the family doesn't know and I think it might kill my grandmother.

my sibilings father's side, knows and are very accepting.

my question is should i tell my mother's side, should she? should i just bring my girlfriend to the next family event? should i just not tell them?

I'm afraid they won't except me, my uncles openly bash gays... i dunno.

help?

PS I'm 17.

I've never been in a relationship with a male, I've kissed one.

I've had 4 girlfriends since I was 14.

Answer 1

There is no easy answer to this. You have already done something courageous in coming out to your mom. And I take it your sibling has a different father from what you've written? It's good that they're accepting and loving of you.

I think this is something you should really discuss with your mom. If you love and respect her, if you love and respect your grandmother, then it's important that it translates in your actions. In other words, don't bring your gf to a family event just to shock your idiot uncles and make a statement. That wouldn't be a good situation, especially for your girlfriend. Families can be quite surprising in how they respond: your grandmother may have "seen it all" by this time, and so this won't be as much of a shocker to her as you might think. Or, she could react with horror. Your mother would be the one who could best advise you there.

As for your uncles, do they love you? Again, you might find that they don't like those "other queers"...but you're OK. I know that's weird. But homophobia is pretty weird.

The most important thing is for you always to remember who *you* are, regardless of what your family members might say or think of you.

Good luck, and you might want to also check the PFLAG website for some more insight.

Answer 2

Talk to your mother about it. Find out what she thinks. It might be a good thing if your mother tells her side of the family as it will be a sign that she is supportive and that she won't put up with any crap from them if they have negative ideas about you.

I do not think that just bringing your girlfriend to a family function would be a good idea. You are already afraid of the family's reactions, so why expose your girlfriend to it?

As for people accepting you or not, take it from me...you will find acceptance in some cases where you least expect it. Be proud of who you are and if your relatives cannot see beyond your sexuality, then too damn bad for them. You are not going to disappear.

Your uncles bash gays more easily because they don't know one of their own is gay. Chances are good that they will watch what they say around you once they know you're a Lesbian. And if they do continue to bash gays in your presence once they know about you, then you can either ignore them, or you can tell them what swine they are. But, don't hide from them. You are a part of the family no matter what they think.

Your grandmother isn't likely to die once she finds out about you. Grandmother's are wiser than they are given credit for and she hasn't lived this long without knowing how to deal with the curve balls life throws her way. She might not understand the whole gay thing, but don't sell her short that she can and will still accept you for who you are.

I know it's easy to say this, but it is true...anyone who can't accept you for you will be the ones to lose in the end. While you on the other hand, won't have lost much.

Answer 3

I'm sorry about how unnaccepting your family is.

Most homosexuals and bisexuals I have spoken to have said that their family generally know, but there are a few relatives who have been kept in the dark for "safety reasons," both emotional and physical.

I wouldn't recommend just bringing your girlfriend to the next family event. I would start off by telling the one who you trust the most to not freak out, and then work your way down.

I would say you don't have to tell them, but you may eventually be in a lifelong relationship. It's hard to keep that from them, then.

My fiance has a gay uncle. He comes from a staunch farm family, no "nonsense" like that there. He came out to them. It was hard and took awhile for them to accept him, but I think he believes he is better off for it.

Good luck!

Answer 4

I just recently came out also, and my situation was very much like yours. My moms side of the family completely accepted me, but my fathers side is now ignoring me. Honestly the only thing you can really do is look in your heart and think about what they might say or do. It is them who are being naive when they decide to ignore family members because of the choices they make. They only thing you can do is hope that they will love you no matter what, because it isnt worth hiding who you really are.

Answer 5

I think that I would probably have a talk with my mother, were I you. As she's somewhat accepting, and as it's her mother that you are worried about, talking it over with Mom seems a good idea to me. If you go straight to your grandma, it might cause a rift with your Mom. Talk about it with her first.

Grandparents can be much more resilient than you might think. It may be that it's best not to tell her, but on the other hand, perhaps she will surprise you.

Answer 6

you are how you were born and you aren't responsible for anyone elses emotions or reactions. your gramma might be more ok with it than you think. the older generation had gays too, just no one talked about their bedroom stuff str8 gay or otherwise. as for your uncles, you should stick up for yourself and if that doesn't go well, quit hanging out with them. i wouldn't just present your gf tho. it may get ugly with your uncles. maybe at the next family get together (have some of your accepting family present as backup) just tell them. be prepared for some cooling off time tho. good luck miss.

Answer 7

I think that people who bash gays are insecure with their own sexuality. Grandma won't die if she finds out. She's heard worse. If your friend is invited to the next event, bring her. I wouldn't be brazen about the sexual nature of the relationship. Behave maturely. Good luck!

Answer 8

Please...don't make a big issue out of it. Does everyone need to know the sexual orientation of the other person? Shouldn't we just enjoy him for what he is, and leave what is private private? It can't kill you to keep it to yourself. Once everyone knows that you are homosexual, everything changes in the mindset of people you'll encounter. it's just natural; it doesn't mean they hate you, but they don't want to be involved in that kind of a thing.

Answer 9

Talk to your mother first and see how she thinks they will react. I would tell them before you introduce the girlfriend if your mother does not think they will take it well

Answer 10

Personally I don't think they deserve to know. Especially the gay bashing uncles!!!

My dad is biphobic (also homophobic and transphobic) and I haven't told him about my partner of 3 years. As I see it if he truly loved me he'd love me unconditionally. He would want to know everything about my life and be happy for me.