We have been married for almost twenty years and have three wonderful children. We are both in our early forties and have a stable relationship. The other night she suddenly brings this up out of the blue saying that it is just something that she has to get off her chest. We weren't married at the time this happened, although we were dating but at different schools. She said she wasn't apologizing but felt that it was something that she neded to tell me.
I REALIZE that I am the one with the issue here and that was something that happened long ago. Neither one of us has ever been unfaithful and I freely admit that I love her now, then and always will. Ancient history that shouldn't matter but all the same I can't get the image of her and two guys, it was two guys, out of my head and it is driving me off my nut. Petty, small minded, childish on my part, ect, and I hate to admit to this, more than a little bit of envy.
Anyone else ever dealt with this and how did you do it?
2006-12-11 12:02:28 · 19 answers · asked by Paul S 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Let us just say that my past is somewhat less exciting than hers. In other words, no, I've never had a threesome. I asked if she was trying to say that she wanted something like that again and she said that it was an experience that she had wanted to try then and she is over it. We do not have a very kinky sex life, her choice. I do not know why she told me. I confess to being the jealous sort and don't like thinking of her doing that and still feel a stirring of envy and maybe feel a little inadequate now. I would prefer to have not been told but now that I have been I can't get the image out of my head. My problem but one I need to deal with and can't seem to ignore.
2006-12-11 13:16:58 · update #1
I disagree that it is your problem. These kinds of things deserve to be talked about.
Whether your religious or not, there's something to that old Biblical principle of two people becoming one when they get married. As an entirely practical example, if she had picked up some disease or gotten pregnant during that escapade and didn't realize until after you were married (assume time frames to match scenario) then you would have to bear the burden of her indiscretion.
But the matter isn't just practical, it's emotional as well. She has had to bear this secret all these years, no matter if the act itself was right wrong or indifferent. Now she has shared that burden with you. Some would say you got "lucky" that she didn't get pregnant or get something, but I say statistics are on your side. It's a very small percentage of the population that actually has a serious STD. But on an emotional level, you now have to deal with the fact of a threesome in your collective past without getting to experience it.
Sometimes you can't put your finger on what it is that really bothers you, I happen to be blessed with that ability, to step outside myself and examine my emotional state. My wife had something she had shared with one of her exs, that was very kinky. It wasn't a threesome, but I found out about it after we were married. When I told her I was interested, she said no, she'd done it two or three times with two or three guys and it was in the past. I told her that I didn't want any guy to have anything to hold over me, and she poo-pooed it.
It so happened that one of her friends still had friends with one of the guys, and we all ended up at the same table in a restaurant one night. He was hitting on my wife mercilessly. I asked him to stop, and he actually had the nerve to bring up the thing she hadn't done with me and ask, point blank, if she had. I nearly killed him. Now, there is nothing that my wife has held back from me.
There are other things to consider. You had a specific image of your wife when you got married. That image was a lie. In essence, she lied to you in order to get you to marry her. A lie of omission is still a lie. There is a (hopefully small) part of your relationship that was built on falsehood. You need to rebuild that part of your relationship.
Her doing it being right or wrong isn't my call: she's your wife, you're the one who gets final judgement on these things. Her withholding that information so you can make an informed decision when marrying her is wrong. Her treating you like a second-class boyfriend and withholding what she willingly gave to others is also wrong. You're her husband, you should be given the best of what she has to offer, no holds barred. That doesn't necessarily mean she needs to give you a threesome. That kind of thing isn't for everyone, and if she was with two guys, you may not want to share her anyway. But she at least should be willing to discuss the options and your rights and her obligations on the matter.
There's a funny thing about the past: it created the present. The present is dependent on the past. The future is dependent on the present. If the past and the present are defined by withholding information, withholding parts of yourselves, and one-sided exceptions, what is the future full of? You can't change the past, and you don't know the future, but the present is in the palm of your hand. Talk to your wife, and reach some kind of an understanding that you can both live with and be happy with in regards to this.
2006-12-12 09:55:01 · answer #1 · answered by Sean J 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Wife Had A Threesome
2016-11-14 19:24:03 · answer #2 · answered by laubersheimer 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your wife was communicating to you that she wants to spice up your sex life as a couple. She wants you to think about it and you are. You can't get it out of your mind! She is asking you if you would like to have a threesome because she would again. It has nothing to do with you it is her sexual needs. She has a greater sexual appetite than you. You haven't described your feelings your are having that you can't get it out of your mind. Is it a turn on to you when thinking about it or a jealousy, or anger or fear she may do it again without you?. What is it?
I would enjoy seeing my wife be pleasured by another man who she would enjoy taking to bed, At my age I cannot get it up to actual give her what she needs. She is still a good looking woman of 70 who younger men would find attractive. I wish she would consider another man in bed with us but she will not even think of it or let me bring the subject up. All I want is her being sexually pleased and that I love her enough to permit her that freedom. She is a great woman.
2015-01-11 22:34:44 · answer #3 · answered by youoleman 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My first thought would be, what thoughts was she entertaining when she finally told you. Apparently she has been thinking a lot about it lately, maybe even wanting to do that again so I'd probably have to ask her about that. The way I figure it, she has already thought about the consequences of your reactions so be careful how you handle this or she might be gone. Either that or maybe she wants to enter the swinging scene and get you involved so she can do want she wants while you watch, plus have you doing the same things so you cant judge her.
2006-12-11 12:27:33 · answer #4 · answered by bear4141usa 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I had the same problem, when I learned that my g/f had a threesome 20+++ years ago. It made it looked like she was just after sex and not into a relationship. It did hurt me when I learned about however I was not in the picture then, now I am and we both 110% faithful.
2006-12-11 12:18:02 · answer #5 · answered by cm f 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
ohhh... this is a tough situation, I feel you... totally... I can't accept the fact that (if i was married) if my wife had a threesome with 2 guys??!!! watt!!! .. i think it will be cool with 2 girls :)... anyway, I totally feel your situation and I think it is a tough one... next thing you know it, she tells you she was a porn star.... well.. I dont know what to do in this situation... You guys have been married for so long, have a wonderful family, etc.... I know it is tough to have the 'sexual scene' played out in ur mind... but hey, it is life.... anyway, if i was you... weigh the pro's and con's... and see her attributes, neglect her flaws, value her honesty, disregards the content of her past... anyway, the past made her, but doesn't ultimately dictates who she is NOW... If you love her... love her flaws and cherish her values... anyway, good luck... view it as an adventurous past, and tell her to act out w/ you.. without the "other guy ofcourse" lol ..
2006-12-11 12:12:11 · answer #6 · answered by J 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Most of us will never know well I know that she does not know everything you did and what was in the pass is in the pass I don,t under stand why you would be envy us of her that bothers me any way how would you have felt if it were another woman and a guy sounds like you got your self a little freak there enjoy
2006-12-11 12:12:09 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would wonder what her mindset was at the time to cause her to do something like that.
Ask her. Did she go thru a promiscuous stage? Why? What changed her into the woman you love? Getting some clarification should help you get pass it.
2006-12-11 12:10:00 · answer #8 · answered by Raven 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The one with the problem is not you....it's your wife.
Except for making herself feel better why would she bring up ancient history that's over and done with?
I think she's selfish.
2006-12-11 12:09:13 · answer #9 · answered by daljack -a girl 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Who cares, It happened years ago!
You weren't married, Let it go. I'm sure you have a past as well!
2006-12-11 12:07:04 · answer #10 · answered by ~*~Tessa~*~ 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋