How do I overcome my husbands affair?

Question

My husband & I have been together for 15yrs,have a child. We relocated out of state 2 yrs ago. The move was a tough adjustment, I went from making great money to not being able to find a job, I went through several jobs to find the right one. Last October my husband said he wanted to seperate, I asked if he was having an affair, he said no, the next day he called me from work and said he was sorry he didnt want to seperate. In february I received the midnight call from his "girlfriend" telling me about how she'd been with him, and all the things he said about me. I was completely stunned - my husband talked to her about things he never talked to me about. she then proceded to stalk me and call me constantly. Since then we have changed all of our numbers, the only problem is my husband travels an hour to work and he works close to her. He is trying to transfer closer to home, but that may take some time. We have been to counseling and his time is accounted for- why am I STILL PARANOID?

Answer 1

wow I am sorry that you are going through this. You are still paranoid because the trust between you two is broken he cheated on you with another woman he proposed to seperate. How can you not be?

Honestly I don't think that you are ever going to get over your husbands affair hey maybe you can forgive him, but you are going to be doubting him everytime he may come home late or leave early or do more activies outside the house with out you. like they say "once a cheater always a cheater" can you really trust that he is not going to ever do it again?

If I was in your position I don't think I could be with him anymore, I would defenitly seperate from him still allowing him to see his child.



Good Luck!

Answer 2

( I love some of these answers --- pray.... oh good...........)

Betrayal is the dealbuster in a marriage sweetie. Marriages are Admiration, Respect, Passion and Trust. When the Trust is gone, the first two blow up, and it is pretty hard to have passion with a guy who has cheated on you. (And all four of these are gone, or severely crippled....) Why wouldn't you be paranoid?????????? Your reaction is common....... All kinds of things crop up into your brain, because you have no idea why he did this to you.

Obviously, you and he wished to save your marriage, and you are to be admired for trying. Understand that it takes more than 2 years to heal a broken relationship, and the feelings are forever changed..... most of the time it would be easier to unscramble an egg.

You question is "How do you overcome the affair?" You can't ever really. You can find a way to forgive him, but there is not way to scoop out that memory from your mind -- it won't happen. Accept that, and he needs to as well. And what you do now is to act loving and supportive to each other. Remember why you married him.... that person is still there. You and he just need to find Square One again

Answer 3

If your not going to be able to get over it(which I never would be able too) and u feel like u cant trust him its not worth you staying with him and be paranoid all the time wondering where he is who hes with checking pockets for numbers or smelling a hint of womens perfume on him. You need to ask yourself if you can just forget it which means its never brought up and u tell yourself you can trust him. Personally I would never NEVER be able to forgive something like that so I wish you luck but most of all put yourself 1st and if you cant be happy the best thing to do is move on find somebody who respects you!

Answer 4

You are paranoid, well because your husband had an affair, you have a right to be paranoid. Getting to the reason why this happened and if it was a one night stand or a longer relationship. My husband had a one night stand (with my sister) it wasn't until 12 years later when I divorced him that I got over - and those 12 years in between were compete HELL! I am over it now - finally! And we are friends.
He may have shared those things with her because he wanted her to feel sorry for him, or maybe because he felt you were so stressed he just couldn't talk to you. She is kinda crazy for stalking you, he chose to stay with you and not go to her and that must have pissed her off

Answer 5

You are not paranoid at all. He should remain suspect for the rest of your relationship. Not only did he cheat on you, he lied to you and that is double dis-trust.

If you want to and are able to forgive him, then fine. But he must earn your trust back and that will take as long as it takes.

Dont be in a hurry. I would never trust him again, if it were me. And I would probably dump his a#@!

Answer 6

You're paranoid because the trust was broken and it's soooo hard to get it back once it's broken. My husband has lied to me about different things, and I forgave him, but it's hard to trust him, I hope you can get over it and move forward. It will be difficult to do.....try not to be too hasty when he tells you where he is or where is going, etc. Just let him build that trust back. Keep going to counseling if you are still having issues. I wish you the best of luck!

Answer 7

An affair is one thee hardest thing to triumph over; I don't think you are paranoid at all. Your heart will forever hold the scares left behind by his affair, bear in mind that you may never mentally get over it and that although it will heal that it will never again be the same. But if your husband is willing to apply the ointment needed to help you heal then maybe you can continue with your married life.. You husband should be doing every thing in his power to reassure you in every way. I believe that if he loves you it will not be hard for him to carry out or do what ever it takes to make you heal in the most unsurpassed possible way. I would consider how he reacts to your fears, does he make you feel good or does he get annoyed with you? If he gets annoyed with you then, you need to talk to him and tell him that you need him to comfort you and that even though you hear words coming out of his mouth that the best way for him to reassure you is by actions and how he handles your sadness. You are not paranoid in the least bit, you are scared and with every right to be, it is hard to feel safe after you have felt the earth move under your feet. Don’t second-guess yourself by thinking you are paranoid; you have thoughts that need to be responded to with lots of love and care, and that is where your husband comes in.

Answer 8

It is simple, You can not trust him. That's the bottom line. Too many women except their husband's infidelity. Why are you selling yourself short. Even if he moves closer to home it will not make your relationship secure. Your heart knows this. Except the situation that caused the infidelity and at least through the changes of lifestyle of the both of you, you can both move past the affair.

Answer 9

You are not PARANOID! To believe, you must trust, to trust you must believe! It seems that one does not exist without the other.

If the trust is willfully destroyed, upon what should the foundation of belief exist? Even as there can be no belief if trust as been displaced!

No other person should decide for you! You, yourself, your inner self must decide. Having wrote this, I do feel that I may say,
do not live a lie! You are never called to compromise your integrity, virtue, ethics or moral values that embrace the word of GOD!

Answer 10

you not only have to overcome the cheating, but the fact he tol her personal things about you. u have a right to feel paranoid, as one nevergets over that, it will forever be in the back of our mind, just waiting to rear it's ugly head, if any disagreement pops out. think he realiazed what this person was, and decided not to separate, but what happens the next time he finds someone, maybe it will click with that one, and he will be off again. he left u once, confided in her, and was ready to leave. can't ever trust a cheater, because of their belief system, and how they choose to handle problems.