Please help me with my marriage problem. I would really appreciate it.?

Question

My husband has alot of things on his mind and sometimes takes it out on me. He hasn't seen his mom, kids, brother and sisters in almost 6 years and it takes a toll on him. Sometimes if I even do small thing, he will get upset with me becasuse he has so many other things in his head. I love him and am trying to be patient with him and help him through his hard time, but it is hard for me. I am only 20 and have not had as much experiance in life, especially situations like this. Any advice for me on how to not bug him and not lose myself completly.

What I do most of the time to bother him is I am huggy and touchy all of the time, especially at night. I don't like to fall asleep by myself, and he likes to stay up late on the computer. He thinks I don't sleep because I think he is chatting with girls. I don't think that, but I just like to fall asleep in his arms. When he is out with his friends I call him and ask when he is coming home. Which habits should I change? Am I wrong?

We have a 14 year age differance. I lvoe him so much and I am confidenthe love me too. We both work long hours so night tie is the only time we spend together.

Answer 1

It's funny because it seems like you're telling a story of my life. I went through the exact same thing as you are. I am and was very touchy and huggy. I couldn't fall asleep without my husband in bed. I wanted to fall asleep in his arms but he was always online at night doing who knows what (he always said that he just surfs the net). My husband did not go out much with his friends without me. But it's been 6 years now and just recently I found out that all those years, while I fell asleep, he did watch porn online. I was mad and still am. Hopefully your husband is not doing the same thing. Gosh, they're so good at hiding. Have you tried to stay up as late as him and just sneak up what he's watching? My husband had a lot of things on his mind too and I tried to be the good wife...patient...loving...understanding; and like I said, I just found out that is what he's been doing. I think sometimes they have so much on their mind that they start watching porn online to get away from everything. Then when we get touchy with them, they don' want to because we're not where they want to be. They want to be with their computer doing whatever to get away. Don't blame yourself...ever. You're doing everything right. Just don't call too much asking when he's coming home when he's with friends.
And yes, I'm still with my husband. A lot of forgiveness I will need. He is absolutely embarass and sorry about it so I will give him this chance to start over. Best luck to you.

Answer 2

You really need some quality time together. Is there any way you could take a vacation? Or at least plan a romantic evening together such as a nighttime picnic somewhere special (a nice spot you both like) and try not to talk about the recent problems you've been having? Try to have a night off from the issues and just have some fun. Or take him to a movie. Has he had problems with his family and thats why he doesn't see them? Maybe you could take a vacation to the area in which they live. I'm sorry if my advice is useless, just a few ideas. But I think you should never give up, marriage is sacred and beautiful and you can work things through! Try and talk to him about these issues too. Even show him this question you've asked and ask him to answer it for you? All the best.

Answer 3

First of all get some help on co-dependancy. You are both fitting inot that category as am I. Relationship are hard work even when they are with very healthy people. You have a natual need for affection and touch. There is nothing wrong with that. the insecurity you feel when he goes out with his friends may or may not have good reason. Does he ask you to go our with his friends once in a while? If not where is he going. A bar is never a safe place no matter what anyone says. People got there for two reasons. To drink and to pick up those that are drinking. If he is going out with his friends to a healthy function that should not be a problem. However, I think that the advice of a good councelor would do you both a world of good. A book you may wnat to read it Love is a choice by Dr. Robert Hemfelt. It talks alot about unhealthy relationships and co-dependance. good Luck

Answer 4

Firstly when you say he takes it out on you I hope you don't mean he hits you because if he does you should leave him now as it will worsen if its left. and the reason he's getting uptight is because basically you are smothering him. you can't answer your question correctly ther are too many if,buts and whys? at a guess he does not want to get too close in case you're gone like his family why has he not seen them?
Take a step back give him some space don't call him when hes out with mates it makes him look small in front of them, ask for a cuddle that way he will feel in control of the situation and may not feel threatened. see if he wants to talk and share whats bothering him with you and if not you someone else, as for his computer maybe hes doing exactly what you've done, shared your problem with millions of been ther done that's.
Hope this gives you some ideas "good luck"

Answer 5

The only thing I see that is "wrong" on your part is calling him when he's out. You should establish beforehand what time he expects to be home (it's just plain polite). If my boyfriend is going out past my bedtime, I say, "Text message me if it's going to be after 1am" that way if I wake up and it's an hour past when he thought he was going to be home, I don't worry.

As for the rest, it sounds like your husband has a lot of emotional baggage that make it difficult for him to engage with you. He may also just have different needs and frankly, it doesn't sound like you're very compatible. If he's not willing to see a counselor, either together or alone, you may have to give him the boot.

Answer 6

I think the advice the other posters are giving to you are really good and sound advice, and I hope you'll gain much insight into whatever action you plan to take to alleviate any tension between you and your husband.

As for him not seeing his mom etc for so long, maybe they have some unresolved issues in the past, and it's awkward for him to see them now and I'm sure his mom and siblings feel the same and nobody wants to make the first move. If this is what's happening, I can really relate to how it can affect one's life because it is indeed very stressful for him. I hope he will spend much more time with you in the very near future and I wish you and your husband only the very best.

Answer 7

You shouldn't have to change yourself. Its a marriage, you are both supposed to give, not just one person give and the other one take. I think you should set down with him and talk about this. And tell him you both need to give a little so the other can get. Otherwise your marriage wont work out. If you keep giving and giving, you wont be happy and he will only take you for granted. On the other hand, if neither of you do something, your marriage wont last much longer. You need to talk to one another and compromise, that's the key to a long happy marriage

Answer 8

Sounds like you two have different "requirements" for intimacy and affection. If you don't want to push him away, you need to stop being too clingy; unfortunately, it sounds like he calls the shots in this relationship - so you have to play by his rules. Get some friends of your own, get involved in other things, find new hobbies. If you're independent and busy, I bet you will see your husband vying for your attention. For as long as you keep worshipping him like a god, and treasuring every scrap of attention you can get from him, you will get the treatment he's giving you now. Why would he try to listen to you and do things that make you happy if you're desperate enough to settle for however little you get from him? When you're desperate, it shows, and people exploit it to their benefit.

Answer 9

people fall in love for alot of reasons, but I'm guessing he knew you were like that when he met you. In love, people generally don't try to change the other person. Good luck with this problem. Even if he has alot on his mind, he should be able to understand that you have needs too.

Answer 10

This is not normal husband behavior. You are not wrong. He should want to be in bed with you at night instead of on the computer no matter what he's doing on it. I will say all of the things you say here are bad signs. However, there's nothing wrong with you, its him. Get out if he cant get in the marriage.