How do I fix myself??

Question

Ever since having my daughter I have had some severe self-image issues. I mean I had them prior to pregnancy but now they are soo bad I'm becoming paranoid about my husband being faithful and it's driving him nuts. Some of the things he does lead me to suspicions, like changing the passwords to his e-mails, and working late without calling me to let me know he's staying late. Not to mention he has started dropping weight left and right. I am still struggling to lose my baby weight and feel so unattractive that I can't blame if he is cheating. I feel horrible for being so possessive and paranoid but at the same time I'm justifying it by his activities. I just want him to be honest with me and he keeps saying nothing is going on. I want to believe him but it's so hard. My father cheated on my mother when she didn't lose her baby fat and I'm afraid it's going to happen to me too! How do I fix these feelings and make myself sane again?

Answer 1

First of all... you cannot say "you can't blame him if he cheats"... no matter what your situation or looks, it doesn't give him the right to cheat, EVER! If he's unhappy with the way you are or look he should leave you instead of playing behind your back.

Second, i know that guys find it very hard to be with a girl that lacks to much self-esteem. Too much is not better... But you being paranoid can be a factor that drives him away. Now what you need to do, and it's not gonna be easy, is to stop the panic. Now that stress is not good for you, your baby and your couple life! You MUST start taking care of yourself first.. i mean physically if you are not happy, work on that! That's a big self-esteem booster. You'll feel better about yourself and your husband is gonna to see it and feel it too. You need to clear up the air... right now it seems to be you are so freaked out that you are poisoning yourself and other around you, and not because you want to of course!

Now him changing his password can be suspicious but did you ask him why? Maybe he just doesn't want you to inteprete badly any little thing? I mean he knows you are already on a close edge... and guys don't realise how the smallest things can really make us doubt them, and ourselves. I gotta tell you, i work hard every day on not freaking out about many things and it's my second full time job!! So just relax, take care of yourself, get more confident, tell your husband you love him, make it feel like when you were just newly weds... concentrate on good and positive things to lighten the air a little. Remember this, because it's very important, you can't control a man and be sure he'll be faithful all his life. You have to enjoy every moment you have and make the best you can so that you know you are not the failure and did everything you could. Then IF, just IF some day you find out he jumped off the track, then you strike. But don't make your life and his life harder just because you don't feel good about yourself... it's not fair to both of you.

Best of luck to both of you, don't forget to talk alot together.

Answer 2

What you need to be worrying about is not your husband, it's your own self esteem. Trust me, from someone who has been worried about her weight and what everyone thinks about her because of it since she was 13, the voice inside your head is your worst enemy. Or at least it has been mine. Listening to that voice tell me that I'm too fat to be attractive has left me so frustrated that I have trouble pulling it together to fix the situation. Today, what frustrates me more, is that I've done it for a while, I cleaned up my act, was focused on me and only me, and I solved the problem, I lost more than 35 lbs and got into a size 8 for the first time since I was under 12. But it came back. So, silly me now thinks it's worse, because it can be done and I'm not doing it.

I'm learning, and sometimes you can hear things that make sense, but take a while to figure out how to make them work for you. What I would suggest to you, is try to focus every last thought onto being happy about who you are, and why you're wonderful just the way you are today. That doesn't mean there aren't still a couple pounds to lose, it just means aknowledging that there is quite a bit more to you than just how fat or thin you are.

When you're ready to start figuring out how to address your problem - I say when, because sometime I thought I was, but upon starting I clearly wasn't - try reading: When Food is Food & Love is Love by Geneen Roth. I think she's got great ideas. They aren't easy to implement, but they make you think though your priorities and why you deal with things the way you do. I think it's helping me. Even if I'm not quite where I want to be just yet.

Best of luck!!

Answer 3

You aren't your parents so get that out of your head. Your father didn't cheat on your mother because he believed she was fat he cheated because he's a loser. Sorry to say that but it's true. My father cheated on my mother too and I used to feel this would happen to me but it hasn't. Now, you need to stop focusing on what your outer self appears and ignore the inner voice that tells you that you are unattractive. You need to focus on your inner self and heal from your fathers infidelity. If you can forgive him for hurting your mother you can get past your jealousies and suspicions. Get some counseling for yourself too. Find a friend to go do stuff with. Take your mind off of your husband for a little bit during your day. You can't obsess about where he is, who he's with, what he's doing all the time, you will go crazy.
Plus not to mention the fact that you are driving your husband crazy too. Do something to make yourself feel better, get a hair cut, or new hair do. That always quiets the negative voice in my head. Good luck and please know you are beautiful no matter what.

Answer 4

I can only go by my own experiences and everyone is different, but really if you are thinking he is cheating and all the signs would say to most people that he is, then maybe what you are worrying about is not in your mind. Maybe he is giving you reason to doubt his sincerity. I happened to me. I was just like you thinking I was being stupid and possessive. He wasnt doing the stuff your husband is doing, but there was just something "not right"...I felt it. As a matter of fact I thought I was going insane because he kept on denying anything was wrong, he kept on accusing me of being paranoid and to wake up to myself. I had 10 years of feeling this way, and you know when I found out he was cheating, it was a huge relief, and even though it hurt me to the quick, at least I knew I wasnt going crazy, and my feelings were correct for all those years. There are some very paranoid people out there, but they usually have a mental illness.....true paranoia that is. If you suspect that your husband is doing these things the worst thing you can do is to look at yourself as the reasons he is doing it. If you have put on weight after the baby was born, then its normal, dont beat youself up over it. He loves you for more than just what you look like. Dont you ever let anyone ever tell you that you are the reason your husband cheats....the reason a husband cheats is because of him, not you. He is the coward who wont discuss it with you. And if you dont know there is a problem then how in hell are you going to fix it. Women are far better at problem solving than our men give us credit for. We are also not stupid either. Your paranoia is being bought on by your feelings and maybe your feelings are right. If he is going to be late, then good manners dictate that he call you so you dont worry. Why is he losing all the weight?.....was he fat to begin with? How is your sex life, is he just as interested as he was before? Does he seem alloof somehow....is his lack of interest in you causing you to doubt yourself? These are all relevant questions......and if you have noticed a change in him, then I would be asking for explanations too. Youre not mad, you just want answers to the changes you are seeing in your husband. Maybe the only way you can alleviate your suspisions is to hire a private detective, then there will be no guesswork involved. It will make you feel better in the fact that he is either not cheating or you are not crazy in thinking these things. Truth is always the easiest to handle...it may hurt, but without truth in our lives we never know where we stand and we are left to assume...sometimes our assumptions are wrong, sometimes they are right, but until we know what the truth is we will be forever unsure. That is what is happening to you right now and you are taking this all on your shoulders and you are blaming yourself for anything he may or may not be doing. If he loves you, it wouldnt matter about anything you are talking about. One thing you can be sure about, if he is cheating, and he is keeping it a big secret from you, then its obvious he doesnt want the marriage to end. Hire the dectective, see if your fears are gounded or not, and until you get to the truth, then you will be feeling bad about yourself for a long while to come. Get the truth, then look at realistically, and work out what you want to do about it. You are in nowhere land at the moment, so maybe you need to take steps to bring you back to reality. You would still feel loved and attractive if he seriously is not playing around. If he has changed and is not telling you how beautiful you are and that you are just as beautiful to him as ever, then hire the detective, get to the bottom of why he has changed. You will feel a lot better for it. Be strong, you are not a second rate citizen, and your baby fat tummy has nothing to do with who you are as a person.

I wish you all the best.

Answer 5

There's no easy answer to that, I went through something like that myself. My story was a little different, I left an abusive man. BUT, bottom line is the same - you want to feel better about yourself. It's not easy, but I'll tell you two things that helped me and I hope it helps you.

(1) Buy yourself a little journal and EVERY day write down something positive about yourself. Somedays will be easier than others, but always find something. It can be something as small as I have beautiful eyes, to I am a wonderful mother.

(2) FAKE IT...fake being self-assured and before you know it - you won't have to fake it, you'll feel better about yourself.

Just do something before it affects your marriage...you can't mistrust your hubby because you feel insecure, it's not fair to either one of you.

I wish you all the luck in the world, you CAN do this.

Gentle hugs, Lynn

Answer 6

You're not your mother and your husband is not your father. You insecurity is not healthy for you, your marriage or your child. Just think of why you fell in love with your husband and hold on to that. He loves you, if he married you and you have a child togehter, love must still be there. I suggest making him avery special dinner when he comes home and ask him how his day was. Rent a funny movie to watch while the baby is sleeping and snuggle on the couch together. Make special time together. Remeber, he made a vow of forever with you. Weight gain happens and after a baby, it is hard for a womans body to go back to how it was before quickly. We are not made of elastic. Remember you newly widened hips and strech marks are from giving life to your child, so it must be worth it.

Answer 7

Try experiemnting with different makeup and colores that match you're facial feautres and bring out you're eyes and skin color, dress more fashionable maybe, grow out you're hair and get side bangs straightend yurr hair with a flat iron. Yeahh yur cute right now but yu culd be like gorgeous if u did fix yur self upp good luk gurl

Answer 8

First. Stop making this all about you. You sound self-absorbed. Men do not like women that are self-absorbed. Work on your inner self. Build your own self-esteem. It will show in your marriage. Cause it sounds like he's going to the tenth floor and he's gonna drop you off at the 4th floor. Their may be some competition. So compete! You are not the only fish in the sea.

Answer 9

You need to start giving yourself compliments. Think of something everyday that you like about yourself. That will help boost your self esteem.

As for your husband, try and trust him but keep and eye on him. Be honest with him and tell him how you truley feel.

Answer 10

work out and get that baby fat off of you. Every time you think or say something bad about yourself then you have to come up with one good thing about yourself to make up for it. And every time you want to say something to your husband about how he must be cheating... don't! Just don't speak, close you mouth and don't let the sound come out! Try to funnel that hateful energy into pleasing your man. Every time you feel he must be cheating on you because you are fat, ugly, whatever... jump on him and let his body prove to you how he feels.