My wife and I are having serious problems.?

Question

lately were fighting all the time and feeling really disconneted. I love her more than anything. Were married six year and have 3 young boys. I want to work it out but were not very confident that we can.....can we rediscover eachother or is it hopeless?

Answer 1

Sometimes I feel the same way. I have never been divorced and I just can't imagine the way my three little girls would feel.

I think you have to be positive abou tthe whole situation and tell yourself it will be okay. Don't think negatively, unless that is what you really want.

I know there isn't a lot of REAL advice in here, but maybe you guys can talk to your preacher or see a marriage counselor. ( They probably aren't as bad as you think)

Answer 2

I don't know if you talked this through but by the way you say it, sounds like you do love her alot and if she just knew that sh'd be happy you're trying to fix things.

You have to start looking at what your fights are about...are they mostly about the same stuff over and over? If so, try to fix the problems themselves and the relationship will breathe better.

If they are random fights about different things, then maybe you guy need to take some time either to yourselves or together.. depending on what's lacking most. Do you talk alot? Usually this solves soooo much! The most tiny misunderstandings can cause great problems... make sure it's not that. Then you should both write on a paper everything good thing you remember about each other when you started being together. What made you smile and laugh. What gave you butterflies and why you wanted kids together. What made you special to others and to each other. Sometimes, the day to day routine, problems and concerns can poison the couple and make you forget the real stuff. Have some quiet times together, a weekend away or week off if possible just the two of you? Like a new couple! Ask each other what you would want to do if you found out it was your love's last day alive? Sometime situations like that can bring up the real meaning of your love... but it's better to realise these things when everything is still ok... Somehow when you look at the overall picture, together, you can see through all the problems and see what's really keeping you together.

Life is short and when you are with someone you love, the is no special day than the present day. But you can't do this alone, you need her to work with you on this... a mariage you probably know is not a one person deal! So if she is as concerned as you to keep the couple working, you are on the right path! And remember, looking in the past to remind yourselves everything that you love about each other is not a step back but a step towards keeping those feelings alive.
Wishing you both the best!

Answer 3

The number one problem with relationships today is that people think they are like in the movies. Relationships take work and fights are gonna happen and when you have kids that puts even more stress on things. Maybe what the two of you need is some scheduled together time, get a babysitter and go to the movies or out to dinner or if you are able to have someone take the kids and stay at home together and spend a nice day alone. Also i know it is hard but if u want to try and limit your fighting try and be the bigger person and walk away from it don't feed into the fight and when both of you have cooled down try and talk about it if the fighting is really bad u can also seek help from a marriage or relationship counselor

Answer 4

You have three small boys. Three really good reasons to work this out. Your children are young and you are both exhausted from work and childcare. You need a romantic weekend without the kids. You need to get a relative to take care of them for two or three days (grandparents are great at this) and you need to go away (any hotel with an indoor pool will do, or a motel on the beach somewhere). You need to start with talking. List for each other your goals and dreams in life. If you can connect on that level, then recognize that you have hit a rough patch (which all marriages do) and you need to get over the hump. Maybe your wife needs some household help or a good nursery school so she has a little time to herself. Maybe you need a babysitter on Saturday nights once or twice a month, so the two of you can go to a movie, have a quiet dinner alone, or go see a sports event or play somewhere. You need to be working as a TEAM. Not separately, as you are now doing. Each needs to think of the other. Ask her what she sees as your best qualities. Tell her what her best qualities are. Start with that. See each other as good, wonderful people you fell in love with, and decide how to get something like that back. Ask each other what ONE thing you could change for the other. And try. If you cannot do it on your own, please seek a marriage counselor. Get referrals from your church or a trusted friend. People who put as much effort into saving their marriages as they do in trying to get divorced, are happier. Even if you end up not being able to save your marriage, you will be able to honestly tell your distraught boys that you did your best and tried your hardest to save the marriage and not leave them. (If they are really young, you will only get visits and that's not the same as being there every day for your boys. You owe them the chance to save the marriage and stay together.) It sounds like you have the 7 year "itch" just a year early. So, get going and get working and you just might be the happiest you've ever been by next summer. Good luck.

Answer 5

Most things can usually be worked out. I have 4 children and my husband and I go through times when we do not get along, and we both love each other very much. But we are always in "Mommie & Daddy" mode, and very rarely in husband and wife mode. Think back to the times when you were really connected, and what kind of things did you do at those good times. It sounds like you guys need a break for just the two of you. Plan a special "date" with your wife, where it is just the two of you, and talk to eachother. Communication is the #1 thing to keeping a relationship together. I can tell you love her, and please don't give up, you have a family, and I am sure you love your kids more than anything, but take a break, get a babysitter, if possible, and do something that both of you love to do together.
It is totally awesome that you are so in love with your wife, and it really shows especially when you ask for advice. There is always hope ..... :o) My husband and I have been married for 8 years.

Answer 6

You can get clear on what you really want in this relationship. It sounds to me like you want to rekindle the love you had in the beginning - perhaps she wants this, too.
You can begin by asking her if she wants this.
If she says 'yes', then here's an idea:
Set aside one evening a week as a 'date night'. Agree on a rule that any topics that cause you to fight are 'taboo'. In the beginning, this may take some effort since you've fallen into the habit of arguing about things.
Make a list of the fight topics and declare them 'taboo' for just that one night.
On the first 'date', brainstorm with your wife to come up with a number of things you would both find fun to do together. Set an intention that once a week, you'll do one or more of these things.
To deal with the 'fight topics': one good way to encourage good conversation is to use a 'talking stick'. Whoever holds the stick gets to say their piece without interruption from the other. Then it's the other person's turn.
While she is talking, let her talk - no matter what she says. Keep quiet until she's ALL DONE. Then you talk and she keeps quiet until you're ALL DONE.
The listener is to just keep quiet. It doesn't mean you agree, it just means you're giving her SPACE to say everything she has to say - whether you agree or not.
During your date night, practice kindness and courtesy with each other.
Try to keep YOUR conversation with the talking stick in hand as kind as possible while you're also honest.
Try - both of you - to realize that it is possible to disagree without hating each other.
If there is a tangible solution to your arguments, e.g. should we buy a new dryer or not, and you disagree on that, put yourself into a position of someone who is helping ANOTHER couple make that decision.
Finally, if you have trouble learning this new behavior on your own, see a family counselor, minister, or a good friend who agrees to play 'referee'.
You have 6 years invested in this relationship and 3 youngsters depending on the harmony and success of your relationship.
If you leave now without resolving your conflicts, you will find the same conflicts creeping up in the next relationship.
It is never hopeless as long as both of you are willing to learn new behaviors. Even if just YOU are willing to learn a new behavior pattern and initially she is not, she may come around once you demonstrate the respect you wish to create for both of you.
Please keep in mind that without some coaching, it is a bit difficult at first to learn these new and more effective ways of communication. It is well worth the effort though, and a third party counselor/referee will most probably support you in rebuilding your relationship.
The most desperate relationships have been turned around into something beautiful and empowering. Don't lose hope.
Only if after giving it a good try it still doesn't work out should you consider divorce.
Keep in mind that the divorce proceedings will require you to communicate, too.
One way or the other, you will have to find a way to upgrade the way you communicate into a more effective and empowering channel, or else you will then have a nasty divorce following a nasty marriage.
There will be property division, child custody, child support, dealing with the next partner in your own and her life - one way or the other, you will have to communicate.
Start NOW with the relationship you have. You may be able to turn it around into what you both want, or at least you will be able to set the stage for the least painful separation.

Answer 7

Well 'you' say you love her more than anything, 'you' want it to work out, but 'we're' not very confident. You have 3 young boys. Whatever happened? Couples counsellings is a good place to start, Divorce is the place to end. You as a 'we' must decide what you both want. Hopelessness is a word no-one likes to be around. Once you go there it is really hard to get out. But cha can! If you love her, don't give up.

Answer 8

You know what, don't give up. It seems like you and her have not had time for just the two of you. If both of you work is hard to connect, you're tired, and you have three children to come home and take care of. And a married couple you tend to focus on everything else, but not each other. You two need to make time for each other. Tell each other how distant you've become and find out why. When you've discovered that, both of you try to come up with a solution. Suggest a day that you can set aside for a dinner date once a week or month, leave secret love notes, call each other just to say hi...etc..etc. You can't let each other slip away without trying. You seem like you want to work it out and there's always a first step before you hit the last. Begin there. Good luck..

Answer 9

It not hopeless unless you believe it is. Make a date with your wife. Take her out for a nice dinner and afterwards the two of you should sit down and talk about your problems.
Draw out some ground rules before you have this discussion. Try to keep the conversation calm, that means no yelling, avoid placing blame and listen when each other talks.
This discussion should not be about defending yourself when your spouse expresses a concern. You both need to just hear what each other has to say, acknowledge the other person's feelings, weather you agree with them or not, and start making compromises to fix these issues. If you can't make head way on your own please see a marriage counselor. Your marriage is worth it. Good Luck.

Answer 10

If there is love in your relationship than there must be willingness to work on it. Love can make anything possible but it's not enough to hold things together alone. If you love each other more than you like being right or more than you like having the last word than there is definitely a chance. You just need to be strong and sit down and really talk to each other without getting upset and defensive about what the other person has to say. It might be painful but it's the only way to fix things. If you don't know what you're doing wrong, and you both are doing things wrong, then how can you fix it. Just be open minded and calm and honestly try to fix what you both discuss.