PLEASE help me on my grammar, i need to send it out to a potencial employer?

Question

i did an internship with him and now he want to know if i am interesed in this field and want to continue.....however while i was doing the internship i used to tell him that i was interesed in another field, but now i realize that i am more interested in this field
so here is what i wan to send him"
plz help me with english ,, its not my first language, and i want him to get my message clear that i am interested in continuing :

message :

Dear Mr. X, I am really interested in technical analysis and trading. However, I realize that right out of college it might be difficult for me to find a position in my area of interest.
On the other hand, working closely with financial adviors (A and B ) , I gained more interesed in sales. I really enjoyed the atmosphere and I feel that this is something that i want to do.
Therefore, I send you my resume

Answer 1

Good letter but...
Message :

Dear Mr. X,
I am really interested in technical analysis and trading. However, I realize that right out of college it might be difficult for me to find a position in my area of interest.
But, thanks to my internship and working in sales I've begin to grow fond of this field. I really enjoyed the atmosphere and I feel that this is something that I would like to do.

Therefore, I have sent you my resume enclosed with this message.

Thank you,
(Your Name)

P.S.- Good luck. Hope you get the job :).

Answer 2

Mr. X,

I'm writing in reference to my completed internship in the technical analysis and trading field. I would like the opportunity to continue growth in this area. As a new college graduate I realize my experience may compromise the specific position I am interested in. However, through working closely with financial advisers (A and B ), Ive gained more knowledge and a deeper understanding in sales. I feel that this atmosphere is an environment I can be at my most productive. I have enclosed my résumé and contact information for your review, and look forward to your reply.

Sincerely,
Your name here.

Answer 3

Some of your wording needs to be changed. Your spelling is okay. Do not downplay your lack of experience due to being newly out of college, and do not mention that your interests have CHANGED to sales. Make your abilities and what you can bring to the job sound positive. Emphasize your enthusiasm for dealing with the public in sales ( or whatever is involved) and for learning what there is to learn about the business world.
I gained more "interested" in sales in incorrect--its "gained more interest." "ed" is the past tense. Your letter has a "begging" quality ( I mean no offense) While you do not need to sound conceited, those who may hire you need to be given the impression that you will be a definite asset to their staff. Good luck. Always use your spellcheck and check your tenses. Practice English every chance you get!

Answer 4

Dear Mr. Soandso,

I am sincerely interested in analysis and trading. However, now that I am finished with college, I've realized it might be difficult for me to find employment in these areas.

Having had experience working closely with financial advisers, I now feel that I have an increased interest in sales. I thoroughly enjoyed the sales atmosphere, and I feel it's something I might like to pursue indefinitely.

I am sending my resume to your for your consideration. Please call me at (my number) if you have any questions. I look forward to hearing from you. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

BlahBlahBlah

Answer 5

You need to cut out extraneous words, and you need to take the focus off the negatives and put emphasis on your desire for the position - I re-wrote:

Dear Mr. X,

It is my intent to pursue a career in technical analysis and trading. In working with your organization as an intern, I gained a greater perspective into sales. I enjoyed the atmosphere in your organization's environment, and would like to pursue such opportunities.

Please review my attached resuméin confidence.

I look forward to working for you again in the near future.

Sincerely yours,

Me:)

How's that!?

Answer 6

You need to change the phase after (A&B) to read "I gained more interest in sales." Also the last line should read " Therefore I am sending you my resume." Other than that it sounds fine.

Answer 7

are u searching for a job if so good luck

Answer 8

That sounds just fine.You did good.

Answer 9

Don't neglect your spelling.