I don't want to get back at him, but i feel like i want to get back at him, and am afraid i might do something that i will regret, how do i get over that feeling. I want to try to trust him again. he was in an online/phone relationship, says they haven't met in person, but he called her more than he called me, called her baby in emails and told her he missed her. I also found out he has profiles in adult sites, that part of it he denies and says that they are spam emails. He says he is willing to do whatever it takes, and i've tested that by telling him i want to go through his emails with him, get rid of certain female contacts, go through his phone bill, not forever, just for a while so i can regain some confidence in this relationship. Now i need to know what is actually reasonable to ask of him, and what might actually make me feel better. And if i do that if i am just asking for him to make more calls from public phones, get another email address, etc.
2006-12-11 08:19:14 · 9 answers · asked by Cyndi Storm 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
sorry for some reason it posted twice. if you can, answer the first one, so i can delete this one later. i think there's something in the guidelines that says you can't post a question more than once, so i might not be able to pick a best for both, and you might not get your points.
2006-12-11 08:23:32 · update #1
I think you need to look at this a few ways.
You need to tell him that trust can only be regained in time and for a while you will have your guard up and will want access to things like phone and email.
You should also look into what really led to this. Did you in any passive way deny him what he needed that cused him to stray. I am not saying it is your fault even if you did or that it would justify what he did but you need to know what the root cause was so you can avoid it in the future.
Best of luck
2006-12-11 08:26:22 · answer #1 · answered by onlineseeker 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First it is not good to play the game of GET BACK. That is not the type of love you want. Here are some ideas for you;
1. For the time you been married is it worth it?
2. Do you feel good when in his arms ?
3. Are you happy when you make love ?
4. Do you feel bad when he is away ?
5. Are their children in the marriage ?
6. Does he make you feel like you are the only one ?
7. Can he convince you that you are the only one ?
8. Did he have a problem letting you see his E-mails ?
9. Does any-one invade your privacy at home ?
10. Can you live with-out him ?
These are questions you need to ask yourself answer with your heart. He is only going to tell you what you want to hear.
Sometimes people need to do what-ever it takes to get out of something and some just say " What the Hell! ". If you want this relationship to work Demand the truth -- Besides what do you have to lose that might be gone already. Be Prayerful and the truth will come out.
2006-12-11 08:47:22 · answer #2 · answered by ocie w 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sorry to hear you're going through a tough time. I know it feels crappy when you think your partner is not being faithful to you. I've been there before.
One thing I would suggest to try to help you get over the feeling of wanting some kind of revenge is that you think about what you want your relationship with your husband to look like. If you want to keep it then just know that cheating on him will pretty much cause you to lead a life of jealousy, second guessing yourself and probably even not likiing yourself very much.
If you decide that you are going to believe he really is a cheater then you're best just to end the marriage and move on. Once a cheater...always a cheater. The vast majority of people who cheat don't do it because of something missing in their spouse, they do it because of something missing in them. If your husband really is cheating then there is some vacumb in him that is not getting filled up by you. Trust me, it won't get filled up by you, nor will it get filled up by any other woman either.
If you want to stay with your man, then take the high road and don't cheat on him. Maybe you could even meet him in the middle. Ask him, in a kind way - not in a collecting evidence that he's a cheater way - what he likes most about those web sites and maybe even add your info to his profile on some of them. Maybe the two of you could have some of these telephone conversations with some of these other women together.
From what I've read the vast majority of people who list themselves on those web sites never do anything real about it. It's more for fantasy than anything else. You won't change him so either leave him or join him.
Best of luck to you.
2006-12-11 08:22:05 · answer #3 · answered by ScubaGuy 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Yes your right! If you make demands he will just hide it better! And your wanting revenge is normal .Your pride has been hurt and you were betrayed badly.Im sorry but your husband has crossed a line too far.You think you can control him?You dont own anyone ! You need to back off and get your head in order your thinking is off right now.You will never have the security again no matter what you demand and when you look back youll think wow! I said and did all that! You need to move on and so does he it hurts badly but when its over its over .He made that clear he doesnt care about you anymore and if you stay he will hurt you again sooner or later .So be smart and heed the warning he gave you.Chin up! move on! Love will come again.Youll see.
2006-12-11 08:28:51 · answer #4 · answered by jessy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Once a spouce has cheated it is very difficult to hold that marriage together. It mostly depends on the cheater. If the cheater is sincere, he will always let you know where he is, what time he will be home, won't hid his cell phone, etc., etc. If the cheater is not willing to do this, regaining trust is almost impossible. It takes a long time to regain trust even if the cheater is willing to do whatever it takes to regain your trust.
2006-12-11 08:29:32 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is going to take a lot to trust him again. None of the things that you are asking are unreasonable, and if he want to make the relationship work, he will be willing to do whatever it takes. You are going to go through a lot of different emotions so be ready but if you want to work on your marriage take it a day at a time and realize that it you aren't going to get over it in one day.
2006-12-11 08:27:32 · answer #6 · answered by juicie813 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have been in this EXACT situation. I required the sites be removed IN my presence, I required email accounts all be closed, except for one, of wich I had access to. I went through ohone bills, cell bill, and even bank charges, for online purchases. I required access to his computer to check the history menu and the cookies for anything suspicious.This happened a year ago, and I still check them, although my trust is returning, and my anger is better. He agreed, and we talk often about why he felt complelled to do what he did. He knows I will never forget, I am always watchful, and I have more faith in him than before.
Feel free to email me if youd like to chat. I know EXACTLY how you feel!
2006-12-11 08:26:51 · answer #7 · answered by sweetie_baby 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He needs to be honest with you, if he is not, it wont work, you cant force him to change, he has to prove himself to you, he screwed up, not you....God bless ya
2006-12-11 08:26:09 · answer #8 · answered by Bert 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I have an idea.
2006-12-11 08:22:14 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋