Husband cheated, now i want to try to trust him again, and stop feeling like i want to get back at him.?

Question

I don't want to get back at him, but i feel like i want to get back at him, and am afraid i might do something that i will regret, how do i get over that feeling. I want to try to trust him again. he was in an online/phone relationship, says they haven't met in person, but he called her more than he called me, called her baby in emails and told her he missed her. I also found out he has profiles in adult sites, that part of it he denies and says that they are spam emails. He says he is willing to do whatever it takes, and i've tested that by telling him i want to go through his emails with him, get rid of certain female contacts, go through his phone bill, not forever, just for a while so i can regain some confidence in this relationship. Now i need to know what is actually reasonable to ask of him, and what might actually make me feel better. And if i do that if i am just asking for him to make more calls from public phones, get another email address, etc.

Answer 1

I have been in this EXACT situation. I required the sites be removed IN my presence, I required email accounts all be closed, except for one, of wich I had access to. I went through ohone bills, cell bill, and even bank charges, for online purchases. I required access to his computer to check the history menu and the cookies for anything suspicious.This happened a year ago, and I still check them, although my trust is returning, and my anger is better. He agreed, and we talk often about why he felt complelled to do what he did. He knows I will never forget, I am always watchful, and I have more faith in him than before.

Feel free to email me if youd like to chat. I know EXACTLY how you feel!

Answer 2

A Husband, not just a boyfriend, who would cheat can only be proven trust-worthy by never cheating again. Does he really need a email account? Why? A fair trial period would be 1 year and he should get rid of all female social contacts that are not relatives, unless you are with him and her. The Home-arrest is a good model; he goes to work and comes home unless he is with you. If he can do this with only minor griping and no backsliding for the full term then you can trust him... Good Luck Oh yes give yourself at least 6 weeks to mourn the death of your faith in him and then intentionally be loving and available to him. Make him feel special and important to you. And maybe you will be lucky

Answer 3

Sorry to hear you're going through a tough time. I know it feels crappy when you think your partner is not being faithful to you. I've been there before.

One thing I would suggest to try to help you get over the feeling of wanting some kind of revenge is that you think about what you want your relationship with your husband to look like. If you want to keep it then just know that cheating on him will pretty much cause you to lead a life of jealousy, second guessing yourself and probably even not likiing yourself very much.

If you decide that you are going to believe he really is a cheater then you're best just to end the marriage and move on. Once a cheater...always a cheater. The vast majority of people who cheat don't do it because of something missing in their spouse, they do it because of something missing in them. If your husband really is cheating then there is some vacumb in him that is not getting filled up by you. Trust me, it won't get filled up by you, nor will it get filled up by any other woman either.

If you want to stay with your man, then take the high road and don't cheat on him. Maybe you could even meet him in the middle. Ask him, in a kind way - not in a collecting evidence that he's a cheater way - what he likes most about those web sites and maybe even add your info to his profile on some of them. Maybe the two of you could have some of these telephone conversations with some of these other women together.

From what I've read the vast majority of people who list themselves on those web sites never do anything real about it. It's more for fantasy than anything else. You won't change him so either leave him or join him.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 4

Sorry to hear your dealing with this, I know it hurts and not trusting can drive you crazy. The deal here is he created this mess, so you do what you have to until you feel better. He may call from public phones, and he may use other email addresses, then again he may not. When you check his email accounts, be sure to check his sent items and the trash folders too. While you are signed in in his account, switch to personals too, if he has an ad there (if we are talking about yahoo accounts) it will show up as soon as you go to the site. Keep a close eye on him and don't let him give you any crap about it, he did this to himself. Good Luck!

Answer 5

Only time can do what you are asking for. If you truly want it to work he has to understand the he messed up and even though you are with him does not mean that you have dealt with it. Try to sit him down and tell him how you are feeling about it. He betrayed your trust and he needs to earn it back. Go through his e-maill' cell phones, etc. If he truly loves you and he is sorry then he will understand you doing it. If he goes to public phones or get other e-mail addresses then he does not love you let alone respect you and you don't deserve that. You have to start somewhere with the trust. Your gut will tell you when something is not right. Well good luck..

Answer 6

Yes...you can never ensure that he won't find a way to cheat. The trust just simply isn't there. He seems like a selfish person that is caught up in himself. There are more caring guys out there. I suggest you bid him farewell and leave yourself open to a relationship with a guy that deserves you. If you decide to stay with him, the two of you are both going to need to make an effort to regain trust. Communication is an impt. thing in any good relationship and would be a good starting point. Good Luck

Answer 7

I've been through two affairs. I wish you the best of luck.

I never regained the trust. It didn't matter what I or she did. It's one of those things you can forgive, but you never forget. The "never forgetting" part is what prevents regaining trust.

Maybe it will be different for you. I hope it is. But I have also learned that usually if a person cheats once, they will end up doing it again. Put yourself and your feelings first with this. He violated the marriage, not you.

Answer 8

Word of advise: If he cheated on you while u guys are married, he will definitely cheat again. I've been cheated on a few times and it leads me to believe that the majority of people (yes men or women) cheat. No need to get back at him, what's the point and what is that going to prove? Also, ask yourself this: If he cheated, why did he cheat? I think its an ego thing. To see if he "still got it". Keep in mind that he could of went to see her and have sex with her but he didnt and that leads me to believe that he did that to satisfy his ego.

I'm telling you, its going to be hard to trust him again but getting back at him is not going to make your marriage better or "teach him a lesson". You need to talk to him and ask him what he was thinking about and why did he do it. Sit down with him and see what he has to say girl but let me tell you, he will definitely cheat again. You can forgive but u never forget and that can cause some serious trust issues.

Answer 9

Talk to a social work or friend about it so that you both can get past it . You must decide that you actually want to forgive him and not bring it up. Gonna take plenty of time so make sure he's worth it.

Answer 10

Cheating is never the problem in a relationship but a symptom, find the real problem and it will work out