Am I wrong for doing this?

Question

When I went to training for the military (5 months) , I left my common-law husband & son.. during that time, I was dumped & almost taken for everything I had in the bank. I came back & if not 4 his sister/my bestfriend; i would have been homeless. With her, i moved into a small 2 bedroom house & was left paying bills that were long overdue & had to work constantly. I decided that my son; who had a nice 3 BR house, a yard to play in, our family dog; should stay w/ his dad. He was reluctant to be w/ me (having been away from me so long) & I figured: why take him from where he's comfortable & I knew I couldnt care for him like his father could...
what im asking is this: Did I do right with doing that? Its been a year & he still lives with his dad (my financial problems). I have my son on Wed nights & every other weekend & I pay for daycare. Is that right or wrong?

The reason I had to pay for the bills is b/c they were in my name (my credit). The reason he had access to my bank account was b/c at the time he was who I trusted with my money, & I payed for daycare to begin with. Everything was split between us.. he payed the power, i payed the water, so on & so forth. My son is 3 years old now & the strangeness is no longer there & he knows the difference between my house & his. No court was involved b/c it cant be afforded. I did get a backbone & still have one but when my son is involved & I was told he could be taken from me.. thats when the hard bone turns to silly putty.

Ms. Katie, I AM concerneed w/ his happiness. Thats why I did what I did. Am I happy w/ the situation? Hell no; I feel like an incompetent mother. Now as for the money..let me say that I work 2 jobs to be able to afford my sons daycare & be able to buy food, pay the bills, & for right now Christmas. I work M-F morning @1 job & every M, T, & Th night @the other. Is $ important? I'd say yeah.
Now, if im responsible eough to enlist in the military to better myself & my childs future, i'd say im responsible enough to know what was best for my child @the moment. As for my son being better off.. all I can say is that my 3 yr old has BOTH his parents not 1.

Answer 1

You may get differing views, but consider what occurs with most men. You have simply reversed that role.

It is very mature of you to know that you cannot properly care for your son at this time.

However, stay involved with him as much as you possibly can. Try to get along with your ex, and be prepared for the new woman who may show up.

Dont beat yourself up over doing what is best for your son. You don't have to be custoduial to be a good parent... as long as you love him and he knows you love him.


Best of luck!

Answer 2

Why are you responsible for your ex's bills? You weren't married at the time they were run up, so how did they become your responsibility? How could he drain your bank account? You don't say how old your son is, but unless he's in his teen years, he needs his mom. Who is looking after him now? Has the dad picked up some other gal who is now playing 'mother' to your son?
If you have your son on Wed. nights and every other weekend, he should have gotten over the strangeness he felt while you were away for your military training. And why are you paying for daycare if his father has custody of him? or does his father have legal custody? Is this just something that he's come up with to avoid giving you money so you could stay home and look after your son?
This is a very confusing situation. You had military training, girl. Didn't that help you cultivate a backbone? You are being taken, and it isn't something new. By acquiescing to this situation, you are telling your son that you don't really care that much if he's with you or not. And that's not a great message to give your kid.
Take the father to court, sue to get back some of the stuff he stole from you, and get custody of your kid. He belongs with you, not some floozy his dad has picked up. And yes, he does owe you child support.

Answer 3

You are doing the best you can in a difficult situation. I would say that is long as the father is more financially capable to take care of your son, then your son should stay with him. There may be a time in the future when your son will want to come and live with you and will want a more active relationship with you. I would give it time, but think you are doing the right thing for now.

Answer 4

~Sounds like you're able to pay bills now, why not have your son come back to live with you? That is what he wants. Money isn't the most important thing in the world. If I were you, I would be more concerned about his happiness.
Unless you're happy with the situation? Some parents don't want the responsibility, like my ex. If that's the case, your son is better off with his father. ~

Answer 5

If his father is a good influence on him you did the right thing. My wife and I have let her daughter live with her father because when she was a baby, he kidnapped her and we didn't see her for almost 4 years. By the time we found her, she didn't know anything else but him. We see her often now but she is more comfortable with her father. He did wrong by taking her from us for so long but we feel that he is a good father to her so we let her stay even though we won custody of her. She is happy there so it is better. I know she still kind of feels like we abandoned her because that is what he told her but she is slowly starting to realize we did try to find her and she is becoming more comfortable around us. We just tell her how much we love her and we know we have done the right thing. So as long as your childs father is a good father to your son I think you have done right.

Answer 6

Well Since I'm a mother I would want my kids with me no matter what the situation is. But you are your own person that has to make that decision which you have and you said it your self he is better off with his dad. Do what your heart feels and whats the best for your son.

Answer 7

You did the right thing. You did what you thought was best for your child which is all that parents can do. As long as you still see him, he knows that you are his mother and you take care of him in some type of way-that is fine.It happens all of the time.Better you do it on your own, than to have protective services do it.