Can you be pushed by ur spouse into sleeping with someone else?

Question

Here's my story, I have been married with my spouse for 6 yrs have 2 beautiful children. Now he cheated on me the first year of marriage now I chose to forgive him.He doesn't give me the attention I need.. I have asked for it on several occasions but he's too tired. Anyway he went through this thing that he didn't want to sleep with me because he is not in the mood for more the 2 months. Now you can wait but so long.So there was a friend of our who would see what was going on and gave me that attention I wanted. I started sleeping with him and now I don't know what to do? I love my husband

Answer 1

I think men and women are so damned stupid sometimes. They treat you like a doormat, and even when you tell them you are unhappy, they still dont care. Your self esteem would have taken a big nose dive, and I can certainly understand the need to feel appreciated. I dont know if I would do it quite like you, because if my husband was so thoughtless as to treat me so shabbily then he doesnt deserve me and if he refused to listen or to care about my needs I would have left him. But everything is not black and white....and you slept with this guy, not for the sex, but for the closeness the need in you to feel wanted, needed and apprecaited. We all need that, and honestly, if you told you husband and he ignored you, well, in my books, he deserves everything he got. He decided not to sleep with you for 2 months? How inconsiderate of him....sounds to me like you are married to a very controlling man. You may love him, but geez, you deserve to be an equal in this relationship, not some doormat he can wipe his feet on. I think the moving out from the bedroom thing is a bit of an indicator that he may still be cheating. He cannot come back and accuse you of anything because he did the same thing. You told him you were unhappy and he ignored you.....what does he expect from you....you are a human being and you have done what most people would do.

If I were you, I would just lay my cards on the table, and tell him what has been going on. Tell him it was not out of revenge, it was out of a need to feel wanted and loved....and tell him in no uncertain terms that he was the reason you felt that way in the first place. Dont allow him to pile guilt on your shoulders...turn it around and start making him be accountable for the lack of consideration. A man will only step on a woman if she allows it. You virtually gave him permission to cheat on you again by taking him back. You really gave him the green light to treat you any way he wants to because there have been no consequences for him cheating. I think the writing is on the wall, and as much as you dont want to believe it, for your own self esteem you really need to confront him with all of it. You have taken him back, but I am wondering did you both go to counselling when you took him back? If you didnt, then there has got to be a lot of unresolved issues. He cheated for a reason...has that reason been attended to?

As hard as it may be, you have to be strong. You have to confront this man and tell him you are unhappy, and he is the reason you are unhappy, and unless he is willing to meet you half way and work on your problems instead of sweeping them under the rug, then you will have no option but to leave. No person, man or woman, should be treated this way. I would be as angry as hell with him. You think he would have been grateful that you took him back, instead of being grateful, he is treating you like you are just a part of the furniture...probably a maid more like it.

You need to find some self esteem and some pride real fast because what he is doing to you will eventually destroy you. You have already felt the need to find affection away from where it should be, so obviously you are miserable. Do you really love your husband....or has he made you feel so low, that you feel indebted to him for staying in the marriage? Love yourself first, find a way to get your self esteem back. A husband/wife who has cheated on you will take its toll whether you push it to the background or not. Cheating is the ultimate betrayal and would have had to do something to your self esteem. Every time you had sex with him, you would be walking on eggshells wondering if you were pleasing him. Its not a good way to live...and you need to find strength from somewhere to show him you are not prepared to put up with this anymore. You forgave him once, but he has done nothing since to make you believe you made the right choice....as a matter of fact your relationship with him has suffered because of it. You need to set some boundaries and if he cant live by them, then he is out the door. No man respects a snivelling woman, a woman who will take him on any terms, but that is what you have allowed. You have virtually told him that he can treat you like sheet and you will accept anything from him.
Its not too late, be strong, be assertive, turn the tables on him and force him to be accountable. If he wants this marriage to stay in tact then he will sit up and listen. If the marriage is over, then isnt it better to find out now, than to wait for another 10 years of him treating you like doormat...just imagine how shot your self esteem would be then. Now is the time to act. Now is the time to make him accountable...not tomorrow, not the next day...its been going on too long now. Today is the first day of your new found freedom. Today is the day, you are going to take control and stop allowing him to treat you this way. Today is the day you are going to take matters into your own hands and tell him what you are prepared to accept and not accept. You have been his doormat for too long, so its about time you asserted your rights and told him to wake up to himself or lose you. Dont just talk though, be ready to act because its probably your lack of actions that has allowed him to think he can treat you this way. You deserve better and dont allow anyone to tell you any differently. Dont get into an arguement with him, dont play the blame game...just tell him in no uncertain terms, that today is the day it all stops, or he goes. Dont do this to yourself anymore, it is degrading and embarrassing. You are better than this, and you can do it. Get angry, believe in yourself, you honestly do not deserve to be treated this way. You are important, for God's sake....when did you stop feeling important?.....I bet you any money you like it was the day you found out he was cheating.

Until you are assertive then nothing will change. The only person you can change is yourself and if he values you enough then he will want to change too.

My first instinct is to tell you to leave his sorry ****, but I know when you love someone that is not easy to do. But what is achievable is you finding the courage to confront him on this and make your demands. When you do that, you will know where he wants to be. And lets face it, why would you want to be with a man who doesnt love you. Do you really need him so badly that you will lose your self-respect for, because that is what is happening right now....every day this goes on your self respect is getting smaller and smaller and if it continues then you will have none and when that happens, hes got you where he wants you...just a mindless little women he can boss around. For the sake of you children, show them that there are two people in this relationship...if they see you accept what your husband dishes out, then they are going to grow up having the same idea about relationships. Relationships are about equality....and no person should hold the reigns in a marriage.

Be strong, take a deep breath and just do it for your own sake.

I wish you all the very best.

Answer 2

Like all sensitive and intelligent individuals you need affection and stimulation for your well being. At the moment this isnt available from your husband so you are naturally seeking it elsewhere. We all need a little attention every now and again!
If your husband isnt fulfilling all your needs then you need to ask yourself if the relationship is worth continuing with. There are sacrifices to be made which ever way you choose to go, only you can know which ones you want to make. Are you prepared to give up your marriage for the hope of a fulfilling relationship elsewhere, or are you prepared to give up the attention and affection for the stability of your marriage? only you can truly know the answer. I personally believe that once the attraction has disappeared in a relationship you can never get it back (I spent 2 years trying) and its time to move on. Best wishes

xx

Answer 3

regardless of whether he cheated u should not have done the same. Two wrongs dont make a right. I understand u tried talking to him about but was wrong what u did. Had u loved him the way u say u did u wouldnt do what u did. Try going to counseling with him if u want to try to work ur marriage. Before u go anyfurther u need to tell your husband and tell him what you did. dont add excuses because when he cheated on you, u know how that felt. good luck

Answer 4

You can blame your husband for "pushing" you to cheat, but you know you are fooling yourself, and that it was ultimately your decision.
You need to stop sleeping with the other guy and get your marriage back on track. Go to counseling with him and work through some issues. If he is not interested in sex, he may be going through something. Maybe he is depressed. Maybe his job is tiring him out. Whatever it is, your marriage is in danger if you don't get on the same page and work together to fix things. If you love him, show him by asking him to help you fix the relationship.

Answer 5

Toughie. Yes, I believe that a spouse can drive you to the arms of someone else. Women crave attention from our men and we go through drastic measures to feel loved, even if it is WRONG from someone else! If you love your hubby, then you should hang in there. Stop sleeping with this friend. Whatever is done in the dark, will soon come to the light.

Answer 6

I think that you need to attend some couples therapy with your husband. If you still love him you should work on keeping your marriage together. You need to find out what is pushing you 2 apart and work on making your marriage strong again.

Answer 7

If you really loved your husband you would not be sleeping with someone else. No matter what excuse you use it is still and excuse. Even your question you are trying to blame him...thats crap!
Now you need to do him a great big favor and leave him.
Maybe he can have a chance to find a woman willing to Love and Honor.

Answer 8

Think about your kids. You and your husband need therapy or a divorce, but don't drag your kids through your issues. I say just get a divorce.

Answer 9

maybe its time to say goodbye to him, because if he is not loving you that means there is a possibilty some one else is loving your man. listen to your inner heart feeling. remember this when u both r sleeping around who r u hurting. your children feel everything! let it go

Answer 10

Read Amy Sutherland's book. It has the solution to your problem.

Answer 11

it works both ways when the woman doesnt give the man attention he finds it somewhere else sex doesnt have anything to do with love so it is up to you what to do if you tell him that you are getting it somewhere else he might wake up