Do you like my poem? just say what you feel?

Question

As you skip back home, dishonest and sly,
A dark mark dances in your eyes.
To mother that dark mark, in the light,
Says every dark deed done tonight.
For A mother always knows

As it reveals all of your lies,
She's heart broken and horrified.
She then pretends to be naive,
It's not my son, she must believe.
But a mother always knows

The next day to mother you run,
With a wound on your chest, the wound from a Gun.
She claps her hands, and turns away,
When I turn, it will be gone, I pray.
For she never wants to know.

Answer 1

very good!

little challenge for you....see if you can add a few more verses...it could make a great song!

Answer 2

Pretty good! Good overall structure, I just have a few suggestions:
I would rephrase the 3rd line. It threw me off at first and I had to get to the end of your phrase b4 I understood it.

Also, maybe change claps to "clasps." If I were a worried mother, I'd clasp my hands together, but not clap them.

Also, beware your tense. You are talking in third person about the mother, then switch to using first person saying "I." It gets confusing.

Try **"When I turn, it will be gone," she prays.** That will keep your tense constant and allow you to still have a personal quote from the mother.

Hope that helps!

Answer 3

I Like your Name more
my mothers a whore

she only knows
where the next fix will go

although she's not there
at least I have air

so I can decide
which bus I will ride

Answer 4

Uh huh.... I think you have a good draft. You need clarification of your main idea. Of course it is a poem, and subject to interpretation, but if you are going for the same idea as the other answers take it to mean, then you need to clarify your second paragraph. It could be really good. Good luck.

Answer 5

that is good.......i write poems too....there is this poetry site that u might submit that to its completely free and u have a chance of getting published and or winning like the grand prize which is 10000 dollars or they have a 5000 one or a 1000 one....and u can get published..its free and ur work remains urs......its www.poetry.com.....u can submit as many as u want..

Answer 6

I absolutely love that poem. Reminds me of my son and I who are currently feuding because he runs away to live with his gang bangers.

Answer 7

I think you're poem is well written and understood and has good rhythm. I like the subject and how you described it

Answer 8

I'm no poetry expert, but I like it... the meaning is clear and I like your style. I think you have potential.

Answer 9

Its alright.

Answer 10

Pretty good,sad but true !!