He has cheated on her and walked out 5 times in 5 months. Now she says she is gonna marry him. Do I turn my back and ignore or what?
2006-12-11 04:57:55 · 31 answers · asked by Dee 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Sounds very bad but she needs to make her own mistakes and so you may just have to allow her to do so. I remember being that age many years ago, and believed that I was wiser then Einstein himself and as such would not listen to anything that was being said for my benefit either. If indeed she does marry this man it doesn't sound as if it will be a lasting relationship and she will become part of the divorce stats. As much as you'd like to try and steer her in the right direction it may all be for not, for she truly may believe that once they marry he will change for her. But you and I both know that nobody changes unless they want to. I suppose the best thing that you can do at present is to show her support and hopefully somewhere along the line she will see how foolish her choices are.
2006-12-11 05:06:33 · answer #1 · answered by crazylegs 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
AHH!! This is terrible! My sister, who is now 31 years old, did this EXACT same thing when she was 18!!!! Except she was pregnant with the lying cheater's baby!! He was abusive, both emotionally and physically. I was only 13 at the time, but I remember that my grandfather was very sick in the hospital. My sister called my mother, who was at the hospital, and simply said, "Lance and I are going to get married" and she hung up!! My mom and I drove home quickly, but they were gone--and they did get married. She wouldn't see the family for a long time. That is, until he beat the crap out of her one night when she was 8 months along. She came back home, ended up having the baby not long after, and then went back to him. She got pregnant again and he beat her again--then he went to his new woman. Thank god they divorced, but it was extremely difficult on my entire family. My dad wanted to kill him. Now, all these years later, that A$$ has never paid child suppport, and just last year he relinquished all paternal rights. My sister's husband adopted the two kids. They are doing well, but I will tell you that it was bad for a while. Here is my advice to you:
Do not try to force her out of the relationship. My mom has said a hundred times that if she could go back she would not have done that. It drove my sister to him even more. Just support her and let her feel comfortable coming to you. You'll have to bite your tongue, but I think it will be worth it. Don't let her think of you as the enemy.
2006-12-11 05:07:20 · answer #2 · answered by danika1066 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She is not an adult, depsite being 18. I went through a similar thing when I was 18, had forsaken my supportive family for soemone who turned out to be - actually had always been - an @$$h*!e.
When you're 18 love is at its blindest.
She doesn't really know what she's doing, and telling her this fact will not work, probbaly only make it worse. I would say, since she is not conscious of what she is getting herself into, as the parent you have a responsibility to stay in the picture as the safety net, because when the wheels come off, and I'm sur ethey will, she will need you.
She will thank you one day.
2006-12-11 05:06:01 · answer #3 · answered by Paula879 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Absolutely not. Lay down the law - tell her she is a moron for going out with a guy that has cheated on her 5 times in 5 months and that a TOTAL STRANGER said so - me! If she doesn't listen, you warned her. However, it would be better if her friends told her. In this case you might want to sit her down quietly and ask her if YOU should marry a guy that cheats on YOU all the time. When she says "of course not" you can then ask her, "then why are you? Don't you know you are setting yourself up for a heartbreak?" Do whatever you can to stop it and let her know in no uncertain terms that marriage alone will NOT stop him from cheating. Do whatever you can to stop this before its too late. If she is too stupid and stubborn to listen, at least you warned her. Best of luck to you and yours.
You may also want to hire a private investigator to document his "dalliances" with other women. It might make your daughter furious, but if you can prove that is a hound dawg, that might open her eyes.
2006-12-11 05:04:36 · answer #4 · answered by Paul H 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
We admitted we were powerless over others...
Your daughter has a problem... she doesn't see it and the more you rail against the boyfriend, the great the distance you will put between her and you.
Her addiction to the relationship is like a drug addiction. Even though she continues to suffer and lose friends and family, she clings to him. It is very sick and codependent behavior.
You are powerless over her, in fact the more you try to help her, the more she resents you. She feels enough shame, but cannot help herself. What she is doing makes no sense, and she cannot help it. She has to hit her own bottom in the relationship. When there is enough pain and her life becomes so unmanageable that she cannot take anymore, then she'll get out. Hopefully into recovery or she may wind up in the arms of another such fellow.
The healthiest and most loving thing you can do for your daughter is to love her and leave her alone. Get off her back, don't even think about controlling her. End sarcastic remarks about her b/f. Don't engage in conversation about him. It's her business.
SHe is an adult and must find her own way, the more you try to point out the lunacy of what she is doing, the more she will resist and focus on you and blame you.
It is difficult to see aloved one suffer. I have endured this with the addicts and alcoholics in my life. Al-Anon made all the difference and gave me back to myself. I am loving more and more without conditions and without expectation and I keep my nose out of their business. When they stop defending against me, they can focus on themselves and their own lives.
2006-12-11 05:14:18 · answer #5 · answered by teach_empathy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! You need to help her now!!!! I am a 23/m and I turned my back on my family and friends (well, more less was forced too) when I was 19 to be with a girl who was at the time my fiance. She beat me up. She cheated on me 5 times that I know about, and had lowered my self esteem to the point where she would tell me about other guys, and warning me that if I left her, I would never find another girl, ever. She brought me down to a level that I still have not recovered from, as I am still depressed by it. I have somewhat reconciled with my family, but it will never be what it was before her. And I lost a best friend becuase of her. If she does this it might get to the point where it did with me, where he controls who she talks to, ect. Please help her@!
2006-12-11 05:03:50 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
She's 18 now, time for her to make her own mistakes. Tell her you love her and will always be there for her when she needs you. As long as she does not steal from you or defame you in some way, then she just needs to walk her own path. In fact, why not turn the table on her, and help her along with the wedding plans. Tell her it will be great having your life back after raising her for 18 years.
2006-12-11 05:01:43 · answer #7 · answered by javelin 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm sure as her family, you have done everything possible to dissuade her from her decisions and perhaps you can give it one more try before giving up. Some teens like to test the waters (so to speak) and it takes a lot more than someone walking out on them to wake them up from their dreams. If she insists on marrying this guy, ask her if she can wait just a bit longer. If she doesn't want to, there's nothing you can do but to support her decision and be there to bring her home when she finally comes to her senses. Good luck.
2006-12-11 05:04:50 · answer #8 · answered by Jules 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have to intervene before its too late!! I understand that she's 18 and that you feel that she should be able to make her own decisions but you are still her mother and if you want what is best for her do something. Tell her that marriage is a serious issue and a big step. Don't let her waste it on some idiot that doesn't care for her!! Tell her to open her eyes and let her realize that she is so much more beautiful than what she is trying to be with!
2006-12-11 05:03:13 · answer #9 · answered by poetchicka2 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have to let her go and make her own decisions. It sounds like you have talked to her and made your feelings known...but if you interfere anymore she will hate you. She is old enough to make her own decisions, even if they are wrong. So you have to let her do what she wants to do, and then be there for her when everything falls apart. Just be as supportive as possible. I know it will be hard, but there is really nothing you can do! Hopefully she will learn from her mistake and realize that she should have listened to you. But you are her mother, she is 18 (which is still young, I know...) and can think for herself, so she needs your support more than anything. That is what will keep your relationship strong!
2006-12-11 05:02:18 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋