I need some advice. I'm in the middle and don't think I should be.?

Question

I have two boys ages 8 and 5. I remarried when they were 5 and 2. They know him very well and have come to love him very much. He is a lot better father then their real one. I thought everything is perfect. I brought these 3 people together and loving it. I recently had a baby. My husband does not have any children, so this is his first. Now his temper with "my children" is gone. That is now how he refers to them. I talked to him about it and he says that it is because they are not listening. He tells them to keep their room clean and they don't until we get onto them about it. He wants to have my 8 yr old be more responsible, like taking a shower everyday without reminding him. I understand him and think my kids should be responsible, but they need reminders. Now my kids don't always talk nice about him anymore and he always tells me when they are wrong and I have to punish. I feel that we are a family and no reason now that I have to be in the middle when we weren't that way b4 baby

Answer 1

A new baby can be very stressfull.

Children do need reminders and structure. Punishment is unhelpful and destructive. Consequences teach a child cause and effect.

To get a child to clean his room, there is no reason to harp on him. Tell him once that he will need to clean his room by a certain time. If the room isn't clean by the time you set, he will go without dessert, or he won't be allowed TV or video games. Tell him ONCE and stick to your guns. The first few times he will put up a fight, but once he learns, he will comply.

Punishment is different. Punishment is punitive and out of control and without anticipation. Consequences are reasonable and logical.

For reminders, Post-it notes help. A child is not perfect but after experiencing the consequences of his actions, he will be more apt to remember.

Yelling, insulting, and belittling are all unacceptable behaviors, especially from a parent.

Be specific in your requests. Telling a child to "clean up hi room" is very vague. A child's idea of clean may be totally different from a parent's. Say specifically what you want done, and allow a reasonable amount of disarray or some say in the placement and organization in the child's room. This lets him be himself and still learn to be neat and orderly.

Again a routine is helpful. Showers can be done the same time everyday before breakfast or before dinner. It takes a little time to develop the habit, but it will make things so much easier.


Making a list of things that need to be done is also very helpful for everyone. It really removes worry and keeps us on track.

Answer 2

That is horrible. When me and my husband seperated, I tried everything in my power to keep the marriage together for my osns sake. What is happening to you is exactly what I feared would happen if I ended up marrying someone else and that is what i didn't want since I had a step-mother who treated me like crap and was very abusive to me because I was not her child and she treated my brother (her son) like GOLD and he could never do any wrong. That is why I thank GOD every day that my husband and I reconciled and now I also have a beautiful baby girl, but at least i can say my husband is a good dad and he loves these kids.........sorry that your ex wasn't more loving with the children, but you need to tell your husband that he can't treat your kids like that especially when he was so wonderful before. they are innocent children and they will begin to resent the baby and that is not fair to put brothers against each other and the baby will learn from his father to put the older 2 down and he will believe that he is better than the older sons.........its just horrible but that is what happened to me and my brother. I hated him forever, now that we are grown. I am 27 and he is 22, now is when we get along and talk alot, before we hated each other and it was all because of my step-mother and I hated my dad for letting it go on. Your kids could grow to resent you for not standing up for them and their happiness.......they didn't ask to be born or ask to be put in this situation....i feel bad cause i know how they must feel :(

Answer 3

If you look at this whole thing in terms of evolution, it makes perfect sense. (Males do not usually protect and raise offspring of other males.... just not in their best interest.... I am sure you have seen enough television --Discovery Channel--- to know that when a male lion for example --takes over a pride, he kills all the cubs of the other pride male to bring the females back into season..... he would have no reason to protect cubs not carrying his genes..and every reason to have females pregnant asap with his cubs...) We are not so far removed from critters...... You husband is simply having a natural reaction now that he has a child he has fathered....but to be a complete family where he will again accept your children will take some family counseling. So, sweetie, I'd suggest a few sessions. You and he and all of your children are a unit, providing an environment where all of your children feel safe, secure, and loved...He needs again to take that role. But you will all need some help for him to be able to do this

Answer 4

Your husband is being unreasonable thinking that an 8 year old is going to shower without being asked. An 8 year old has other things on their mind and not bathing, that is just being a normal 8 year old child. If your husband continues to have this kind of temperament with your other children then you may have to ask for counseling or worse. These children look to you for protection, of ALL kinds. Please, these children come before your husband, maybe he needs to be reminded of that!

Answer 5

yes they always need reminders. they still have to be taught that the world does not revolve around them. i've never had to remind my son to take a shower but my daughter is a different story. it just depends on the child too. he is expecting a lot out of an 8 and 5 year old. thank God for a patient mother like you.

Answer 6

I would tell hubby that things haven't changed just because there is another baby in the house. If your kids understand that hubby can also do punishments then I would tell him to take on more of that responsibility. Not only would that ease stress off you but it would also make the relationship between the boys and hubby.

Answer 7

Some men cannot handle the stress of a new born and he might be taking his frustrations out on the little ones.Shame I feel sorry for both you and them.Try talking to him about the situation and the way you feel.He might not realise what he is doing...
Goodluck and believe that things will work out...