Do I have to hug them ?

Question

I truly hate my in-laws, to the bone, and I am being forced to fake it and get along (or he will divorce me and leave me and the kids) (long story). How can I avoid physical contact with them in greetings and departures ? We have been estranged for years adn they dont even know our kids and they will probably be expecting hugs and kisses from them as well. This makes me truly uncomfortable (and disgusted). I dont want to plant anything in the kids, but I would like to tell them that they dont have to if they dont want to. HOw can I handle this well ?

Thanks.

Answer 1

Honey, you are trying to keep your kids from showing affection to their grandparents based on your own dislike of them. Unless the grandparents are pedophiles or child-abusers you need to let them get to know their grandchildren. And if as you say you have been estranged for years you don't really need to worry about it all that often. If the grandparents are avoiding family gatherings you might as well let the kids meet and greet and then let it go. It will be a non-issue. You should also ask your husband to come with you to seek counseling to save your marriage FOR THE CHILDREN! Leave them out of the spat you're having regarding his parents. And faking it now will save a lot of heartache later if you are willing to do anything to save your marriage FOR THE KIDS!

Answer 2

First of all, if you are serious that he would divorce you over feigning welcome for the estranged in-laws, then this hugging issue is the least of your problems. Seriously, not being snarky, if he truly threatened you like this then he can just stay with these horrible people while you and the kids take half and try to get on with your lives. There are worse things than divorce...living under the thumb of a tyrannical spouse is one of them.

More to the point, I think the best thing is NOT to coach the kids. Why? You know the kids...they say the darndest things and as long as your scumbag husband isn't coaching them to be fake too, then what will they say? "Who are you?" "Why haven't we seen you?" "I'm not supposed to talk to strangers" "Please don't touch me, I don't know you." The truth, while painful, is often your ally.

Get through the holidays, get your affairs in order, get a lawyer, and get out.

Answer 3

WOW ! another excellent question !! Thanks -
I remember being in this situation but everyone needs to hug the little guy - I was also repulsed by hugs and kisses that were uncalled for - In my case there was very little I could do about it

I would let the kids decided what they wanted to do - Your son can always stick out his hand and so can your daughter - but most relatives want the huggy body and kissy face routine -
It is very hard to express your true feelings to relatives - I propose that you just go with the flow and let it happen - Your husband may feel the same way about some of your relatives to.
Just be yourself and let the kids do the same and enjoy the time of year and the relatives that you do have - someday they will all be gone and then it will be to late to let them know that you at least care if they live of die !
Happy Holidays !

Answer 4

First of all your husbands actions are ridculous.... It should be your choice wiether or not to hug them... I would just keep my distance from them at all times..... only speak when they ask you a question...

As for the kids let them decide on thier own what they wanna do but since they do not know them i see them not hugging them unless they are told too atleast that is who my son is..

You need to set down and speak to your husband because he is showing great disrespect to you and your marrige by throwing around insults like he is..... I would say hey i will do what i want to do and if you dont like it then leave then I would take his *** for child support and find someone better.... The longer you allow him to act this way the harder it will be to deal with later. Good luck and I hope it all works out for you and your family

Answer 5

Pretend to be sick, nothing too serious but say "don't come too close I wouldn't want to pass any germs"

Just avoid them. Come in and go right to the washroom. When leaving go out first to start the car and carry stuff out...don't come back in just wait for your husband to join you after he says good-bye.

Let the kids do what they will do. If they ask if they have to hug then tell them they never have to do anything they don't want to do regarding hugging or kissing. (i always tell my kids they never have to hug or kiss anyone if they don't feel like it--including me)

You could just tell them honestly that you are not comfortable with that show of affection and that for the kids, they will get to know them better then be allowed to decide for themselves.

Answer 6

It sounds like you need to repair your relationship at home first. (he'll leave me and the kids ?) It sounds like you feel trapped in your relationship and the in-law thing is either the result of your relationship problems or, maybe, the cause of your relationship problems. Either way you need way more help than can be given here. You need counseling, desperately, or your marriage will end. (good or bad?) If you can't afford counsel ling then try clergy. and remember, preachers are just like anyone else-some good-some bad-some you feel comfortable with and some not.

however you do it you need a disinterested third party to listen and give input.

Answer 7

Your question was very vague. There are some very legitimate reasons for not liking your in-laws, however there are some that lack any real significance. Without knowing the why for your dislike I personally cannot answer your questions other than to say i have never hugged anyone that I disliked in my life. When they tried to hug me I stepped back and stuck out my hand.

Answer 8

My children don't feel comfortable with my husbands side of the family (long story) and I have told them that they do not have to hug or kiss someone that they don't want to. My oldest made the comment to his Grandmother when she started getting mad that he wouldn't kiss her that he didn't have to kiss her. She was mad at me and I told her that I DID tell my children that they should never have to hug or kiss someone that they don't want to. I also explained that I am sure that they wouldn't want the children feeling forced. It worked out for us and my kids don't feel pressured to do something that they don't want to do. Good luck.

Answer 9

Don't make the move to hug them. Let them make the move all the time. Eventually they will get the hint and might stop.