After 18 years of marriage, my wife and I had a very tough year. For about 6 months, my wife was drinking excessively several times per week, staying up inside our house very late (2-4am) and we fought (verbally) often during this period.
One night about 2-3am after a long fight, my wife went to the couch and passed out. I was mad and couldn't sleep anymore and had to go to work in the morning. I got up went to the couch and started taking off her clothes to have sex. Just for fairness....I knew she wouldn't want me doing this, but I knew she was too drunk to resist much.
In the middle of having sex she looked up at me, got really mad and told me to get off her. I got off her when she said this, no physical force was used to keep going.
It has been 6 months since this happened and she is mad and tells me I raped her. I don't agree. I am not saying I didn't do something wrong, but I do not think this is considered rape.
What do you think?
2006-12-11 01:53:36 · 39 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
If you knew she wouldn't want want you to do it, but did it anyway because you knew she was too drunk to resist, this is clearly sexual abuse.
"Rape is defined as forced, manipulated or coerced sexual intercourse (or other sexual act) against the will of the victim. If the act occurs while the victim is unconscious, asleep or otherwise unable to communicate unwillingness, it is still considered rape."
Note the second sentence
2006-12-11 01:59:15 · answer #1 · answered by Tom :: Athier than Thou 6 · 3⤊ 2⤋
Yes, your wife probably does feel like she was raped. If she was in a coma would you have done the same thing? I don't think so. A woman or a man must always be a willing participant, even when you are married.
After being married 18 years you certainly have something to save. Talk to her and admit you were very wrong. Loose the word rape, it's too legal. The point is right or wrong. The point is how it made her feel. The point is does she feel safe and close to you. You can make her feel that way again.
Bad times can put a strain on any marriage and the drinking will only make it worse; you must help her with this.
Remember all those wonderful things you said to each other 18 years ago? Now is the time to put those promises to work.
I wish you the best, you obviously feel terrible about this.
2006-12-12 02:22:33 · answer #2 · answered by Old Mother Hubbard 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You're in trouble brother. FOLLOW the gist of what I say here. Let me tell you the exact psychology of your wife: she doesn't really care whether you raped her or not. After all, in 18 years of marriage, you had sex several times at least.
Remember one thing a Golden Rule: A marriage is nothing but Power Games. Rarely does a couple share power equally - in general, one partner likes to maintain a psychological dominance over the other for their own security. For a man, this means he earn more than his wife to feel like the KING. For a woman, this means any instrument that can be used by her to keep the man on his toes.
Now, she doesn't really feel bothered whether you had raped her or not: try cuddling her for a change and initiate soft sex and you'd know what I mean. It's just that the LAW is on her side now, and she's going to use it as a Bargaining chip against you whenever there is a need. E.g. if you file for a divorce, she may use this one episode to fricassee your testicles for lunch, so that you don't even dare to think of it.
Unfortunately, you were born in the wrong country (I presume you live somewhere in the Western world). If you were in some Islamic nation, hell- the LAW there would have been on your side - wives are practically slaves over there to their bearded men. This is America now, and you realize who is the slave. If you don't want to see prison for a good 7-8 years, you had better treat this case as a slave would treat his master. No exaggeration here - you had better comply to her every whim and fancy, and try to win her over softly. The results may take time, maybe 6 months more. By now, you know there must be some things of you that actually IRRITATE her; e.g. ignoring her when she is doing those tantrums, not doing the laundry, not giving her more money to run the household...unfortunately, the legal system in this country would make you a victim so you better try to save your a.s.s. every possible way.
Slowly, and gradually when your wife realizes one day, say six months down the line that you have turned into one Obedient and controllable slave: she would be more relaxed and you can count more days of reprieve, and look forward to a stressless life, even if that means you stay where you are in your career and end up in the trash bin one day.
Be British and keep a steady chin and face your f*king life as a man would.
I really love my single status, and the freedom that comes with it. My belief just gets reinforced after hearing about victims like you.
Feel sorry for you, brother.
2006-12-11 02:49:24 · answer #3 · answered by quilm 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You admitted you knew she wouldnt want it, so even without her telling you in words, you raped her. Being married to someone does not give you the right to take them at will and it doesnt warrant such behavior. Short and simple you raped her. What happened that night was no different than taking advantage of a drunk girl at a party, because it is your wife, I guess you got lucky, had this have happened at a party with a girl your butt would be in prison.
The fact that you acknowledge what you did was wrong is good. May I suggest you two sit down and talk. Talk about the root of the problem (which is not 100% you.) She needs help for her drinking, and you need to be more respectful of her wishes. Bottom line is, while there is no excuse for what you did, she too needs to take a look at her own actions for what led up to the incodent. She is not to blame for what YOU did, and YOUR not to blame for what she did. Get that women some help, and try to control your urges.
**I must say while I am disgusted at what you did, I am also glad you admit to doing something worng in the first place.
2006-12-11 02:02:11 · answer #4 · answered by Chasity 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Anytime you have sex with someone that is not in a clear state of mind you are committing rape under the letter of the law. Stupid I know. But just because you got off when she told you to dosen't make it right. People have actually been charged and found guilty in cases like this. Usually happens with a girl one picks up at a bar but can extend to a wife or girlfriend.
2006-12-11 02:06:26 · answer #5 · answered by areed013076 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It doesnt matter what you think. You are not asking for your opinion, you are asking for hers. You know what she thinks.
After 18 (supposed) years you should have figured out that a woman views intimacy as intimacy, and not just sexual release. Tell me what was intimate about what you did? What was gentle? What part of it was speaking the language of cherish that women hunger for? What part of it was about serving her needs and wants?
Whether or not it was rape, you are grossly out of line, and you know it. Your relationship is in serious trouble and you know it.
It was rape. There was a case in utah where all a girl had a series of guys, and all she said was no once, then they went at it. In court they all said she said no.. they all went to prison. They knew she said no, and they went at it anyway. All she has to do is express to you that she doesnt want it. You knew she didnt want it, and you went at it anyway.
Now here is where you have to be bigger than a pathological rapist - dont spend all your energy justifying your actions and saying it wasnt. Dont change your story. They start out confessing what they did, and appologise, then suddenly its your fault, then suddenly they are the victim. They cant stand the truth and they invent a sick lie, and start telling it to people you both know. Thats sick and wrong. Dont be that guy.
Get marital counseling, if you are even able to stay married. You know how your wife wants (and deserves) to be pursued. If she ever takes you back its the sheer grace of God and not man.. because I dont think its even possible for a human being to forgive something like that. If she feels that it was rape, there is a cold rock in her heart the size of Mount Everest. If you are a man worthy of being her husband you will invest the year or years it takes to break it down and melt it. If you dont, you were never worthy to be her husband.
2006-12-11 02:10:49 · answer #6 · answered by Curly 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Very tough question and a very good question - I really believe that a lot of thought needs to go into this question before it could be answered with truth and discretion.
My immediate thought was "Yes" this is rape - however, she is your wife and that allows you to have sex with her - but it should be OK with each partner when having sex - I do believe you made a large mistake - and an apology and some roses are due her-
for the rest of the situation - you two need to have a real good down to earth conversation about your relationship -
I am interested to see other comments on this question -
Thanks for letting others voice their opinions.
2006-12-11 02:04:44 · answer #7 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it is. If she had no choice in the matter because she was unable to make a choice at the time then it was forced upon her and that would be rape. It would be no different than someone putting a drug in your drink to cause you to pass out and then the person who put the stuff in the drink having sex with you without your knowledge.
2006-12-11 02:03:01 · answer #8 · answered by Judy D 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Why wouldn't this be rape? Just because you didn't come?
Newsflash: A man doesn't have to come to rape a woman.
You forced yourself on a semi-comatose woman. You pushed your way into her body and proceeded to use her as if she were a plastic doll for your own amusement.
This behavior is not the behavior of a normal man. This is not the behavior of a loving husband.
This is the behavior of a man taking anger out on a woman's body. That is what rapists do.
Get yourself some counseling now. And you and your wife need couples counseling.
Consider yourself lucky. Many women would have woken you up the next night by doing a Bobbit on you.
2006-12-11 01:59:33 · answer #9 · answered by Karen L 3 · 3⤊ 3⤋
"I got up went to the couch and started taking off her clothes to have sex. Just for fairness....I knew she WOULDN'T WANT ME DOING THIS, but I knew she was TOO DRUNK to resist much."
yes this is a case of rape even know she is your wife it is rape. you said it yourself
2006-12-12 14:39:33 · answer #10 · answered by neakblue 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋