Time to let go and move on, or what?

Question

Me and my wife have been married for 3 years, we have had our up and downs and have had moments i will remember for ever, but as of the last year all we seem to do is fight and argue to the point of her moving out. I came to the point that i said allot of things to her i shouldnt of have said, things to make her sad and cry, i behaved in a way that sometimes i was not sure why my behavior was that way. I did not tell her how special she realy was to me and how much i truly loved her, even though deep inside i wanted to tell her everything. Sometimes i got mad at the stupidest things and take out my anger on her, i know im a jerk and deserve what i get right? But listen, dont judge me my side of the story is I worked hard for everything we have, and never say no to her on what she wanted, but the thing that made me mad the most is her obsession with talking to people online (guys) I know that if i told her how i felt more often she wouldnt need the internet to find attention.

Maybe if i was there for her more she wouldnt need the guys online, but in a way is that not being unfaithful to me? I mean am i wrong for being upset? Is it ok for her to not want to work, or help me pay bills? Is it ok for her to put friends and (strangers online) ahead of me? Im confused because i realy love her but i think maybe we might need to seperate/divorce and maybe with time she/i will grow up and take love seriously. Right? what should i do i love her but i dont feel i can trust her and thats a big key factor in a relationship right? someone please help me.

If you have advice for her, wether its good or bad please email her at [e-mail] Words of wisdom is what we need and maybe someone out there can offer that to us. I dont make excuses for my actions i know the way i acted was wrong but i hope to fix it and well maybe someone outthere can help.

Answer 1

Your situation exists because you let it. At what point does your being there for her include her being there for you. You marry her set her up in a house let her stay home and not work and in return you get chat and grief for not paying enough attention. Then when you have had enough and let her know it she gets sad and cries?
You sir, are being manipulated by an ungrateful woman who is about herself and not the couple. If you do not make some significant changes in your attitude toward her she will continue to take and never give.
A lot of marriage issues can be resolved without counseling but this one cannot. Until someone tells her that her manipulation is wrong she will continue.
It may be time for you to make some of your own demands. One being that the guy chat stop. Its not that she is cheating but a lot of her emotional commitment is being diluted by this. Another may be for her to get a job and start to contribute monetarily as she is not doing much emotionally. Lastly, call her bluff on moving out. When she gives you the I'll leave line show her the door. Do you really think she will get off that gravy train?
You are being strung out by a woman on the take who gets everything she wants and uses psycho babble about her needs
to keep you in line. She has moved from her parents house to yours except that they made demands on her you do not.
You know you must redifine the roles here for the benefit of the couple instead of you serving her. Its the only way you have a chance.
Learn to manage your anger. You are locked up in the frustration of giving and giving and never getting a return. Then you boil over and say stupid things. She is using this as a control device.
It is pqast time for you to take charge of your part. You cannot cure this by continuing in this manner unless you are willing to give up what's left of your manhood.
Go to counseling and let them tell her.

I know this is an unpopular position amoung the women who will line up to tell you its your fault for not giving enough. Don't buy it. You have done what a guy is supposed to do. You have married her, set her up in a home and provide financially. You have attempted to give her what she wants, or said she wants. Its time for some return which includes stopping the suspect behavior.
Man Up, take charge.

Answer 2

You are right that if you show her more attention that she wouldn't need the internet. On the other hand, you should have no desire to give her more attention if she is turning to the internet. She needs to stop developing personal, and maybe even emotional, relationships online and then you need to more attentive to her.

Since she doesn't work and you are paying all the bills I would say the attention she needs is more compliments on her appearance and appreciation for work she does around the house (I'm assuming she does a fair share of house work if she doesn't have a job).

If you are dealing with a women that doesn't work, doesn't keep a house, and just sits around chatting online then there is nothing you owe her! If she can't get her act together then you need to find someone who will appreciate the hard work you do.

Answer 3

well, she's not really cheating on you..there's nothing wrong with talking on-line.they can't touch her anyway.the moment she turns off the pc,it's over, and you are the boss again..you seemed to be a good husband by giving her what she wants,but maybe she really needs much of your attention..try having a vacation leave and have time for your wife..get back together, love is never too late.. let me add this: don't ever say anything that will hurt her emotionally about not working and paying bills, besides she is also working at home as a full time housewife, and that's her only way to relax some time.. just let her realize that you love her so much that you can't just let anything come between your relationship, and be sorry by being a jerk...good luck!

Answer 4

The headline almost answers the question itself.

You over looked one small thing when telling us you provided everything your wife wanted.

You forgot to give your wife the respect she wanted and deserved. She just didn't verbally ask you for it. she shouldn't have had to ask.
It is implied in the institution of marriage.

secondly, you wrongly assumed that giving material things your wife wanted made up for all the disrespectful things you did to her.
furthermore, it appears she has already moved on leaving your decision moot. that decision has already been made (by you for treating your wife like a possession) when your wife left.

However, all may not be lost... the key here is MAY.

You need to realize that you were at least part of, if not the cause of some or all of your marital problems. my guess is that if your wife was getting what she needed she would not need to look for it else where (e.g. on the internet taking to guys).

Tell your wife you are sorry you made her feel less than adequate and that you are trying to learn from your mistakes. Let her know you are committed to fixing your relationship.

if you learn nothing else from your mistakes, learn this:

you reap what you sow. every action has a consequence. And in this example, you wife finally hit her limit with your verbal abuse. (a general rule here is that if it made her cry it was abuse) all people have there limits. nothing is ever really forgotten. in fact, every time you do something else, i suspect all your past sins are reviewed...


good luck.


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Answer 5

I'd get professional help at this point. You are both hurting and are too angry and exhausted to recover this alone. She's not being good to you in chatting online, but then, again, in this situation, who can blame her? Spouses need to be kind to each other - they are too integral to each other's lives to let disagreements get out of hand, it just snowballs. If you don't do something different, this is likely going to start spilling over into other parts of your life, and likely will lead to divorce. Good luck. Also, get some rest and some space - it might help your head clear. Uggghhhh - I would be pissed if my sig other gave out my e-mail to random strangers. Find a PROFESSIONAL.

Answer 6

tell her all this.....see if you can't talk it through and find a way to make it work....tell her how much you love her.....stop being a jerk...get some help if you need to but if you can and want to save your marriage you'd better pull it together...I hope it isn't too late...good luck

Answer 7

Leave her if she doesn't want to work and hangs out on the computer all day then she's no good for you.