Why is my abusive husband so nonchalant about me leaving him?

Question

I am leaving my abusive husband after 13 years. We're 34 . We have a daughter 6, son 4. House is in foreclosure; got upset when I said that I was moving back home with my mom instead of with him to a rented house( he didn't pay even though he could afford it, net pay $980 a week). He'll act a fool regardless, no matter what I do to please him, it's never enough. I get called names, personal items thrown away( threw away clothes and boots that he bought for me), screamed at in my face; spitting, criticized , everything thrown in my face, choked 3 times( several years ago), silent treatment for weeks , sleeps in the basement unless he wants sex; it goes on. Feeling guilty I suggested a legal separation while continuing counseling( didn't work for him, I still go). He said no, he wants it over and done with. He is so nonchalant about this and I care for him & know I'm doing the right thing. He says to find someone else to love & cherish me cause he don't. How to let go?

I keep feeling like he's going to fined someone better than me as he says any woman is better than me. I feel he'll have an easier life and I will have a hard time finding a good man one day in the future because I have 2 kids and I'm not 20 anymore. How do I ge tove this. I feeel like I gave him everything and he'll treat someone else like a queen.

Answer 1

It'll be hard to let go and move on but focusing on your children will help greatly

Answer 2

Wow Eva, I'm so sorry. You are feeling sad because you have children with this man and I'm sure there were parts of the relationship that were good and you've had longevity in the marriage. It's a known, it's 'secure' ...I'm really going out on a limb saying that. You are scared about the unknown and the future. BUT. Girlfriend , you are so making the right decision. You will get past feeling sad and it's okay to feel sad. I left mine (a lifetime ago and I had no children thank god)...and got so scared that I , against the advice of people who helped me escape, went back that same night and he beat the holy hell out of me. Don't wait til it gets to that. The escalation will happen. And you know what? Even if it didn't...No woman shoud have to be 'choked' once in a while. And I know that you know it's best for your kids, too. I can imagine it's hard. It was hard for me ,and to be honest, it wasn't a long relationship. He just almost killed me right after I moved across the country with him. And I spent 6 months trying to figure out what to do. I didn't have any regrets, or love at all. So, I can only imagine how difficult it would be since this man is the father of your children and someone you love(d). You are bound to be torn, but listen to you gut, you know it's the right thing to do. That really will get better. The shelter will help you and your friends/family can help. Just be glad he wants it done & don't even waste your efforts on questioning that. You don't deserve to be treated abusively. There are so many men of worth that would just never even consider hurting a woman like that. Take some time and resettle yourself in your life and take care of your kids. You'll heal. And with any luck, you'll find someone who will treat you as you should be treated. Good luck, sincerely. It's been a long time and this still gets to me when I hear of sisters going through it. You are not alone :-)

Answer 3

Trust me if he abused you it will only be a matter of time and he will also abuse his next wife / girlfriend. If they have a brain they would not put up with it either. Unless he changes his ways dramatically, which l doubt he can, he will grow up a very bitter, lonely old man. He is not being nonchalant, he is just being pig headed. I am sure that perhaps in his own way he does love you even though he says he doesn't but he certainly has a weird way of showing it . As far as letting go, it should be easy for you to leave his abusive ways behind. I'm sure your children would appreciate some peace and quiet after what they must have been through. Poor innocent children, he should be ashamed. You will have no trouble at all finding a man to treat you better than he did. That certainly won't be hard !! So you are not 20 anymore, Big Deal !! You are certainly not old, you are only 34 and 2 children will not make things too difficult for you. There are a lot of good men out there who would be happy to have you and your children. Before you concern yourself with that though you need time to heal from the trauma and stress you have endured with your husband. That will be your biggest hurdle. Don't worry about what he is doing, yes he may treat another women like a queen but as you know that will be very short lived. It will only be a matter of time before she realizes why he was separated / divorced . You must try very hard to stay strong and stand your ground with this man, do not let him walk over you or abuse you any longer. If he is not willing to go to councelling and try to fix his problems then he is not worth another minute of your precious time. You and your children deserve a lot better than he is prepared to give you. You can find love and happiness for yourself and your children, just be patient !! Be strong, l wish you happiness and the best of luck.

Answer 4

Your husband has issues and you are doing the right thing by getting out of the relationship. What you need to concentrate on now is your children and getting your life back on track.

Judging by what you have said your husband no longer cares about you and he thinks that you are doing the right thing. Maybe he is saying it because he doesn't believe that you will go, and maybe he is saying it to hurt you. Either way it has been said and now you need to act on it. I realise that you still love him, but he hasn't treated you right, you have been in an abusive relationship and now you are getting out of it.

Of course you will find someone else and the thing is maybe he will as well, but that is not your concern anymore. The likelihood of him abusing the next woman he meets is likely but the point is you will be out of it.

You have to believe that you deserve and can get better and if you start believing this it will happen. You will find a man that loves you and will look after you and your children, but you don't need him to come along just yet. You need time to take in everything that is happening to you. Point being it might not be the first man that come along or even the second, buy he is out there for you somewhere

Answer 5

Honey... think of this coward you are so in "love" with as the weak and pathetic human that he is. After all he has done to you... he is not worth your time. Youa re doing the right thing... and I have a feeling that there may be a chance he doesn't like who he is when he is around you. That or he thinks you are just bluffing and you will be back.
Take his advice... find someone else to love and cherrish you (but first, you gotta get over the low self esteem you have) and leave that poor excuse of a man to try and find someone else to put up with his crap.
Good luck...

Answer 6

Hi sorry that you're having a hard time cause this was not what you expected when you said your vows.Leaving him will be the best thing for both you and the kids.I admit that they might need a male figure around but one with that callibre would not be a good influence.He has been tramping on your selfesteem for years,why worry about what he does with his future?As long as he pays you allimony for yourself and the kids,move on.He says these things cause he knows it hurts you.Turn a deaf ear.Start living.I think you'll be better off in the longrun.Goodluck...

Answer 7

I think I've already answered this question....you asked a couple a days ago...so how many people need to tell you that you are doing the right thing for you and the kids before you will take action....he has hit you over the head with the fact that he doesn't love or want you or the kids...if he did he wouldn't abuse you and put your life and safety at risk...run don't walk away and don't look back...good luck

Answer 8

Please stop saying those things about yourself. You are still young and he is the loser in this. You DO deserve better and you will find love again. You just have to move on first.
He is an insenitive as*hole if you ask me. He'll be old and alone and you'll be a happier much better person for your children without him. You don't want them growing up thinking everything they are seeing is normal for a marriage, I hope.
You want to be strong for your children and go on with your life.
Give that divorce, ask for alimony and child support, get your own place, go back to school, finish things you couldn't finish being with that mentally and physically abusive a**. Just be strong, keep yourself busy and stay strong for your children in this.
You can do this. My mother did it at 45 and she is getting married at 52.

Answer 9

you know what he is a jerk an obessive and a control freak and I know i was married to one . Let yourself be free and get rid of that moron . It will only get worse . Dont feel guilty about a legal seperation he is the one that caused it why would you feel guilty about that ? let him be the one to feel guilty . Believe me your kids will be just fine better than if you stayed around this jerk .Let him go you dont need him someone will come along who will cherish you and treat you like the wonderfull human being you deserve to be treated as . good luck to you and god bless you and happy holidays.

Answer 10

funny how things happen...we end up with ppl who abuse us and know we shouldnt be there,we end up telling them that we are going to leave if they do not change, but the minute they act like they don't care if we stay or go, we get worried why??? as bad as they treat us it's almost like we have no self respect for ourselves....what do you think you can't do no better? has this man taken all of yourself worth from you? he's telling you to leave b/c he knows you deserve better and he knows in his heart that he is not going to change anytime soon...you have kids for christ sake!!! why do you want them to be exposed to that type of drama! it's unsafe!!! and what you should be thinking about now is the welfare of you and your children... not caring about what he thinks he's an abuser...don't you want better for you and your kids??? yea you love him but you may always feel that way about him...but honey at this point you need to love yourself a lil bit more and do whats best for you and the children, if your afraid of starting from the bottom...well honey thats okay b/c at some point in our life we have to crawl befor we walk...i hope you make the right decision...may god bless you.

Answer 11

You should feel sorry for the next girl. He will treat her the same way. Why? Because he obviously has low self esteem. No man who is a good man and proud of himself would treat the mother of his children this way. He needs Counselling and help for his substance abuse issues. Hate to break it to you. He will propably never change. I guarantee there i s a better man out there for you. BELIEVE ME. Kick him to the curb.