I would very much appreciate responses that include some strengths and some weaknesses that i can improve.
ATHEISM
hairs trace their way
to a meandering mess
of what was once a neck.
her two eyes blank in
disgust -- beguiled -- lost
in the pseudo-image of
a god.
.
she used to be human too.
her hands were the image
of morality; she grazed sin
every now and
so, just to be realistic.
her head bent in prayer
to reach an unrealized
heaven, to be judged
by a presence known
only to her, a mystic force
unseen, unproven.
her demise, seen by
priests and fellow prayers
as a grand scheme of a
grand fellow.
2006-12-10 19:45:48 · 5 answers · asked by Sandy D 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Philosophy
Sally, is obviously an atheist..... Not trying to establish a lable... but as an observation......
What I like about poetry is one need not define an object in order to speak of it.....
Like a leaf shaking from the long limb of its mother in the whistling breath.... Her roots deeply seated in the sands of time......
just give your poetry a more defined human attribute.....
winds breathe..... her arms are limbs..... etc....
and every human characteristic.... give it an inanimate description.....
I say, let the mind question.......
Your sister,
Ginger
2006-12-10 21:43:05 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
work on your metre, try and mitigate some of the abstracts so that more people can understand whats in your head, dont leave so many open ended metaphors because their efficacy is lost when the reader may interpret a thousand different things, of course this is only if you wish to actually convey a message in your writing, if you dont care if anyone understands what you write, then all of the above is useless criticism.
2006-12-11 06:49:37 · answer #2 · answered by metroactus 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm not sure what you are expressing but I like the way you said it are you for or against atheism? in this is she dead facing God or alive hoping for God or alone believing there is not a god
2006-12-11 03:51:45 · answer #3 · answered by RWIZ 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A girl who's under influence of someone(something) that she believes greater than her? Older siblings? Parents? Abusive bfs?
2006-12-11 07:58:54 · answer #4 · answered by who_knows 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Okay. conjures some disturbing images....
2006-12-11 04:47:45 · answer #5 · answered by Voodoid 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋