Lifting the pain
From my soulders
Even if it remains
Beyond Borders
Going back into memories
never expecting this near future
letting go of these insanities
breaking away the passed rapture
a second can change one's life
a person can break one liaison apart
with everything between in strife
a sign of a new day, a new start
the dark sky hunting down the sunlights
down to the center of the earth
no more beam of life in sight
until another bright sky gives birth
the sadness of the sky covers my hapiness
that i once knew when you were near
until she made you flourish your ruthlessness
pushing you in the rear
end of our love and friendship for good
2006-12-10 18:57:52 · 9 answers · asked by hustlerose_a 1 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Philosophy
it sounds pretty good except the last 2 lines it sounds like you are saying "pushing you in the rear end" which I don't believe you meant
maybe you could try another ryme such as dear or fear somehow word it differently
bless you
2006-12-10 19:02:20 · answer #1 · answered by RWIZ 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
the dark sky hunting down the sunlights
down to the center of the earth
no more beam of life in sight
until another bright sky gives birth
I really like this stanza. The extended metaphor here is really powerful. (Only I wonder if "sunlight" would sound a little better than "sunlights." It is more grammatically correct, but of course in poetry you can play around with grammar. )
...
until she made you flourish your ruthlessness
pushing you in the rear
end of our love and friendship for good
The poem sort of breaks down a little bit here. "Pushing you in the rear end of our love" sounds a little juvenile--maybe others will disagree with me. ( Altogether I think your poem is wonderful--I just think this part doesn't keep the tone the rest of the poem had built. I probably wouldn't take the time to criticize this part if I didn't think the rest of it was so good).
2006-12-13 16:29:10 · answer #2 · answered by Ecaria 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
sounds like ur on the death bed and you whole life passes u in a flash...just the last paragraph needs change a bit more dramatic
2006-12-11 03:03:28 · answer #3 · answered by silent night 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is very profound. It is a real poem.
I like the most: "a sign of a new day, a new start" verse
2006-12-11 03:19:33 · answer #4 · answered by alinbs95 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
very dark and beautiful at the same time well done
2006-12-11 06:21:24 · answer #5 · answered by michelle d 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
sounds like a hallmark card
2006-12-11 03:01:22 · answer #6 · answered by Bee 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it belongs to greed not love!
2006-12-11 03:18:41 · answer #7 · answered by bluffylee 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
could use a little work,
2006-12-11 04:24:19 · answer #8 · answered by Stacie 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
very beautiful ,I like .
come on !
2006-12-11 03:13:01 · answer #9 · answered by KfeZ 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋