Hello everyone,I'm Blossom. I'm 27 years old. Is it possible that I turned my ex husband into an abusive man?

Question

My ex-husband and I got married last summer. I think we had only been married 2 weeks the first time that he hit me. He and I were arguing and we said some awful things to each other. I became very angry and told him that I did not love him anymore and that I loved someone else. There was no one else. That was the first time he hit me. I really dont have to go into all the other times. Anyway, I finally left him in May 2006. I really feel like an idiot because I took so long to leave. I left him twice before we got married because he was AWFULLY verbally abusive. For god sake why did I ignore the signs in the beginning!!! He would get angry if men looked at me. He would say things like"I dont like the way men look at you.'' He flipped out when I got a job,so I quit. I tried to do everything so that he would stop being soooo mean. He was not mean all of the time, but when he was it was awful. He told me that if he was with someone else he would not act that way,I believe him.

My ex-husband would always say that it was because of me that he was so crazy and insecure. Now I feel like a real LOSER.
I feel like I have failed in the worst way. I am
afraid to date because of the fear that I might do something to make my mate so angry that he will want to attack me. So now I isolate alot and I cry everyday. It is very,very,difficult for me to function. This realationship really messed me up. I don't feel like myself anymore. I probaaly sound like a real baket case,but I just feel soooo SAD and I don't know what to do.He would always say that if he was with someone else he would treat her good. He has been married before,I don't know if he was mean to her or not. Maybe he wasn't abusive to her at all. Sometimes I think that he just hated me.

Answer 1

You did not turn your ex into an abusive man. He was this way from the beginning. It is all about control. Those who abuse are sick and have a problem. He was controlling you way before you were married. He wanted to control who looked at you, your lifestyle, and even how you behave. You should never have to avoid who you are for someone else. Never feel like an idiot for waiting to leave. It is a hard decision because you want to believe that they are not a bad person. You want them to change. When they are good to you.. you believe that there is that possibility. You quitting you job and avoiding arguments by doing eveything he wanted was his way of controling you. The only reason he said if he was with someone else - he would act that way- is his way of acting like it is your fault because somehow you deserve it or have cause him to act that way. It is obsessive and controlling and you are an awesome person for getting out and being strong. You did not deserve it or cause it-- that should never enter your mind because no one deserves that treatment especially from someone who is suppossed to give you the opposite of that! Just because you love someone doesnt mean that they are good for you. It is best that you left him. Also, a lot of times in the beginning.. simple jealousy comments and overprotectedness can be looked at as caring and loving.. bc it reinforces the belief that person cares about you.. when in reality it is just the beginning of the controlling behavior. It is not your fault.. you are the victim.

Answer 2

HI Blossom!
I seriously believe that you didn't turn him into that kind of person. You can make someone upset or angry, but you can not put that abusive mentality in him. He probably had it in him the whole time and reveal the rest of himself after marriage. Or he probably had some bad relationships before you, the female(s) probably cheated on him and he felt that he wasn't going for that again. Did he ever mention anything about him witnessing a male hitting a woman (ex: dad hitting mom)? Its possible and if he did, he probably thought that's how you should treat a woman if no one taught him the right way. Obviously he feels a need to control. So again Blossom, You did not turn him into an abusive man. Don't blame yourself. I am glad you got a divorce, cuz some women don't. There is no excuse for abuse and absolutely no reason why a person should receive abuse verbally or physically- man or woman. I hope you receive your healing soon and have peace.

Answer 3

Abusers have a knack of making you believe you aren't worth anything, or that everything is your fault. It isn't your fault...no way....it's his !!! I can't emphasize that enough.
This is just his guilt coming out. Abusers never admit they are wrong about anything, so they blame the one closest to them. In this case it's you.
In my opinion when someone hits it means they don't want to communicate. If they did, then he might find out he is wrong.
And that doesn't set well with them.
Basically abusers tear down your self esteem.
It's so hard because part of you still loves the person you fell in love with.

He has the personality traits of someone that would do this to anyone. What's his relationship with his Mother? Is he verbally or physically abusive to her?
Don't you believe for one minute that he wouldn't act that way with someone else, because he most definitely will.
So glad you left, because now you are alive and have a chance live a wonderful life.
You have a chance to learn from this relationship, so you can find the man you are meant to be with.
On to a happy future !!!

Answer 4

I don't think you turned him abusive. He may have underlying issues to where he has anger issues. He may have realized he mad a mistake when you two got married. Everyone says ugly, mean things when they are angry. it is not just cause for ANYONE to hit ANYONE. whether that be female or male. Everyone has a breaking point yours just came later. maybe you thought it would change in time. Now you see that it did not. There are just some people who do not click or mesh well with one another. Just be glad you got out safe and alive. He may be experiencing a fear of losing you when you shouted that you loved someone else. Men have feelings too,it is just some women don't care. Be glad you have separated and just be more cautious of who you choose to marry later inlife.

Answer 5

It is so typical of an abuser to blame the victim as the cause of the abuse.
They never accept responsibility for their actions. It's part of the way they try to keep power over you. Intimidation and eroding your self worth and your belief in yourself to judge a situation. "See what you made me do?!"
It's all a lot of horse poop. Don't bye into it.
People who resort to violence do so out of their need to control and subjugate others, especially between men and women. And they are cowards. Violence is a fear and shame based reaction of an infantile mind.
You did ignore the warning signs but at least now you're out of it.
Don't do that again but put it behind you and move on.
Forget him, he's not worth your time or trouble.
Get thee into a support group and get some counseling lest you should fall into the same trap again. Get the tools you need to recognize the signs of an abuser so you can avoid getting involved with one in the future.

Answer 6

Blossom,
You cannot make a non-abusive man turn abusive no more than you can turn an abusive man into a non-abusive man. You don't have that kind of control. Don't blame yourself because in a sense, you are making excuses for him which is common in all victims, but the healing begins when you place the responsibility where it belongs...on him.

Learn from this experience, grow from it, and break the mold of most victims and don't fall into this kind of relationship again.

God Bless.

Answer 7

Yes strange thing happens when people marry. Terms of endearment is a movie that comes to mind. Some people think that marriage is a form of ownership. From you question it sounds like a bad case of insecurity on his part. Be person not a trophy. It sounds like you are an attractive person, that if out and about would attract the interest of suiters

Answer 8

I really think you should seek some formal counseling. I think that the only way that you would accept abuse is because you felt as if you deserved it. Why else would you have stayed for so long? It is common for physical abuse to start after marriage because the abuser feels safe that their victim wont leave. I think that if you can figure out why you didn't deserve something better, you can break the cycle of violence. My heart goes out to you! Good Luck!

Answer 9

No, don't ever put yourself in that situation...don't blame yourself for his mistakes...he was, is and will remain to be abusive whether you are with him or not...

Take it from me, i've been through physical abuse (not with a husband though) and i know exactly how you feel...i spent years trying to figure out what was it that was wrong with me...until i one day realized that i'm blaming myself for someone else's mistakes....

You have done nothing wrong...nothing and i mean NOTHING, gives him the right to abuse you....

The fact that you are thinking this way indicates that you are a very good person...don't think that you caused anything...and move on with your life...put all your effort and time into making your life better....because you deserve better!

Good Luck to you...

(feel free to email me if you need to talk)

Answer 10

Thank God you left! None of what happened is your fault. Your ex wanted to control you and further degrade you by telling you that you were to blame for his angry outburts and abusive behavior. It is a classic excuse of abusers You are not to blame!!! Please consider getting yourself some therapy or talking to a clergy person about this. Because you are posting this now, you probably have some unresolved emotions regarding this part of your life and would benefit from counseling of some sort. I wish you luck