How do you forgive when you just can't?

Question

I am the baby 10. I have 7 sisters and 2 brothers, we are all pretty close. I was sexually molested by a neighbor when I was 7,8,9, yrs old by a 50 yr old man (Neighbor)
My oldest sister and I had words over something about my mom and in return she threw all my past in my face. She claims I was getting molested out of GREED? (Meaning He was buying me things and I went back to get more stuff from him). SICK!
I was threatened by a gun, and was told he would kill me and my family. I am 36 yrs old and I still live with it everyday. People don't realize how bad this effects the person that was abused. Now that it Christmas time my sister wants to make ammends but how can I forgive such a evil tongue she had with me? I cried for days after she said this to me.
I was robbed of my childhood, I lived in FEAR!
I never told anyone in my family until about 10 years ago. I am still in therapy.. So how do I forgive?? HELP!?

Answer 1

I too was abused by perverts.Then at 17 I was raped. In my own home growing up my oldest brother was terribly abusive. Yet my bros and sisters say he was so kind to them, they cant believe me.
I'm 50 now, not 9, and the perverted dudes are dead or decrepit. For my sake, I have forgiven them.
The rapist, sure I'd like an "I'm sorry" but he's no where to be found on Intellius. Is he living in his own prison, looking over his shoulder? For my own sake, I have forgiven him.
My brother, for my own sake, I have forgiven him, and fortunately I did so before he was killed in a car accident. For my sake.
My bros and sisters, I dont talk about it anymore. There is no support from them. They speak from ignorance (without knowledge) and that is forgivable.
You know that when you forgive, you are not saying it was right or okay, you are not saying that there was a shred of good or truth in what was said or done. You are not even forgiving the person FOR THEM. You forgive for you. For your health, your heart, your nerves. You avoid the high blood pressure, the ulcers, the heart dz. You realize that you and only you know the truth and are comfortable with that. You forgive and live in peace.
The evil tongue? Would you have ever been above saying the same thing to someone? Did she say things you would never have said? If so, you are already the better person. Not to compare yourself, but to know you can be comfortable with yourself that you would never hurt someone that way.
Sis, I am in your shoes all the way around. Even therapy.
Be good to yourself. Forgive. Live in peace with yourself.
Robbed of childhood, yes, in an obvious way. Did you ever spend time with kids? If you can truly enjoy the loveliness of children you can always regain childishness, and fun.
I have no answer about FEAR, for I too live in fear. But the more I give to trust and let the toss of the dice go the way it will, the less I try to control and have more freedom from fear. Much of life is just circumstances we cant control.
Do you remember doing what your parent said to do just because they said so, without you necessarily understanding?
Christ mas. Christ said to forgive. He gave no circumstances of exception. If you are truly celebrating the birth of Christ, I must assume you would, as you would a parent, do as He said, just because. Good luck and God Bless.

Answer 2

I think that if your sister wants to make amends, you should trust that she has your best interests at heart. She may very well realize that she made a HUGE mistake when she said those things to you. Or she might not understand how painful her words were. But either way, she is making an effort to renew your relationship, and I think you should give it a try.

I don't think Christmas is the time to get into a huge discussion about what happened to you as a child, but you do need to talk about it with your sister at some point. I'm sure your therapist can give you some pointers, but I'd recommend staying calm and focused. Don't let her make you angry.

You have to understand that people who have never suffered abuse really DON"T understand. They don't see why you couldn't just say no and walk away.

I know you had no power to walk away and that you DIDN'T ask for the abuse to happen, and deep down, I think your sister realizes that too. But it may be too scary for her to realize that there are such horrible people out there who would hurt a young child... it may just be easier to blame you. Or she could have been speaking purely out of anger and she doesn't really think that at all.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Answer 3

I too was molested as a child...so I UNDERSTAND HOW YOU FEEL!!! I now have a daughter and pray to GOD that she never has such a horrible experience.
I believe the best way to forgive is to know GOD and talk therapy. I started by watching LAKEWOOD CHURCH on tv, then I decided to make it there and I can not express to you how much that is helping me wash away all those horrible feelings that I have delt with for so many years. All the sadness, the hurt, humiliation, anger....EVERY NEGATIVE EFFECT!!! Slowly but surely I am healing with the support of God and all those wonderful positive people that remind us that not everyone in this world is a pervert. For years I held my secret in and once I let it out....it was like a release! I cried and cried for hours as I retold my tragedy, but the more I tell the story the stronger I get. I no longer have as many nightmares nor does it cross my mind on a daily basis. We can not change what occured but we can try to prevent it from happening to other innocent children like us. Become active with our system and the sentencing for these perverts! Your heart will heal knowing that you had a part in preventing some child being molested.
I will pray for you and all those who have experienced what we have and to keep the ones who havent safe.

Answer 4

Wow, I am so sorry that you went through something so horrible. I was sexually abused as well, and I know that the pain and its effects linger, even when you are in therapy.

I don't think that you can "make" yourself forgive someone. I believe this happens on its own time. I can pray to forgive someone. Or if I can't bring myself to do that, I can pray for the willingness to forgive someone. I can accept someone's apology, but this doesn't mean that I have forgiven them, just that I am accepting the fact that they are apologizing.

There is a trap I fall into that makes forgiveness take even longer-- I try and skip past the hurt part and the anger part and just skip to the forgiveness part because it is more socially acceptable and holding onto resentments is supposed to be so bad for you. I end up feeling ashamed and gulity because I am resenting someone! But I do not feel that you can truly forgive someone until you have thoroughly felt and pinpointed how you feel this person has hurt and/or angered you. You feel resentment as long as you feel it. Sometimes I will put out into the universe/my higher power, "Please direct my attention to where you would have it be and give me the power to carry out your will." It is ok to be where you are at.

Answer 5

something that befell over 25 years in the past just about ruined my existence. every time i assumed approximately it, the hatred back. even nevertheless the guy to blame under no circumstances asked for my forgiveness, i eventually did. somebody else in contact did ask and by using that element I had enable pass of the animosity. There are some issues which take place in existence that can under no circumstances be forgiven or forgotten. i'm happy I chosen to no longer enable it harm what years I even have left.

Answer 6

Forgiving your sister will be a far greater gift to yourself than to her. An enourmous source of pain, dealt out to you 25 years ago by an oxygen-thieving germ, was something you had no control over or power to stop but the resentment you have for your sister and the pain and hurt you feel because of HER nasty hurtful words is a source of pain that you DO have control over and DO have the power to stop because by truely forgiving her in your heart you dissolve the source of the pain and hurt and free yourself from the burden of holding onto it.

If they're meant truely and from the heart, the apology and the act of forgiveness, are things that benefit both in the 'offering of' and 'receiving of' but sadly are rarely looked upon that way.

Answer 7

your story touched me and I can't blame you for not forgiving, it is awful and horrendous what happened to you as a child. No child in the world should be put under that.
In answer to your question, just think who you are really mad at. Is it your sister or is it still your neighbour?
you cannot supress your past, unfortunately none of us have the power to; and you can certainly not forget because things like this scar us for a lifetime. But you can choose to close wounds or be in the flesh, scars open.
I know it is hard for you but you are not that scared child anymore, you are a woman now, not just "baby 10". Somehow you have survived a horrendous past, so embrace it and remain calm.

Answer 8

Thats is horrible and something that I wish would never happen. I feel for you, I truly do, and can only imagine how you must feel because Ill never really know. All I can say is that if you really want to forgive her, then look inside yourself and let it go. Know that she also didnt and doesnt know how it feels and how it felt. So she said those hurtful things out of ignorance. If she really wants to make amends, then she must feel horrible for the way she treated you and wants to make it up. I hope everything does go well for you sweetie. ♥♥♥

Answer 9

Forgiveness is a deliberate act. Then it is a deliberate denial: "I distinctly remember forgiving that act." Luther said one cannot help the birds flying over one's head i.e. thoughts coming and going, but we are responsible to keep them from building a nest there.

Answer 10

You don't till you can. If you try to force yourself to forgive you will become frustrated and feel guilty for not being able to do so. Let it ride and in time you may be able to. For this offense don't you ever try to forgive the (*^(&^(*&^ This is so wrong he does not deserve your fogiveness ever! as far as your sister try to make amends but remember don't try to force yourself to forgive. Time may heal this. She may say she is sorry for what she said and that can be the catalis for your forgiveness.