My sister has twin sons, she often props their bottles, rarely changes their clothing, and dresses them down?

Question

Okay...
I have noticed she ALWAYS props their bottles, then when the spit up she calls it "acid reflux", I tried explaining if she doesn't burp them they are going to puke up more then if they were burped. One is in my eyes also way over fed. Hes 4m and eats an 8oz bottle. Wearing 9m old clothing, very round. I suggested she have him seen by a nutritionist.
She also fails to change their clothes... sometimes for 2-3 days in a row. Also tonight she was quick to drop them off (20 degree weather) with out coats, hats. They were in short sleeve onesies with blankets.
How can I get her to see that they are not being taken care of properly? She says I don't know anything about having twins. But I am the mother of 3 children and have custody of all 3, while her daughter is in the custody of her father.
Any suggestions on how to help her is appreciated.

Answer 1

I'm the mother of 11 month old twins. And really, those first 3-4 months were all about basic survival. Two babies is so overwhelming. Dads of twins typically fill the role that a mother of one baby would so if she's doing this by herself I can completely understand what you're describing.

Here's a few thoughts:

1. Get her the book "Double Duty" by Tinglof. It's full of really practical suggestions on how to take care of twins.

2. Find your local Mothers of Twins club and sign her up. (www.nomotc.org) It really helps to learn from other moms in her situation. Plus, advice like "you need to burp the baby" will be easier to take from a mother who has twins. Honestly, I never listened to any of the advice I got from non-twin moms. (Plus, meeting triplet and even quadruplet moms who "survived" made me feel good!) :-)

3. Does she have any help at home? Your local twins club or community group might be able to help. It meant so much to us when we had family stop by to give us a break. I often felt like twins required three adults, not two.

4. Is it possible that she's suffering from post-partum depression? Mothers of twins are at a greater risk for this because the hormone drop is doubled with twins.

5. Be understanding. Instead of telling her what she's doing wrong, ask if there's anything you can do to help. Proping bottles is not the end of the world. Wearing the same outfit two days in a row isn't going to kill them. And unless the doctor thinks the "big guy" is overfed don't worry about it. If you model good parenting skills when you help her out (feed, burp, bathe, change properly) then some of those things are bound to rub off. Or, stop by and offer to help by cooking her dinner or doing a load of laundry so she has time to take care of the babies. The next time they come over improperly dressed mention that you saw hats/coats/etc really cheap at xyz store and did she want you to pick some up. It's really important to build her confidence as a twin mom by being supportive instead of critical.

Sorry for the long reply but my heart goes out to new moms of twins. :-) Good luck with your sister. You're a great person for caring this much about her and your nephews.

Answer 2

It sounds like she really does need someone to talk to. Is she especially close to someone that can offer their opinion without making it sound like a judgment? Propping bottles, not changing clothes for days on end and not dressing her children appropriately for cold weather doesn't make her look like she is a very good mom. I don't say this to be rude or even mean. But those babies need to be thought of first and foremost and if she feels overwhelmed or can't handle it, then someone needs to step in and help ease the burden. Propping bottles can result in a baby choking to death and as far as the other stuff, it's a matter of personal hygiene and avoiding sickness. You have to wonder if she sees it the same way because most moms do. Look at it this way, if someone that is close to her doesn't say something now and your sister doesn't change her ways, then don't you think that God forbid, the state would probably try to step in? There is obviously a reason why her other child is in her father's custody I would imagine. She really needs to watch herself and straighten up before she loses these babies too...I'm going to say something here and I hope you don't take offense to it, but maybe the twins would be better off with someone who could give them a better life and provide them with basic care that is necessary when you are a mom...

Answer 3

As a mother and a childcare provider this is upsetting to me. Kids should come before our own needs and they need to be taken care of the best we can. Twins or not being a mother is a privilege and those privileges can be taken away at any moment from anyone. If social services were to find out about the neglect things could get ugly. As for bottle propping, I know a one month old who died because the provider propped the bottle in the mouth and then he spit up and then asphyxiated on his own vomit. I wouldn't come out and say i am going to call SRS on you or anything that drastic but look up on-line information about abuse and child neglect and on bottle propping, which could result in SIDS and/or Asphyxiation, which then the end result is death. Give her the information or if you don't want to upset her, mail it too her, with no return address she might become more concerned if she doesn't know who is talking about Social Services. I hope you can help those kids.

Answer 4

Personally I disagree with you saying that the one is overfed. My son is 3 months old and eats 8 oz bottles quite often. If he is hungry dont tell her to cut back his food intake! Tell her that if she is always proping the bottles that she isnt getting the bonding time with her kids that she should. That is how kids bond with their parents. I understand that with twins sometimes it can be difficult if they want to eat at the same time. Ask her if there is anyway to get them on different feeding scheuals (sp). About the clothes deal, I have no idea. I dont know how any mother can take their kid out in the cold with no hat or coat. I think that sometimes I over dress my son, cause when I pull him out of the car seat he is sweating.

Answer 5

if you can find as much information @ health clinics doctors surgerys and magazines and show them to her i found it really helped with my sister inlaw. it always helps to have a friend or family member who does all the things that you think she should be doing around taking her baby for a walk, cuddling whilst having a bottle burping the baby, feeding your baby every 4 hours on waking all those things. she will realize how much more caring she will become and most of all form a bond with her children.
you could aslo ring the local family health nurse and to come around and ask questions check the children, these people are thier to help.

Answer 6

Always do what is best for the kids. I suppose the size of the clothes don't matter but if they are spitting up and not being changed for days...sounds like your sister needs some help, maybe she can join a mommie and me club or a church.

Answer 7

Its always hard to find fault in relatives. Maybe she's just overwhelmed. If the load is not to much maybe your family can lend a helping hand and help her to avoid losing her twins also. Offer help first with action and if she doesn't change then take the next step. The babies are helpless and should not suffer.

Answer 8

You know in your heart these kids are being seriously neglected! A quick call to social services is in order. It sounds mean, but what if she hurts or kills those babies, could you live with yourself if you stood by and did nothing? These babies need to be taken away and put either with someone in the family willing to care for them while your sister screws her head on straight, or put into foster care. I hope things work out for you and these babies!

Answer 9

Try and have a talk with her... Let her know you're only trying to help, and that you want what's best. If she is a single mom maybe offer to help her out with the kids, set a good example so she can see what she needs to do.

Answer 10

post partnum depression? get her help now.. and make sure the father knows this as well. if still she refuses.. do the right thing and call protective services to pay a visit.