14 year old daughter outsmarted herself and is upset....advice please?

Question

She has a habit of breaking curfews and not calling when she is running late. Last weekend, she came home over an hour late, no call. I told her she was grounded for a month, no phone, internet or TV. She cried and begged us for anything else saying how one of friends gets never gets grounded but still gets spanked, hinting that was more fair. We told her she is too old for that, but then she started mouthing off so her mom spanked her! It was no big deal, probably a little more than a dozen smacks with a wooden spoon over her jeans, in private. She then thought she was off the hook, but I told she is still grounded two weeks so she announced she would stop speaking to us

She then writes us a long letter saying how embarrassed she was by the spanking, asking us to promise to never ever do that to her again and then saying we lied to her by giving her both punishments. All I want her to do is just respect her curfew and be safe!.. .without the drama. She got what she deserved, right?

BTW, I am the Dad.

The grounding was reduced from 4 weeks to 2 due to the spanking, seemed like a great deal to me.

Answer 1

Umm...yea spanking is embarrassing!!! that's why it works...sounds like someone has been spoiled I know at 14 I didn't have a curfew because my parents were the ones taking me around to places.There is a reason that you can't have a license until your 16 because at 14 she obviously isn't old enough to handle the responsibility of going out! So... she shouldn't be allowed to. If you don't stick to your punishment and keep giving in you will never get what you want, if she knows you'll cave she'll keep walking all over you...sounds like someone needs a reality check...maybe you should have her go to walmart and look at all the missing kids...teenagers and even adults...hell sit her down and have her watch forensic files or something. It's scary what can happen and young people especially these days think they are invincible explain to her why those curfews are in place and give her a bottom line...."If you can't respect the curfew, I can't respect you enough to treat you as a young lady by letting you go out!" then stick to it...IT DOES WORK!!!

Answer 2

I can see why she'd be upset. And I can understand why you grounded her. However maybe she is unaware of the real reason she has a curfew (ie. that you want to keep her safe, and that you absolutely care about her)

Unfortunately punishing a teenager for staying out later only makes them a little more rebelious.

Instead of enforcing a curfew, maybe say "Okay, you can stay out later, but you have to let us know when you're going to be home, and definitely have to call if you're going to be late. " And let her know WHY you want the phone call and approximate time you're going to be home. (unless she already has a really late curfew like mignight or something)

If you don't want to do this during the week, then try allowing it only on the weekends, and if she's responsible with it, then maybe add more days...

It lets her know that you trust her judgement, and trust is a really big thing to a teenager.

At this point she may feel that you don't trust her at all, and that may be the reason that she's pushing the rules a little bit.
Keep the lines of communication open. make sure you're open and honest about things, and hopefully she'll be more likely to talk to you.

hope this helps a little

Answer 3

I was an extremely rebellious teen. Always at logger heads with my parents about similar things.

For a start, if she wrote a letter, take it seriously. I did this to my mum once, cos I was really upset and wanted to word it without it turning into a blazing row.

You're right - she IS to blame and you are probably at your wits end, but try to understand it is NOT that simple from her veiw point. I was the same way.

I did exactly the same things as her, and I can tell you what will work.
Sit down with her, COMPLETELY treat her like an adult (i KNOW you may think she doesnt deserve it with the way shes been acting but believe me this WILL work). Outline it as if it was a business meeting - no blaming, no insults, no threats, no nothing. Bargain with her. Say
"Right, none of us want to argue, so lets try and come to an aggrement that works well for both of us. We would like for you to come in at your curfew time. We will see no reason to punish you or give arguments if you do this."
Then listen to HER veiw (without critising it). It may be that she wants an extra half an hour or something onto her curfew time. If she suggests it politely, ask her why, and then if its okay, grant her it. Keep it all business like, and adult like.

Make it an arrangement between the two of you for what works best. That way she feels SHE had a say in the matter, she helped to arrange it, and she will be less likely to rebel against it.

If she then does not stick to what you arranged WITH her, and you both agreed upon THEN you have something solid to come up against her with - she is soley in the wrong there, and you gave her a chance to make it a democracy.

I know it sounds over the top, but believe me, she just wants to be treated like an adult. And you will hit alot less problems if you come to an arrangement/compromise with her, rather then trying to inforce somethign that doesnt fit in with her life. Yes, curfew is good, you need to protect her. But give her some say in the time.

Answer 4

I'm not sure if 14 is an old enough age to start staying out or going out but, to each his own. You would be right to me in demanding a respectful time to be home. And you are right in demanding her to call should something arise that would keep her from getting home on time. Remember, It's your house, your rule and you are the strong force that she looks to in times of need. Although she may not tell you that very often. As a father of three girls, I'm use to the rebellious nature of curfews and how it makes them seem like children to have rules to follow. Maybe a visit to the local police station and allow her to view the faces in the pictures of all those young children that have disappeared. Sadly, enforcing your concerns about her safety doesn't always do any good. You have to remember, when we were her age, nothing bad was ever going to happen to us either. My philosiphy is, when our kids were babies, Mom and Dad were tops, by the time they get to the 3rd or 4th grade, you're their heros, but when they become teenagers, alot of times you become the most outdated non-understanding, dumbest and unfair parent in the world. And then you find out that your the only parent like this in the world.( I'm saying this with humor) What ever you decide to do, be consistent and firm because believe it or not, they will notice every weakness, all of your unstablenss, all of your wishy woshy decision making abilities and may even label you as weak. But look forward to the day when they grow older and more mature and come back to you and thank you for being a caring and strong person in their lives. Good luck with your family

Answer 5

What are you doing spanking her?! What is she going to think when a boyfriend might hit her, that it was a worse a punishment than he leaving her! Stop hitting your kids.

Do not say anything to her. Instead tell her that when she becomes more mature she will have her curfew extended, but the little performance she put on recently didnt display maturity. Tell her until she can constantly show her maturity, the curfew will stay as it is... and she cant go out for the 2 weeks.

If you let her off the 2 week grounding you will have absolutely no control. She will know all she has to do is try and guilt trip you, and she is off the hook. Still to your guns this time, but next time dont spank her.

Answer 6

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Answer 7

well I think she does not need spankings but I think a week is a good grounding( I am in my 20's and mom of one.) I think that you need to draw up an agreement that if she is over 10 min late and does not call she is grounded for 2 weeks no questions asked. that worked for me and my mom when I was wrong. I think that you need to put a stop to being late all together and if she is do what I said above. I think something that is discussed in advance than that is a diff. story but 1 x a month being late is all that should happen. Take control that is why she is doing this.

Answer 8

I guess she was expecting the grounding to be dropped in lieu of the spanking.

I think you should apologize for the spanking, explain things got out of hand, etc., agree that it won't happen again/isn't appropriate...and stick by your decision re: the grounding and the curfew so she'll know you mean business.

It's important that she adhere to these rules and if you let her slide on this, there'll be a lot of other "boundary testing" she'll do.

Have her understand how much you love her, that you want her to be safe, that it's your job/responsibility to ensure that she remains safe and learns good values, and that will not be changing. That she needs to get used to it and if she wants more independence she has to show she's responsible enough to handle it...including coming home on time.

Answer 9

She should have got both the 4weeks grounding for breaking curfew and the spanking for the mouthing off. At 14 I didn't even get curfew I had to come home at whatever time my mama told me to and it changed everyday.

Answer 10

Well she need some discipline some how. I would also have told her how concern about her well being if does not call if being late and breaking curfews due to so many killers, rapist, drug pushers, or some trouble maker out there could harm her with out warning and want to know where she is so any happens to her, would know where to start looking for her just in case. Tell her you would rather have her alive than harmed or dead.