6 O clock
In the ******* afternoon
Your mouth is so slack and that's fact
The pill caspule is done the night before in a flash
Every night we find you in the bathroom bath tub
Your heart is in the right line we gotta mend you up
Black raven hair that tangled mess
You almost look your best
Empty bottles that follow you to bed
Well baby I have to check that pluse I hope it's not flase
16 going on exntict
We left home and roam
The apartment is rather dim and grim
We like it like this
We live it day by day
And we pick up the dimes that we find on the street
So that mouth is slack and wide
Pills to fill
Black raven hair slightly what a mess
2006-12-10 05:49:41 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous in Beauty & Style ➔ Other - Beauty & Style
o btw I just noticed I made some spelling errors .I have posted a great deal of my poems on yahoo and have gotten many replys I hoping this one will.
2006-12-10 05:51:01 · update #1
Yeah I'm looking for feedback :) thanks for the replys!
2006-12-10 05:54:56 · update #2
its not bad but its a bit depressing
i dont like the beginning. i like the lines
Black raven hair that tangled mess
You almost look your best, and
16 going on exntict
2006-12-10 05:52:44 · answer #1 · answered by monkeynuts 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
You know, there are several sites that are specifically for writers to post their work and get feedback on it. The one that I recommend is Forward Motion at http://www.fmwriters.com --they have critique boards specifically for poetry, and they'll probably be better suited to your needs than Yahoo! Answers is. They do generally ask that you return critiques when you get them, too, which can be a great way for you to check out what works for other people.
I do love "16 going on extinct," though I'm not sure about the rhyme scheme in the two lines that follow it. Home/roam and dim/grim seem to be a little forced to me.
2006-12-10 06:03:24 · answer #2 · answered by Akuseru 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Um, cheesy, now as quickly as upon a time there replaced right into a guy who had this canines, ideal, and he enjoyed that canines, by using the way the guy replaced into Sam's son, anywho, the canines have been given posessed by using devil yet devil is a sturdy LIAR and he confident the guy i think of his call replaced into Dab=vid Berkowitz, not sure, any way the canines stated, "Dude, i'm GOD!!! i think of you ought to kill a buch of folk, ok? you would be able to desire to because of the fact i'm GOD and you like GOD ideal??" So in the experience that your canines starts off any of that stuff in simple terms provide him Beaverbrook and take hik for a wlk and that gets the demons out whilst he lifts his leg the demonic stress will flow out into the timber and pass back to helll contained in the direction of the floor.And in case you consult with the rea; God, say hi, tell him I;m sorry approximately that element all those years in the past and that i'm attempting to make up for it. Ask if he will considerlistening to me back, i visit perhaps say some style of prayer even though it incredibly is been an prolonged time and it incredibly is awkward. happy belated. If i replaced into there i might make a cake that looked like a puddingstone. Wow i might try this besides, culinary creativity is inspired!
2016-10-05 03:19:45 · answer #3 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's a pretty good poem. I should post some on here and see what people think of mine... My poems are also depressing. (I'm not goth or emo either... just a depressed human being whose only way of expressing myself is through writing!)
2006-12-10 06:04:30 · answer #4 · answered by ICan'tThinkOfAGoodName 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A few errors but all in all you have the potential of becoming a great writer. Keep working on your poetry, but don't let it consume you.
2006-12-10 05:59:00 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
well.,.. as someone else said, it sounds emo. im not into emo, but for the most part its pretty good.
as far as poems go i like them to be more happy than this, but thats ok becuz we have different personalities.
uve got talent.
2006-12-10 06:00:36 · answer #6 · answered by HANNAH S 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
this is one of the gr8est poems ever
i rate this 1000/1000 great poem man loved it
2006-12-10 05:52:34 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Sounds EMO to me... Ergo, it sucks. Sorry!
2006-12-10 05:51:48 · answer #8 · answered by I hate friggin' crybabies 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Wow...that's heavy...but very original, I liked it!
2006-12-10 05:51:55 · answer #9 · answered by Sara mary jane 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
what was the question? just looking for feedback?
2006-12-10 05:51:37 · answer #10 · answered by HansonFan 6 · 0⤊ 3⤋