I'm lost. Can someone advise?

Question

I left my ex-husband 1.5 years ago and had my divorce Apr this year. Everybody told me that my ex is a bastard, but I just couldn't believe that. He visited prostitutes/has mistress, also passed desease to me; while I was already suffering from depression, panic, cyst, etc. He refused to divorce so that we can keep the house, but agree we live our own life. 1.5 years ago I met my current boyfriend (an old classmate). I suffered from serious brokedown then. With his helps and encouragement from all other people (incldg doctors), I left my ex, back to my homecountry, then divorced. But being with my BF, I keep looking back - my ex, the place I stayed and my job. Sometimes I even accused my BF for breaking us up, although I know that it is not true. It seem VERY hard for me to start my new life here.I feel this is not my place/my home, I keep wanting to go back-my "old place" and life style. But being here, my health has improved tremendously. How to know what exactly I want?

I feel so thankful and touched with everybody's answer. I'm in my early 30s. I forgave my ex again and again - think for his benefits in EVERY aspect. With him for 10 years. Helped him a lot...also financially for him to upgrade himself/built up the home. He betrayed me when he became successful in his career & get high pay. I just wanted to kill myself when I knew that (thru the desease). I was in a horrible state when I left him. I couldn't live alone/normal anymore. In tears & fears everyday. My BF is my guardian since then. I'm so much better that I could even drive alone now. I wanted to go back because of the difficulties & frustation here to fight for a living...but my BF has been standing STRONG & FIRM to go on. The first few times, I broke down in fear terribly when I had to go back. Much better now. Will not want to go back to my ex. Want to leave here because so scared this will be another failure...cannot trust my BF. Yes,had post traumatic-childhood. I'm in my early 30s

Answer 1

Honest answer: Sometimes we need to decide to take in our life,tough decisions.You are in this situation right now.Tough situations need tough solutions.It is better for you never come back together with a man who transmitted you STD.Today you are lucky if you do not have HIV,next time maybe you will not have the same luck.You need to start a new life,you do not need to come back or living in the past.Move on.If you come back to your "old place",please do not come back with that bad man.If you come back with him,you will be trap in a nightmare again;and then you will not have a way out.God gave you one chance to get out of that terrible situation.Sometimes in our life,we do not have many chances to fix well our life;sometimes we have only one chance.Do not do something you will regret all your life.Thousands of people around the world have the same problem you have.Some of them started a new life;others are right now trapped in a worst situation,without way out.Think well,relax,calm down,do not make the same mistake twice again in your life.God have already a good future,and a good man for you.Do not waste your time living in the past time.Do not stuck in the past time.You have a good future.It is a tough moment in your life,but you will be okay,if you take very wise decisions.God bless you every day in your life,and help you to take the right decision in your life.

Answer 2

i had the same problem several years ago. I too was with a "bastard". No matter what he did to me I stayed.Now I realize it was because I was to scared of the unknown. I knew what he was like. There was nothing he did to me that was a surprise. I wanted something different ,better. But I could not get myself to leave.I finally did but it took a really bad thing to happen for me to do it. And now I live with that everyday.He hit me while I was pregnant And I had to deliver a dead baby.Now I can't imagine how I could be that weak. You are stronger than you think. The only reason you keep wanting to go back is because it is what is known. Fear of the unknown will only keep you frozen in a horrible state and keep you emotionally crippled. There is something better waiting for you all you have to do is muster up all your courage and go get it.As hard as it is don't look back. Even if you have to put a post it on the fridge that says "the past is my past I need to look into my future " do it.You deserve better than your ex could ever give you. Now you are free to get the great life you deserve. GOOD LUCK AND REMEMBER YOU ARE WORTHY OF A GREAT LIFE. AND I HOPE YOU GET IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 3

Sometimes you dont always get what you want. One would always strive for the perfect life. Sometimes you regret things that has happened, but that's the only way it will go. It's too late to change anything. Even if you could, would it be the same?

I've think you answered your own question. Your health improved. Isn't that the most important thing? Everything else, can be easily replaced and easily renewed, not your health and being. Everything in life is based on sacrifice. In order to gain something you would have to lose something else, that maybe you've held dearly.

My mom is divorced, as well. My dad was, you could say... abusive to us. My mom finally couldn't take it any longer and separated from him. It is really hard to stand back up, but she did it. She's working, being happy and is able to do anything on her own will.

As for myself, I was in a relationship in which my heart was sincerely broken. My ex cheated on me. After of which he told me he never liked me and only stayed with me, to make me happy. When I confronted him of cheating on me in front of that girl he told me that we were never together and we did NOTHING with each other. His girlfriend said that I'm lying because I like him and he doesn't like me. I was depressed. To the point in which I was dismissed from the college I've transferred to. I went back to my old college and now doing great. I, sometimes still think of this situation (like now) but it was a test that proves to me that I am strong and can stand back up. I'm aiming for my BS in Biology and a minor in Chemistry. Graduating Spring of '08, hopefully. I have great friends who are always there for me. Finally, I found a great boyfriend, who actually cares and loves me for who I am.

If there's a will, there's a way.

Keep it up! Old things go, new things come.

Answer 4

You have already answered your own question. Leave the past where it is and move on, try doing this alone without any boyfriend so you can get a grip on your own feelings. By the way your ex sounds like a real piece of really bad artwork.

Answer 5

why would you want to go back to such a horrible man and situation...you are lucky that you survived the ordeal....your bf deserves more from you then the way you have been treating him....get yourself some counseling and figure out how to move on with your life...you cannot go back so put that out of your head. Your health is the most important thing ....your husband put you at risk in so many ways...take care of yourself and stop looking back..there is nothing there for you...your future and your happiness is ahead of you and hang onto that bf..he's the one who has shown you love.....good luck

Answer 6

It sounds like you know the answer but are afraid you are wrong. You know what is best for you, and you know that your ex is not it. If you are unhappy WHERE you are, you can go back to the town you had your old life, as long as you don't allow yourself to go back to him.

Nobody says you have to go back to your home country to get away from him. Ex-es coexist in the same town all the time. You may run across him at the market, but so what. You don't have to deal with him.

Maybe your current unhappyness has something to do with missing your old town.

Answer 7

sometimes we don't see clearly, we refuse to admit how bad it was. sometimes i miss my old home and my job, and things i left there. sometimes i even miss my ex, but i don't miss how i was treated, your boyfriend has done nothing but help u through this, he is in no way responsible for your breakup with your husband, your husband was to blame, by his choices. u were not to blame that u had to leave your home, your husband was. so why would u want to go back and suffer more at the hands of this monster? we aren't suppose to look back once we have moved on. u miss what u wanted your marriage to be, and might have been, had it not been for your husbands choices. stay with the man who loves u.

Answer 8

You miss the security of the old life. As crappy as it was, its all you know. Once you make some friends and try to forget about it, you'll start to realize that this new life is probably for the better. You have to let go of the past and look toward the future.

Answer 9

Sounds to me you have post-tramatic stress. When a person has PTS, they tend to overreact to seemingly small problems. This is because they are in "survival mode." All systems are on alert. Your mind will attack even the smallest problems-ie, doubts, worries, nuances,- as if they are major ordeals. This causes you to lose perspective. That's why It's best not to make any big decisions while you're experiencing this. Take some time, deep breaths, and remind yourself: "No problem is as large as it seems."

Answer 10

I know what you "want". Like so many other women (not all of course,) you "want" to be mistreated, manhandled and abused. You may have self-esteem issues and maybe you feel that you don't deserve to be happy. Maybe you are addicted to the adrenaline rush of dealing with abuse.

You have a nice man who cares about you and wouldn't hurt you. Yet you're trying your best to screw it up for yourself and for him in favor of a man who hurt you in 6 different ways.

If you're going back to the jerk, do it soon. Then Never Ever EVER approach the nice guy again. Its not fair to keep the right one hanging while you satisfy your abuse fantasies.