Old and young
So she was young, and he was old
His hair was grey, his manner cold
They walked along a quiet lane
True love you dare not constrain
But once upon a sunny day
They left that path... they went astray
They travelled where you haven't been
They loved it what you're not to ween
He called her Schatzi or like this,
Her freedom was his grief, her bliss
Since I'm so wise, I'll say again
True love you dare not constrain
2006-12-10 05:12:36 · 19 answers · asked by Miami 2 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Books & Authors
I can't be offended by criticism, because it helps ;)
2006-12-10 05:25:38 · update #1
Overall, I think it's rather good. The line "they loved it what you're not to ween" is a bit iffy, but, all in all, pretty good. It's pacy, not so long that you get bored, and has some striking wording, which keeps the reader interested. The meaning of the poem is vaguely unclear, though I think I get the gist (something to do with a young girl falling in love with an older man?). Keep it up.
2006-12-10 05:26:30 · answer #1 · answered by Zantha 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
They left that path... they went astray is a little redundant. The last paragraph is a little confusing, the third line needs a couple of these ". Since it is the man speaking you need to use quotation marks.
Overall I think it is pretty nice.
2006-12-10 05:27:40 · answer #2 · answered by kukuroo2003 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
generally i'd desire to skim something like this and say "i don't get it" pondering the actuality that it verges previous what my 20% examining comprehension fee can interpret, although something in it captivated me (it wasn't the widespread 2 lines which i found slightly susceptible.) I study and that i used to be reminded of myself sitting on the Boston Esplanade on a chilly October evening time attempting to ascertain how plenty alcohol would desire to freeze me to death interior the evening time. Drunken math isn't one in all my physically powerful components with out doubt. although I and death are much less *er-* "intimate" we do have an incredible style of fellow centred visitor ultimate, and that i gained a kick out of the line collectively as death says "I choose greater." additionally the shift from death because of the fact the reader to death as "he" jogged my reminiscence of Tolstoy. This was a superb poem and robust worth examining 2 situations out loud. Oh and be careful for those fortunate charms, why do you believe leprechauns opt for shillelaghs (working sticks)? those yellow moons and green clover are homicide on the suggestions-set of incredibly guy or woman.
2016-10-05 03:16:49 · answer #3 · answered by lyon 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think the rhyme scheme is a bit strained. Try writing it without the rhyme, to better illustrate the concepts you have put forth.
2006-12-10 06:46:06 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your poem flows nicely and contains vivid wording, but the meaning is lost on me. The poem doesn't make sense. Sorry!
2006-12-10 05:16:28 · answer #5 · answered by peachy78 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i think the line "true love you dare not constrain" should either be 1 syllable longer or 1 syllable shorter. also, maybe it's just me but what does "they loved it what you're not to ween (sic)" mean?
2006-12-10 05:21:31 · answer #6 · answered by alia_vahed 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Poetry is like art - and beauty - the person who wrote it is expressing their view point -
2006-12-10 05:17:29 · answer #7 · answered by Bernadette C 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hmm...it's a nice little poem you have there, but poems does not usually involve "you" from "you're not to ween"
2006-12-10 05:16:31 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
oh em gee! thats amazing! you should right a poetry book!! i lovee the words you use! your truly an amazing writer!
2006-12-10 05:15:21 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
typical..read some poets ...then you can judge for yourself..i am sure no one really wants to hurt your feelings.
2006-12-10 05:19:40 · answer #10 · answered by Cheryl E 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋