I don't want a divorce. I love him. He and I were both married before. He for 16 years, and I for 18 years. We each have four children. We get upset at each other for silly things. Don't we all? But...he has eluded to a divorce several times (in a 5 month period), and this morning he actually said, as he walked out the door, "I want a divorce." Although I don't want this, he refuses to talk about it or go to a counselor. My only solution is to accept it. Our house is solely his, he made sure of that right away. I only own a car (which has a monthly payment, so I don't really own it). I am afraid that I can't support myself and my daughters. I am so distraught right now, that I don't even know the first step. Do I go look for a place to live or what? Is there a list of steps to follow for people who can't even think straight? Also, if you are a Christian, please pray for us. Please help me. Thank you.
2006-12-10 03:26:55 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I have a job, but I don't make much money. I could get a second job, but that would mean leaving my 12-yr-old daughter alone for an excessive amount of time.
2006-12-10 04:31:57 · update #1
Well I don't know what you should do but I can tell you what I would do in this situation. I would try to fight like hell for him. If you don't want the divorce then show him that you don't. Keep trying to talk to him and keep praying. I am sure that you are both hurt and have your own issues since you are both divorced and were married to other people for a long time. I would just keep pursuing him until you know in your heart that he really is serious and doesn't want to be with you anymore. Don't give up so easily.
2006-12-10 03:30:56 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Do you trust him to look after both your interests, and not just his? In other words, do you think he's emptied out the bank accounts or anything? That would be the first thing I'd check. Get online or on the phone and verify the balances on your accounts. It may be difficult on a Sunday, but try. If you can't get through to do that, then be very wary, because he might've chosen to tell you on a Sunday morning because the maximum amount of time would pass before you could check on the money.
All right, so you've checked on the money and either it's okay or you aren't able to check. If you can't check, you'll do it tomorrow morning, so proceed as though everything's okay, just for today. Be very businesslike and composed when he gets home. Make a light, simple meal. Hide the alcohol if that can become a problem, otherwise maybe each take a glass or two of wine (no more, your heads need to be clear). Ask him how he envisioned the divorce going down. Mediation? Litigation with 2 lawyers? If he's mellow and sorrowful and wants to mediate, I think you should agree to it, at least until you learn something dishonest has taken place (if you learn it). You would check documents with your own lawyer, but a regular litigated divorce costs tens of thousands of dollars and it's awful.
Ask if he would agree to try therapy to save the marriage. If he says no, ask if he might try it to help you both learn what went wrong, and increase the odds of treating each other decently in the divorce. Maybe he'd agree to that. If he agrees to joint therapy to save the marriage, great, then agree to revisit the divorce issue in 6 months (or some figure you decide on) and get busy finding someone and getting at least weekly appointments. If he agrees to the other or nothing, find your own therapist. You're going to need some support.
Somewhere in the midst of all this you may want to know or you may find out if there's someone else. I don't know what to do about that, because I don't really have any experience there. But even if there is, it doesn't mean you have no power.
If you check the accounts and learn he's emptied them, it has already gotten ugly and you will need a lawyer. Mediation might work, but is a lot less likely.
Either way, you should call a lawyer for an initial consultation on Monday for that week. It will run about $200-300 or so, take an hour and a half. Get a recommendation from someone who you know, who either liked their lawyer, or maybe whose ex had a good lawyer. The lawyer will ask for a large retainer to take your case, but s/he can give you very, very good advice just during that initial consultation. Don't wait.
The only reason I might not consult a lawyer immediately would be if (1) he agreed to counseling to try to save the marriage, and (2) all money and assets were still firmly in place. EVEN THEN, seeing a lawyer isn't a bad idea.
You know, this is a very young marriage. It's unusual for older people to divorce so quickly. Be careful.
I guess as a person who is not strictly Christian you wouldn't want me to pray for you. There has been prayer research that shows that all prayer helps. If I were in your shoes I wouldn't want to exclude any possible assistance.
I hope you and your husband make it, and if you don't, that you hurt each other as little as possible.
2006-12-10 11:48:56 · answer #2 · answered by Singinganddancing 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
First, don't panic about how you are going to support the children or any financial aspects......get this thing figured out and quick! I did not read anywhere in your post that you loved this man, do you? If you do love him, you will have to let go of any pride you have in you and lay it all out on the table to let him know how much you do want him in your life. Stop the tit for tat, no matter how bad you want to speak and prove your point, don't. If you are not participating in this charade then there can be no game. This is about communication, not who will win the arguement. Secondly, let him know that you will do whatever it takes to make this work. He needs to know that he is a priority with you. Go away for a long weekend just the two of you. You make the arrangements and put him first. I am not saying pretend your children don't exist but right now he must be a priority.
I am telling you this because I made the biggest mistake of my life when I was in your shoes. I was only married for 7 months, when I divorced and regret never letting my guard down. I was not willing to do all that it took because of my pride. He tried but I always put him last and eventually he gave up. I always thought he would be there and didn't give the marriage what it deserved. I also had two children from a previous marriage, just like you. He was one of a kind and I will probably never meet a man like him ever again in my lifetime. Please do all you can to make this work.....Good Luck
2006-12-10 12:04:57 · answer #3 · answered by stacey h 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Normally I'd tell you to seek counseling, but if he won't do it, you don't really have a lot of choice in the matter.
Go talk to a lawyer and find out what your options are. It may be that even though the house is in his name, you may have a claim to it, or at least to some kind of support payments. It seems like you are a stay-at-home Mom, whereas if you'd been single you'd have gotten a job, so in a sense he owes you for lost income and should support you as you get on your feet again.
A lawyer will be able to discuss specifics, and will also have a checklist of things for you to do - it may include talking to the bank before he drains your account dry, if he hasn't already.
Good luck in this most painful experience. I will indeed pray for you.
2006-12-10 11:33:56 · answer #4 · answered by Dilettante 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I prayed for you hon! God Bless. I hope you two do not get a divorce its hard on young children and its a terrible process for the parents to go through. Talk to your husband about keeping the marriage together. No one said marriage would be a walk down easy street there will be ups downs, good and bad times those are all apart of marriage and he needs to realize that. You pray too you and your children I will keep you in my prayers! Be strong and keep your head up. Divorce should not be an option. A family that prays together stays together
2006-12-10 11:48:28 · answer #5 · answered by . 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I am going through the same thing right now, so I really don't know what to tell you. I just want you to know that you are not alone.
My wife of nearly 13 years informed me just before Thanksgiving that she wants a divorce after the Holidays.
I don't want a divorce either, but I have mixed feelings about it. I won't go into details - the question is about you - not me, but I think I might finally be happy if we go ahead and just get it over with.
I will pray for you.
2006-12-10 12:23:27 · answer #6 · answered by bystander1212 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
How horrible! I'm so sorry! I will pray for you. I don't think he was planning on making this work from the beginning, if so he wouldn't be able to cut his feelings off so quickly and he wouldn't keep bringing up divorce. It's not you, it's him. He's damaged goods from his last divorce and I think you're lucky that you're finding this out now before you end up with a lot more wasted years. I really hope everything works out for you and you're children.
2006-12-10 11:35:49 · answer #7 · answered by Ray 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You are going to sit down with him and make arrangments for you and your children. Im sure when you both get lawyers they will help you through everything you need to do and know. Im not really sure because i never took that step to get married...and this being the reason. If he wants a divorce hes going to need to sit down with you and have a discussion. He cant just expect things to happen by themselves. And i will pray for you,,,but you will see after you get through everything,,,that you dont need a man to make you happy or support you,,,you can do it on your own,,,even if you need 3 jobs to support yourself. And im sorry you have to go through this.
2006-12-10 11:34:48 · answer #8 · answered by michelle 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The next time he says he wants a divorce, tell him you want alimony... lots of alimony! Get yourself an attorney--start with free legal advice--and find out what your options really are. The bottom line is that he doesn't sound like the right man for you, and you will be better off without him.
2006-12-10 11:33:49 · answer #9 · answered by AnnieD 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Go see an attorney
How old are your daughters that you need to take care of them?
Don't tell me you were married for 18 years, got divorced, and jumped right into another marriage!!!!
2006-12-10 11:31:09 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋