Would you be interested in reading a story beginning like this?

Question

This is a Cinderella story, of sorts. A story of a girl who has to lose everything, to gain something. A story of a girl who lost herself to gain an identity. A story of a girl born into a family that could not recognize her worth, but helped her to recognize her own value. This is the story of Maki Goto… Maki was born into a family, of very little means. Maki’s father and mother ran a small farm. I mean it could barely be considered a farm. It held a twelve by twelve patch of land where they grew vegetables, a very thin cow, (who resembled an orange with all the juice squished out), it was a wonder that she was able to give milk at all, and the last, of what was a family, of five hogs. Times were hard and hogs were food. When the female hog died of some unknown, but disgusting illness, that put an end to their hog supply. Unable to afford to buy another female the stock dwindled to ONE(It is funny how the worth of a female hog is implied, but a girl's must be supplied)...

Answer 1

nice!! yes i would read it

Answer 2

I don't know. You spend the first sentences emphasizing the fact that the story will be about a girl and then you lose yourself in the barnyard. You spend one sentence describing Maki Goto and the remainder of the paragraph off subject. If you want to focus your story on this girl, focus it on the girl first and foremost. Build her as your foundation, then throw in the setting; otherwise, delete your first sentences.
I also suggest identifying who and how much your narrator knows. Your start implies that the narrator is in control of the narrative, but by using "I mean", "it was a wonder", "some unknown disease" you are contradicting this fine beginning and writing like an amateur.
If I were you, I would keep the first section, through "This is the story of Maki Goto" and then delete the rest. Then I would give my readers a description of my protagonist and move by definitive and controlled steps to the minor characters and her setting.

Answer 3

Too many commas. Instead of quotes in apostrophes, they are supposed to be in "____" (text goes in the underscores). It isn't "remembered", it is "remember". There are several spelling errors as well. So to answer your question, no, I would not continue on. I would assume you are 13 or 12. If you are older, you would be about my age or older, which would be very disappointing if you had those errors in quality and quantity. If you need me to send you a version of this scene that is fixed so that there are no errors, just message me through my profile. I may have to send several messages since each message only holds 1000 characters.

Answer 4

I would be willing to read it if it was short, but I don't generally like this kind of genre. It doesn't flow very well, so compounding some sentences would help. Also, the hook sentence is just a tad long.

Answer 5

So far, so good.
Keep working it.
That last sentence bothers me. You need another word for supplied - I know it rhymes with implies, but it's just not the right word.

Answer 6

I would. I like the intro and the storyline loooks like it is going to be a hit. The one problem is that i'm not sure whether ALL people would like it... if it was published i would buy it though...

Answer 7

Yes I love a comedy

Answer 8

depends on the length of the story... if it's short, i think i'll be interested... i think the humour's not bad here. but then it's kinda weird to use "who" for a cow.

Answer 9

Yeah as long as you stay as focussed on the animals as you are now.

Answer 10

YES YES THIS IS GENUS WORK I LOVE IT LOVE IT PLZ E-MAIL THE REST TO ME PLZ THIS IS LIKE (SO FAR) THE BEST STORY I HAVE EVER READ OHHHHHH PLZ E-MAILTHE REST TO ME PLZ PLZ PLZ my e-mail adress is [e-mail]