How can I forgive my mother in law?

Question

this is my story: I got married about 1 year ago to my husband whom I love sooo much! anyway he is the only son and he takes care of his mother who is extremly overweight aroud (360lb) she doesnt work because she says she hets tired from standing up she is around 60 years old. She is always trying to rule arond the house she cooks everyday whatever she feels like making, she washes his clothes, makes his lunch, etc.. hes a 29 man! If we have a little argument she waits till hes not around to tell me that my marriage wont last,
She watches tv in the living room form early am to 11 pm watching her soaps, and i cant even sit because she hold the control in her hand. finally i put cable in my room so i can watch tv. She has said some really mean things to me, like my should have never came to the us so that he wouldnt have met you. Those things and many more are in my head & in my heart I can forget what she has done to me. the worst part is that my husband will never believe me.

Answer 1

I'm assuming you live in the apartment his mother and he shared before you got married. You also mentioned that your husband would like to buy a house, and each of you pay half. He is trying to establish two separate combined housholds.

What he needs to understand is that the marriage is the financial stay. Whatever you purchase as maritial assets you are each entitled to half. It sounds like he wants to provide that you and MIL will share the house if he should die. This is not good. The house will end up being sold, equity split and MIL has no one. Better if you two purchase the house, agree that it goes to the other spouse upon the other spouse's death.

Provisions need to be in place for MIL's care. Most people do this with an insurance policy. Maybe you should be entitiled to the house, and she should be entitled to an insurance policy's benefits. I mean, what would happen to MIL if you were not his wife? She'd go to a home, or be placed for care. I'm not saying you'd kick the old woman out if he died. But she's already got serious medical problems that are going to be out of both of your hands eventually. You may want to make sure she has some insurance in place.

Do find a compromise for your finances. It's a strain that will affect everything else in your marriage.

Having MIL in the house is going to greatly reduce the bonding newlyweds have before they have children. Try to make sure you and he have private time. Can you scoot out for the night to a local hotel? If not then there needs to be a rule where MIL does not come into your bedroom. Any laundry she does will stay in the laundry room until you or he put it away. If there's a master bath, that needs to be off limits, too. You do the same. Respect her space. Give yourself a chance to act like a newly married couple.

See if you can find a house with a MIL's apartment. Or a house that has two sides. At least look for the bedrooms to be on opposite sides of the house. Keep privacy paramount when searching.

As far as the disrespect with which you are being treated: Ignore it.

Speak to Mil with Respect. Respond to what she says to you. Do not React. Think about what you want to say, take a breath, and say it calmly and respectfully. This teaches Respect.

When she says something nasty just go "MiL, I dont' speak to you like that....Why would you talk to me that way?" and go throw in a load of towels. Walk away, end of conversation. If she can't treat you with some respect then you don't have to hear it.

Note: You threaten this woman. You could choose to influence her son to have her live somewhere else. She apparently is alone. Remember when she gets nasty that she probably does it because she is scared. Dont' take away the things she does that makes her feel like she is needed / contributing. Thank her. Find the things that you can do that do not tread on her territiory for now. Do the grocery list with her so she has what she needs for meals. Let her get up and do the laundry. God only knows, at least she's standing up....Put his laundry in a common area so she doesn't have to go into your space to get it.

Reassure her that all three of you are family. She's with you for a long time. Think outside the box. It's a tough situation, but not impossible.

Answer 2

When ever a spouse has a problem with an in-law, it never comes out good. The problem is you can't grow with your spouse as long as your Mom-in-law is there. However, you can't just throw her to the curb. I know, that statement makes you drool! So, how do you solve this problem? This may seem a bit drastic, but, I think that your husband needs to see you blow up at this cow (sorry, adipose bothers me) in front of him. Choose your battles though! Make sure she is always in the wrong, which probably won't be much of a task, and preferably a real sore spot for your husband. If this happens enough, two things are going to happen. First, she will decide that you are not a good target any more, second, your husband will start to side with you. Don't get into an argument where you may be a little at fault. just blow it off. Good Luck!

Answer 3

Seems like mom-In-law got some issues.First off how did she get that big? Gaining weight Is not a disease its pretty simple everytime you open your mouth you should take a good look at what your putting In It. Is It healthy? Is this going to add or decrease weight? Does she care? Anyway, apparently you aren't the same size as her so thats probally a problem, shes jealous, not of you so much but what you represent basically. She wants to be your size but she knows she will never be there. Your competition If you like It or not. And the fact that your with her son...Its not that she doesn't want him to be happy, she has a low self esttem and needs all the attention she can get so she might think you are taking away time from her. Its actually a way this can work out but you have to win his mom back and comfort her. Her eating habits alone Is a cry for help and depression.

Answer 4

You've got to do this EXACTLY as I say. Everytime she starts getting mean, go and plant a kiss on her cheek! Yup, that's what you'll do. She's a fat ol' Lady, who's most likely raised her son single handedly. So he's bound to listen to her and not you. So don't try that route. Try to give her a change of heart.

Take her to a dietician. Start off by showing her that you care, and that you won't change no matter what she says or does. The minute she starts her cribbing, give her a big kiss on the cheek!!!
And if she tells your husband about it, tell him that that's how you thanked your mother when she did something nice for you!

Listen sis, Its very easy to break relations and move out. But its very hard to stay on, especially in cases like yours. Get her in shape fast. Make sure she follows her diet. Get her up and moving ASAP. Get her enrolled in some senior citizens club. There she'll find others like her to talk to. And talk with her. Tell her that she's like your mother and that you wouldn't give up loving her even if she didn't love you.

It'll take some time. But it'll work.

Answer 5

If you are living in her house, move out. You can afford to live somewhere, even if it is not the lap of luxury. Proverbs says, "better a morsel on the rooftop, than a feast in confusion." If she is living with you, put your foot down! Tell mommie dearest that you don't appreciate her negative comments. Walk away when she starts. Don't be a prisoner in YOUR house. Let her watch one television show and then say, "My turn" and manually turn the station if you have to! Tell her you'll be washing your husbands clothes and cooking the meals since he is your husband now and it is your house. Tell her she is welcome to assist with dinner preparations if she likes, but you will be setting the menu. Tell hubby to make his own darn lunch!
Get a backbone. The woman walks all over you because you let her. The son will allow it because he benefits from the attention. Your marriage won't last if you keep allowing yourself to be a doormat.
Good luck.

Answer 6

Wow, let's get some perspective:
1. Your husband is very generous and patient to be caring for his mother in this way. Surely you must see that he might care for you in the same way.
2. Realize that your MIL's point of view about life is probably screwed up because of her physical situation. She may be reacting this way because she's jealous--you're stealing the affections and attentions of the only man who pays attention to her.

So, with these in mind:
1. Realize that if you had children, they would say mean things like this to you. You would love them anyway.
2. Don't let her walk on you. When she says mean things, respond with, "I'm sorry you see it that way." If it continues, just say, "Jane, your comments are no fun. I think I'll go out for a walk now."
3. Realize that you are two women competing over the same man. He's stuck with her, but he chose you.

Don't try to force your husband to choose. That often backfires. So, if MIL tries to do it, it could backfire on her!

Answer 7

What has she done so that you should forgive her? Let her know that you are sorry that she fels that way but she needs to work on some of her problems. You need to make some changes in your lif so that you can be happy though. Talk with your husband and figure out for yourself what it will take. Think about how things will or may change down the road from now in that house.

Answer 8

Are you all in her house, or is she in yours?
This situation is just screaming of dysfunction and potential abuse. Please think long and hard about your choices... maybe go talk to a therapist about it. It is too long and complicated to handle in a small online forum as this. But for now, some thoughts:
1. talk to your husband, tell him this can't go on. You married him to be his wife and that means you want your own house and your own life with him...Wasn't it a part of the vows that a man leaves his mother and father and starts a new life with his own wife? That does not mean moving you in with mama. Both of you need to start making a plan to move her out or for you all to get your own place. If not, RED FLAG girlfriend. You have married a mama's boy... he will need the help of a counselor to get out of this cycle of guilt and co-dependence that they are stuck in!
2. Mama most likely has some major mental health issues. This whole situation is screaming of dysfunction. Don't get sucked any further into this mess... get her or yourselves (or just you) O-U-T!!!
Sorry to be so harsh, but the situation is insane and if your hubby won't believe you and won't get control of his relationship with mom, then you need to save yourself !!!! Life is short, don't waste it with this sort of thing!

Answer 9

Can I suggest you see about getting your mother-in-law into rehab for weight loss (b4 her weight kills her) and maybe u and your new husband should think about getting a place of your own) forgiveness may never come especially if she continues but the greater crime would be letting her destroy your relationship with your new husband. Was she this bad when u were dating.
How about u getting a job just to get away from her?

Answer 10

That's crazy, but you must have realised these things before marrying your husband. You shouldn't have to put up with that, but you should realise that the problem is with her not you. Maybe you can put her in a home?