I have a 12 year old who is constantly defying me. He has a smart mouth and bad attitude. He has been getting into fights at school. His dad has told all of the kids not to let anyone mess with them and as long as they don't start it, it is all right. I try to tell them there is always a way around fighting and if you have to, just walk away. The 12 year old has taken it to far in my opinion, thinking its ok. When I tell him to do anything he cries, whines, and gets the biggest attitude. I have grounded him, made him write sentences and so on. I cannot spank him as he is my size. Dad also says I am to hard on him, and the other kids, but I don't want the other three kids thinking they can run over me. Am I justified? Or am I being too hard on him?
2006-12-10 01:11:15 · 10 answers · asked by Jodi C 5 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Adolescent
First u got to take a step back... wheither u mean to or not... his bad behavior is what u r giving to him as reinforcement. He's not hearing u. One of the major issues in your family, is parenting styles..., the fact that ur mate is not supporting ur efforts with any of the kids.
Do u realize the 12 yr old crying, whinning... this kid really is trying to listen and does care about what u say about the situation, and more importantly what u think of him. I know u don't think so... but tears is a big indicater.
I know it's so easy to blow up on him but u got to take control of ur behavior, what u say verbally and body. Words leave deep wounds. U need a new stragegy. Sometimes one on one time alone when ur not battling. A start would be an apology to him privately, telling him it's tough being a parent. The decisions that your son makes in the next 4 yrs will determine how hard or how easy they prepare for becoming a teenager. Learning to be responsible, trustworthy, and have a sense of compassion will go a long ways in friendships and activities.
That his middle and high school years is about preparing for trade school, college or other apprentice program. While having some of the best memories but it really depends on him. The choices he makes to what he does with spare time, the friends he keeps. And that as a parent, your there to lay boundaries. No your not perfect but when you make decisions that are tough. You expect him to respect you and follow them. That you expect him to go to school and show manners to the teachers and staff. That you and Your husband want only what is best for him. That you want to support his ideas and choices. It's a two way street.
You love your children so much which is wonderful. But it's time to be analyitical with yourself. Ask yourself: R u mean? R ur words hurtful? Is the approach ur doing helping him or any of the kids? R u alienating yourself from the kids? Screaming doesn't work, having discussions, listening to your children and coming up with solutions does. Is your home inviting for his friends to come over? My son and I go to regular times to movies, dinner or other activities. Especially when he wants me to listen. His friends come over and pour their hearts out too to either myself or another mom who is my bf.
It's amazing on how many parents think its about things you give your kids. It's really listening and posing questions for them to see the value of their choices. Many times they see they need to go talk to their parents. Many times it's because we have so many kids in various age ranges were good sounding boards. I do not hesitate to tell my son or his friend if I feel they are in potential danger and that together go to their parents. Sometimes they just want to know someone gives "A Damn" about what they do.
You are trying to raise your children really in single parent household... so maybe start seeing a family therapist to help u cope. Most fathers r in denial about everything. But if u gain new tools in parenting... you can handle the raising of them. Ur hubby might see the difference and want to join in finding out what he should be doing as DAD. Ur right, fighting or bullying doesn't work. Yes u have to stand up for oneself, especially in school. Your hubby is half right. Depending on the violence in school your walking away can have dire consequences. Bully attack kids who appear to be weak or have little to no friends.
Stephen Covey has many books in your local library, family counseling can recommend other materials. You concern and love needs to be channel another approach to reach your son. You may find later on apologizing to the family that the kids hear you as a Mom who loves them so much and made a mistake. Most will say they too have messed up. Together you and the kids can develop some new house rules. All these years I've learn to pick my battles. One thing both my hubby and agree on is school. It's their most important job. To not be a problem at school with their teachers and staff. It's not too late... take it one step at a time, before u blow up... give yourself time to calm down. Your kids have to see and believe your changing your parenting style. They will come around. You'll still have challenges just don't revert back to screaming. Good luck
2006-12-10 02:03:29 · answer #1 · answered by Staci 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Their father needs to back you. It's hard enough trying to raise teenagers, but when parents work against each other, you're headed for big trouble. You need to speak with your husband, NOT around the kids. It will only get worse, as all the kids grow into adolescence. You are correct, the other children will model what they see their brother get by with. You and your husband need to check into (& think about) the rules and laws of your State,/school, about terriorism. Bullies are not to be tolerated, this is sounding awful close. There is a fine line in-between taking up for yourself, and thinking you can treat people however you want. Young males will model themselves after their father.
Since we were not raised as a boy we don't understand, but that's when Dad needs to step in and make him respect you, and behave at school. Mabe if you could get your husband involved in troubles at school, and pay more attention at home, he could help. Otherwise, if you want to avoid worse trouble down the road, all should go to family counciling.
2006-12-10 01:31:48 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You're being too hard on him. He has a reason for fighting you know. Who walks away from fights? thats how kids get picked on these days from running away from fights.
2006-12-10 03:37:49 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Your word should be law within your own house. Your husband should support you. The kids should know that if they disobey you, both parents are going to be upset.
2006-12-10 01:15:58 · answer #4 · answered by DJL2 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Your his parent, I have never seen a child who is being parented properly who doesnt feel like his parent is on his case.
Be consistant and show him you love him.
2006-12-10 01:42:46 · answer #5 · answered by mamaac43 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
sounds like, you're on his case all the time! this is why you SMACK kids when are young, to teach them some discipline and that what you say goes.
2006-12-10 02:13:10 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
i do not think you are to hard on him fighting is unacceptable and youre doing the right thing by diseplinning him!
2006-12-10 01:39:04 · answer #7 · answered by Kat C 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
make him learn karate, he will learn discipline and burn off excess energy, and will learn to walk away from a fight, and use it as a means to defend himself only
2006-12-10 01:17:00 · answer #8 · answered by timbo44b 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well don't be in his case all the time.
2006-12-10 02:04:50 · answer #9 · answered by Livia 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
time to sit down and talk to him
2006-12-10 02:21:36 · answer #10 · answered by Playboy 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋