Am I a Bad Person/Dad?

Question

I married the love of my life 11 years ago. (Our anniversary is 12-30, but close enough). We both had children coming into the marriage. My son moved out when he was 18, but her daughter--now nearly 20--has no motivation to move out. She stays out all night and slinks in with her boyfrieind in-tow at 6 or 7 a.m. She drags in all typical teen "drama" that is "her life." And she doesn't contribute ANYTHING to our home. No housework; no rent; no NOTHING! She's basically a leach.

I feel myself growing more resentful every day. It's gotten to the point where I can't stand the sight of her and I feel badly about it. But it is what it is. She's had good examples (her mom and I) but has turned out to basically be a "slug."

Am I wrong to want her to move on with her life so her mom and I and her younger sister (who is the exact opposite of her) can live in peace?

Thanks in advance for your insights.

Answer 1

I think you are doing the right thing by putting the breaks on her free ride. If you don't, what motivation will she ever have to get her act together?

Answer 2

Be careful when approaching this with your wife, because she is your wives daughter and she could feel that you don't love her enough to deal with her because she is not your fleshing blood. And do a check on your feelings and make sure you are not actually feeling that way, since you mentioned you cannot stand the sight of her. I am assuming your youngest daughter is the offspring of you and your current wife. Try to think of it this way, she is the oldest, and the oldest sibling always seems to feel like they received the least amount of attention.

Try not to compare her to your bio son and your bio daughter, but as your own. Afterall, you have helped raise her, you share the responsibility for how she has turned out. Yes, I agree, if she is 20 and not attending college somewhere, then she needs to get a job and contribute to the household chores and bills. She should not be allowed to treat your home as her very own, she should still have some rules even if she is 20. I am not talking about a curfew, but responsibilities.

As far as your resentment, I think it goes a little too deep for comfort. Don't compare her to the other children, she is her own person, and just because you do not see her making progress in her life, doesn't mean she will not be a successful person. What if that were your son and not your wife's daughter, do you think you would have the same feelings toward your son that you are having with your step-daughter? It could just have easily been your son in this situation and your wife would be asking these questions. How would you feel about that? NO, I don't think you are a bad person, and there is no reason for a 20 year old to be a mooch, but you also need to deal with her compassionately. Let her know you love her, but do tell her what is expected of her.

Answer 3

I wouldn't say bad person, but definitely a bad dad. If your daughter acts the way she does, then it's your duty to make her understand, aren't you her father? Don't sermonize, she's too old for that to work. Have a talk with your wife. She'll understand you much better than us. But you have to appreciate the fact that that girl is HER daughter - much more her's than yours. So be considerate about it. You're not wrong in wanting her move out...but then you'll only be making things worse. Don't do that. That girl needs her family. She's had a troubled childhood, I'm sure you know that. Talk to her. Have a heart to heart with her. I'm sure she dislikes you as much as you dislike her, so take some pointers from your younger daughter. You've shown admirable courage by coming here and posting the question. Now show the same courage in putting back your family together. Tell her that under no circumstances are you going to give up on her and if needs be, you will do anything and everything that HER Dad would have done for her. There's a little girl inside that grown up one. Touch her...hold her hands. You owe that to your wife...you owe that to your Family.

This Christmas, I'm praying that you have a miracle. Here's wishing you a Happy Anniversary in advance :)

Answer 4

I have a friend in your situation, she has three of children living in her house rent free the youngest is 23, I tell her all the time that she is enabling them..she doesn't see it. She does have their best in mind but she isn't seeing the negative effects it will have on their lives and hers. Her daughter makes a ridiculous claim weekly to get more money such as I lost my purse at a party or someone stole the money out of the car.

My advice is to tell her she needs to get a job pronto and start paying rent otherwise she will be living permenately at a friends house eating away at their income. If she does get a job work with her to set up a savings for an apartment or even college. Do not give her anymore money put a lock on the refrigerator if need be. She will have a choice to plan for the future or not...let her know that if she chooses not to plan it will make living and finding the money for food incredibly hard. Of course you and your wife need to be 100% together on this, it will not work if your wife is giving her 50 bucks here and there on the side.

I was paying rent at 15 now that may seem a little young and I do admit my parents are crazy but I do thank them for that. I was finacially stable by 17 and today at 19 I am the district buyer for a large company in Vermont. I have my own house, a car that is paid for in full and everything else that I could NEED. I have learned to live without what I want and still do. It will be hard for you and your wife to give this type of encouragement but if she accepts it for what it is it will do wonders for all of your lives.

Answer 5

You are not a bad person and neither is your daughter. Your culture expects children to live away from parents and it is Ok. Your resentment is not OK. When things are going as expected all of us appear to be great winners. The real test of character comes when things do not go as expected.

Did you discuss this with your wife and daughter? Do you have any clue why she is not moving out? Why is she a "leach"? All children are not alike. Some could be weak emotionally, physically or mentally. I suggest that you spend more time with your problem child and try to understand her problem. She may be emotionally insecure or she may have some psychological problem. Consult a psychiatrist if need be.

I think you and your wife have to work together to make your daughter self reliant and emotionally strong. Once she becomes strong mentally she will move out on her own. If she doesn't then she may need professional help. Don't brand her as a "leach". You have to solve her problems by being on her side and teach her how to live her life. We should accept that many problems of children are caused by parents.

I hope you will get over your resentment and look at her problems afresh and try to help her solve them. Best of luck.

Answer 6

No, you're not a bad person, or Dad...actually you're right on. Her mom needs to step up to the plate and make her contribute or go. I have three sons living at home with me, ages 18, 20, and 23, and they all pay rent and do chores. I have double-dog-dared them to try to afford to live anywhere else for as little as 200 a month, and they agree, it's a deal. We co-exist peacefully and help one another with whatever comes up. They all work full time, as do I, so they're learning what it's like to share a house and chores, what it takes to run a house, and respect for other people. They are free to make their own social plans, they only have to let me know roughly where they are and how long they'll be gone, so I'm not lying in the bed at 3am wondering if they're in a ditch somewhere. They also know that I would prefer that they be in by 2am, or they need to make arrangements to stay the night wherever they are. You know, common courtesy. That's what it all boils down to once they are adults. It HAS to be reciprocated. Good luck with your situation!!!

Answer 7

I don't think you are wrong. It's hard enough to accept other people's children as equals when they are, but when they contrast so sharply, it is easy to become resentful. I would talk to the mom about her to make sure that you have her support, but it's time she moved out... At twenty years old, she clearly sees herself as an adult, as she does not abide by typical teenage rules (aka a curfew). So, as an adult, it's about time she take care of something- starting with herself. If she's in college, have her look for a dorm. If she's not, help her find a good paying job (if she doesn't already have one) and help her with the deposit and utility deposits and get her started in her new independent life... You are the parents, yes, but the entirely dependent stage of childhood pretty much ends when they are adults... If she wants to live like she has no rules, send her out to the real world so she can define her own rules...

Answer 8

Yes, you are wrong to want her to move out so you can have peace. You SHOULD have her move out for herself. She won't grow up until she has to. Letting her free load isn't going to help her at all, unless you plan to support her until she dies of old age.You and your wife should inform the daughter that she MUST move by Feb. 1. Not ONE more day. And then, follow through. A girl nearly 20, that just lives without contributing, will keep being a slug as long as others allow it. Don't.

Answer 9

Unfortunatley there is usually always one in a family who is like she is. And NO you are not wrong for wanting her to get her life together and get out. The only way that is going to happen is if you tell her she has to move out on her own. You and her mom are enabling her to stay there and leach of of you. You and your wife have to do it together and tell her if she doenst get a job and start doing the things that her as an adult should do then she needs to leave. You and your wife have got to stand your ground on this though. If you both keep letting her get away with the things shes doing then shes going to continue doing them. You are the parents here not her.

Answer 10

Part of your responsibility of parenting is to "push" you children to become responsible. 6 or 7 AM???? That would not have been allowed in my home! I started charging room and board at 18(put it into a savings account and give it to them in an emergency). When my son stopped going to work, sleeping all day, and generally being irresponsible. I told him he needed to find a new place to live. Similar thing with my daughter. Today the are self sufficient and successful (27yo and 23yo). My brother has allowed his son to do what your step-daughter is doing. His son has been in jail, won't hold a job, moves out temporarily, but always ends up back home he's 29yo and has accomplish nothing with his life and has no desire to change.

Answer 11

THAT IS VERY HARD,you need to talk with your wife and get her insight on the situation, you both have to agree on what to do about it it is called tough love,sit down with the girl both of you after you have come to agreement between both of you and let her know both of you have come to changing the way things are, but remember she will get angry and say a lot of things because no body likes any body to push them out of there comfort zone, especially when you both have allowed it to happen, don't expect changes all at once, develop some house rules and chores and tell her there will be consequences, she needs goals and purpose in life for her self, always talk to her and listen to her she is a individual and a adult,both of you together and separate, AND ALWAYS REASSURE HER OF BOTH YOUR LOVE TOGETHER AND INDIVIDUALLY,be patient and under standing always, don't do any thing out of anger or desperation, be calm and loving, and even if your son is out of the house , communication is very important in this life time. no matter if your children are near or far stay a family, that is a life time job harder than anything you and your wife will go through, that is a solid foundation of your love for each other and very important,