I wrote it yesterday....
Day turns into night as I meander through the world.
How could this be are these deplorable condtions for me.
In need of the light I seek. Yet it eludes me.
Far greater struggles I shall see.
Warm-hearted in a freezing world.
Need it dissapate the heat for me to starve of myself.
Time has uncanningly wound down.
The split seconds of our reality is now nonexistant.
We are no more. I have yet to reach the summit.
I lingered to long and the darkness descended.
I can't see and now my path is bleak.
2006-12-09 18:42:53 · 16 answers · asked by ElDarado05 2 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Polls & Surveys
wrote it in like 10min
2006-12-09 19:03:29 · update #1
for the record i dont not the type of person that doesnt think the world get's them. im not a poet but i jsut wanted to try to write somethin with that kind of display. i like to elaborate things.
2006-12-09 19:05:48 · update #2
Do you want true criticism or for me to say, "Oooh! Great poem?" Well, I'm doing the first one regardless of what you want. First off, you should put your poem in the correct format. Go look at poetry in books to find out how... secondly, your grammar and spelling need work. Thirdly, stating "me" and "me" at the end twice is not that great unless you're going to stick with that scheme throughout the rest of the poem. Also, you should decide if you truly want the poem to rhyme or not. I find that poems that rhyme that aren't done with good writing sound horrible and amateurish. If you're going to freestyle, I'd advise you to go with no rhyme scheme. It doesn't have to rhyme to be poetry.
Overall, I think that if you had more time than just a day, you'd have done a LOT better. Right now, it can only be labeled (sorry if I'm harsh, but that's just how it is... you asked) "pseudo-dark." This is just something I picture an over-the-top emotional person who thinks the world "doesn't get them" would write... in a rush. If not used correctly, flourishing words like "dissipate" and "deplorable" may sound fake and totally ineffective.
However, I will say that this is still better than some of the poems I've read by other people. *shivers*
2006-12-09 18:54:20 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
It could use a lil work here and there..but you do get the feeling through..which is something that some "poets" who are perfect with style and format, etc. can never seem to do. I think if you were to look at some poetry to get the idea of all that and keep it up you could be really good.
2006-12-10 03:58:27 · answer #2 · answered by lucky 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
The angsty stuff isn't my thing, although it scans quite nicely. You need to run it through a spell check, and I'm afraid "uncanningly" isn't a word -did you mean uncannily?
2006-12-10 02:47:56 · answer #3 · answered by f0xymoron 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
As a poet myself, I sense the honesty of life in it. It sounds personal and emotional. Good one.
2006-12-10 02:45:12 · answer #4 · answered by Switz 2 · 0⤊ 2⤋
i like it. it sounds exactly how a human tries to cope in the ups and downs between happiness and misery, the two polarities no one can escape from. you should enter it into poetry.com or some other poetry site. nice abs too, lol.
2006-12-10 02:47:07 · answer #5 · answered by yrsosketchy 1 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Nice
2006-12-10 02:45:13 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 3⤋
Good poem. Interesting and deep.
2006-12-10 02:45:30 · answer #7 · answered by ? 7 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Quite depressing.
2006-12-10 02:45:01 · answer #8 · answered by chaseki 3 · 0⤊ 3⤋
poet and didnt know it .take that blanket off your head
2006-12-10 02:48:33 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
I wanna hug you
2006-12-10 02:44:17 · answer #10 · answered by surfer_grl_ca 4 · 0⤊ 2⤋