What does a good father do when his daughter hates spending the night over thier house because they hate rules

Question

I am a good father and I am not with my children’s mother, but I pay child support and my children visit me during the weekends. I have two daughters ages 6 and 2. My ex-wife complains and bitches about everything and makes petty situations out of something big. My ex brought my 6 year old a cell phone and when she comes and visits me she is constantly on the cell phone with her mother. I feel like this is an invasion of privacy in my household so I designate a time that my daughter can contact her mother. My 6 year old hates spending the night over my house on the weekends because she hates my rules. I have been dealing with my ex-wife and her drama and looking at my daughters bald up face every time I pick her up for almost 2 years now. My daughter seem so much happier with their mother and I guess daughters just want to be with their mothers more. Maybe its best that I visit them during the day some days and take them back to their mother instead of them spend the night with me.

Answer 1

Keep being consistently there for them and someday the light will go on in their heads. No parent is able to turn one against the other because eventualy the child sees thru the BS, especially if you are there for them, Whatever you do never say anything bad to them about their mother. They will resent you for it. Someday they will realize who the real you is and value it. However if you start letting go and do not remain as consistent a parent as you can be you will lose them and they will blame you for it.

Answer 2

I know where your coming from when you talk about your daughters. Although mine is older, I am still going through the same thing with her even after my divorce was finalized. You have to realize that it may not be your daughters fault. This behavior may be brought on by her mother's need to control what happens at your house. Professionals call this PAL, parental alienation syndrome. This is where one parents alienates the kids against the other parent, for whatever reason they have. It makes the relationship with your daughter very volatile, because she is going by what her mom tells her, whatever that might be. Your daughter may hate the rules you have at your house, but only because her mom doesn't enforce the rules at her house, trying to entice your daughter into believing that being at your house means nothing but rules, if that makes sense. She is trying to win over your daughter by not having rules at her house. So your daughter feels that she can do more at moms than at your house. Whatever you do, don't let go of your daughter, that's what your ex wants you to do. Your daughter will eventually see for herself what has been going on. It may take some time, but it will be worth it in the end. Kids have to see and decide for themselves what is truly going on. Don't ever give up on your daughters, just give them the space they need to figure things out on their own. You'll feel better knowing that you didn't do the same thing as your ex, and your kids will realize this in the future. Hang in there. It does get better, but sometimes it does get a little rocky. Keep the faith.

Answer 3

I think that 6 is too young to have a cell phone, but that's my opinion. Brother, I have to say this straight to you, and your Ex if she is listening, you two are spending too much time fighting over petty issues, and not focusing on your children, period. When you have kids, all your problems become secondary, and the kids come first, and it seems that she at least (as we are only hearing your side of the issue) is poisoning the children with her anger towards you, which is so wrong. And you counter by telling your little one she can't talk to her Mom on the phone, which although may be a little peculiar ( in my opinion ) why not relent and let her talk, at that age it could be a passing fancy, and if you let go she may lose interest. Also, find out what she likes to do, and try to engage her in something interesting so she doesn't feel the need to talk on the phone all night with her Mom. I can understand that you are feeling threatened by her affection for her Mom, but the both of you have to put the children's needs first and stop using them as playing pieces in your ongoing war......sorry Man, but I have to say it like it is.
PS, I am a single Dad, and my son is 15 and I have always put his needs first.

Answer 4

Hold on, my 2 daughters (6 & 2), much prefer to be with me than their mom because I have set rules and I enforce them. They know where they stand with me and know what the rules are at my house. Second, don't tell your daughters they can only contact their Mom during certain times of the day, they are going to resent you for that. Having to deal with an ex-wife can suck, but don't forget that your ex-wife is also your daughter's mom. You sound like you still have a lot of resentment towards your ex, make sure your kids aren't the ones who get punished for that. You will lose them.

Answer 5

I don't get why a 6 year old needs a cell phone, but that's just me.

First of all, as much as you're going to hate this, you have to find a compromise with your ex. When the rules aren't the same at different households, it can be hard for younger children to adjust to them. There needs to be a consistency from her house to yours so that the 6 year old doesn't act like such a (excuse me) spoiled brat when she doesn't get her way. Part of her behavior is copied directly from her mother, but part of it comes from being insecure at your home. It's not so much that she hates the rules, but they are different, and she doesn't know how to handle them.

When you talk to your ex, the children shouldn't be within hearing range. Tell her how much you are trying to make things work, but you are having some problems. Then list each and every one of them at a time, giving her time to respond in between. Find a way that you can both be happy with, and that you both wil be willing to enforce with the girls.

Example:
The cell phone, and constant calls. Maybe suggest that the cell phone be left at her house, and you will allow the girls to call on your home phone. Not only will it save her the cost of the bill, but you won't feel invaded. Then set limits on how often, and how long, she can be on the phone with her mother. When they are at your house, they need to be spending her time with you. If all the 6 year old does is whine to mommy, then she will never get used to being there without mommy around.
Your ex, by encouraging this, isn't giving you a chance to bond with your daughter. She is sending the message that you can't be trusted to deal with them without her around. She is telling the girls that daddy is incapable of being a parent to them. This is not only hurtful to you, it it to them too. They are being told by their mother (by her actions) that they can't depend on you for anything. Plus, if this continues, they will grow up with the idea that only women can be caregivers.
She also isn't allowing herself much chance to have a life of her own. When you have the kids, maybe she can go out with her friends. It will take her mind off you and the girls, and send a clear message to the 6 year old that she can't always have mommy, and daddy is capable of taking care of her needs.

I wouldn't suggest changing the visitation, which will only show the girl that she can get her way if she is difficult enough. Which encourages temper tantrums (which she is old enough to be past by now) and avoiding you. Once she has gotten out of overnights, daytime visits won't be far behind. She will display the same, or similar, behavior to upset you each time you try to pick her up. After a while, you might find that you just want to give up seeing them completely. Which is going to hurt you badly, and you will regret not fighting for your right to be a father to your children.

Answer 6

I think sometimes it is easier to just give up.Then to stand up for.What is right?Especially.When doing the right thing makes you look like a bad guy to the people that you love.In your case your daughters.No I do not think you should visit your daughters during the day instead of having them spend the night with you.Daughters need their fathers just as much as they need their mothers.In my mind you are allowing your children to manipulate you into giving up/giving in to them because they do not want to follow your rules.It makes you feel like the bad guy. Yet everywhere you go in life there are rules to follow.whether you are 2/6/106 etc..I think you are teaching them to grow up to be responsible/mature women.I think they need you to be in their life even if they do not like the rules.Try rewarding them for following the rules/give them something to look forward too.When they come to your home.As for your ex wife.You can not change the person that she is.I do not think it is unreasonable for you to set aside time for your daughter to talk to her mother.When she is at your home.Frankly.I do not know.Why a 6 year old would have a cell phone in the first place?Keep your chin up.You will be happy that you did.

Answer 7

First off, remember one thing: All children love their mothers. Even children who are abused by their mothers will tell the courts and judges that they still love their mother. If you bad mouth their mother around them, it's going to make them resent you.

Second: If the daughter is on the phone with her mother so much during 'your' time, trying to force a separation is going to make her more determined to be unhappy with you. There must be a reason why she wants to talk to her mother so much when she's with you. What rules do you have for her? She's six, if you're overly demanding, very strict and no fun for her, then of course she's going to be unhappy and just want to go back home. Try to make your time with them a special time to just enjoy being together with your daughters. Don't turn into Daddy Drill Sergeant or by the time your daughters are in their teens, you'll never see them or hear from them at all. You will never have their trust and you will never have a good relationship with them. Plan a night when you make your own ice cream sundaes then sit and watch Disney videos.

It's possible for you to have a good relationship with your daughters, but you need to make sure your frustration, anger and other negative emotions towards their mother doesn't affect your time with them. Telling your daughter she can only speak to her mother at designated times screams 'control freak' to me, and to your daughter, it's going to translate as 'dad doesn't think my insecurities and needing to talk to mom are important'.

My advice: lighten up and just value the time with your daughters. Don't worry about overly strict rules and demanding they only play by your rules. Yes, rules are important, but dictating every little thing they can or can't do is going too far.

Some things to consider: Do you know your daughter? I mean do you know her favorite color, her favorite animal, her favorite movie, her favorite song? Do you know what she wants to be when she grows up? Do you know what she likes to do for fun? Do you know who her friends are and what they do each week during school? All of those are important to her, and if you don't know them, then you should take the time to do just that, and forget about the rules. It doesn't require rules to sit and do craft projects with your daughter and just talk to her.

Answer 8

Doesn't matter what the child wants. She can hate it all she wants. You are her father first, then her friend. When they are grown is when they understand you did what a father should do. Spend time with your child.

Answer 9

Be firm, fair, consistent and loving. Don't talk about Mom. They will be adults in no time.

Answer 10

Best to send back to Mom.