WHEN I BRING UP MARRIAGE HE SAYS HES NOT READY AND THAT HE CANT SUPPORT ME AND HAS NOTHING TO OFFER ME.I'M 23 AND HAVE BEEN WITH HIM FOR 3 YEARS WE HAVE A GREAT RELATIONSHIP AND HIS FAMILY LOVES ME. I WORK FULL TIME AND RIGHT NOW HE DOES TO. WE PLAN TO MOVE TO 12O MILES AWAY SO HE CAN FINISH SCHOOL BUT I WILL HAVE TO LEAVE MY JOB AND FAMILY I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT THAT BECAUSE I'M IN THE MEDICAL FIELD AND I CAN ALWAYS GET ANOTHER JOB BUT I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE FOR NOTHING. HE HAS TALKED TO OTHER GIRLS OVER THE PHONE FOR LONG PERIODS OF TIME AND I FOUND OUT 2 MTHS AGO HE WAS ALSO TALKING TO HIS EX THAT LIVES 330 MILS AWAY FOR 3MTHS FOR LONG PERIODS OF TIME ON THE PHONE WHILE I WOULD BE ASLEEP. WE LIVE TOGETHER. I WOUD HATE TO MAKE HIM MARRY ME BUT I WANT A COMMITMENT I WILL BE HAPPY JUST BEING ENGAGED FOR BEFORE I MOVE I HAVE ALREADY PUT ALOT INTO OUR LIFES.
2006-12-09 17:31:56 · 22 answers · asked by vanessa 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Theirs a saying " why drink milk from a glass,when I can have the whole cow". It means why spoil this good thing we've got going don't spoil it. And apparently you've done that. within 3 yrs u both should have discuss and brought to the table Trust, Trust, Respect. Respect was lost when u decided to live together without the benefit of marriage.Probably u brought into his story that many women fall into, let's try living together and see if it works out then we might get married. But that type odf arrangement reminds me of the banks revolving doors u go in and back out.Remember commitment means to be wanting,willing to be DEDICATED. It also means being obilgated to care for responsilbly all to his need and your's. But ur boy is telling u the truth when he tell's u he's not ready. He's not ready now nor has he ever been true to himself. Guaranteed to walk out if u force the issue. Engagement should have been within the first yr. that is if u both had discussed all trust and truth issues. That's what dating is is for. "You can bring the horse to the well...but u can't make it drink from it..if it does'nt want to" Committ to ur happiness,no man is ever worth this grief.
LOL
2006-12-09 18:36:26 · answer #1 · answered by Alluva52 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Why should he commit? He's already got everything he wants without having to commit to a damn thing. He's got a live in girlfriend his family adores, sex on tap, long distance relationships without number, and a housemate that works full time. Where's the advantage in him committing?
If you force the issue: "Marry me or I'm leaving!" he will either leave or resent you the rest of his life. You have a difficult choice: you can either wait for him to be ready (which might be never) or you can walk away while you are still young enough to find a man who wants to marry you.
For me, it seems you are obsessing a little on the whole marriage thing. What difference does it make whether you are married or not ... unless you want to start a family? Or have you been dreaming of getting married since you were a little girl? Perhaps you feel the clock ticking, is there family or social pressure to marry?
At the very least, you need to be open and honest with your boyfriend about your feelings.
2006-12-09 17:44:01 · answer #2 · answered by Bethany 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
From your explanation it doesn't sound like he's committed to you. PERIOD.
I hate to say and I know you've invested all this time but you are wasting your time.
I stayed with a man for almost five years and he did the same to me. Kept saying he wasn't ready but was talking to others, including his ex on the phone and internet all the time when I either wasn't around or like you, sleeping.
When I threatened to leave, he asked me to marry him and I thought he would change but three months before the wedding he called it off and I was devasted but truthfully it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I met someone else around that same time, sort of like my hero, he helped me through that time and now we are happily married.
I'm explaining this to you because I don't want you to waste anymore time with him like I did with my ex.
If I were you I would tell him that you want a time-out from the relationship, look for a place of your own or let him leave and you stay and see how he reacts. And please do the time-out even if he proposes, tell him you want to think about things and if you two mutually miss each other than it will be better the second time and you will make an extra effort.
Sometimes you have to set people free and if they came back to you then you know it was meant to be.
Good luck! Sorry so long.
2006-12-09 17:41:55 · answer #3 · answered by LC 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
It really sounds like he's conflicted and can't make up his mind.
In addition - it sounds like he's just not ready right now bc he wants to get his education completed and finances in order.
I think if you keep pressuring him, he will end up cheating on you in the hopes it will piss you off and you'll leave - thus alleviating him of the "choice" to end the relationship.
Right now this is not looking too good and I would not move for him. Let him miss you a while and it will be a test to see if he really wants you and the marriage commitment. If he wanders off, then it was meant to be that way and you'll have to come to grips with that and find a guy that's better suited to you.
2006-12-09 18:06:00 · answer #4 · answered by Lake Lover 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry but I don't feel that this relationship will work out long-term. He actually sounds like a PLAYER want-to-be. You can wait, but these are the best time of your life. You are a Doll, but it sounds to me that he has a ego that says "I can do better". When I was your age, I dated just one Woman all through College. We were engaged. The night I studied for my last Exam ever, her & her friends went out & she found another guy. She told me the night that of graduation that it was over. Her exact words were "whenever I thought about my wedding day, I never say you in the picture." I bet you could guess how I felt. Almost 25 years, two broken marriages & 4 children, I'm still not over that day. Somehow, I will have to go through my life asking myself, "What if?" Please don't do that to yourself.
2006-12-09 18:41:36 · answer #5 · answered by Mr Brightsides 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Men mature later in life and i think he has not matured. I don't think he will commit and you are lucky that he won't because by him calling his ex and talking to her while you are asleep is really wrong. Don't leave your job or your family he is not showing you that he is ready for any kind of relationship. His family may love you but he doesn't seem to show you love. So don't give up your job or family for him. Good luck
2006-12-09 17:48:28 · answer #6 · answered by angel 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have already approached him on marriage. He essentially said "no". He talks to other women on the phone! For long periods!?
Just tell him you don't want to leave your job and he should go off without you. See how things go then. I think it will be clear what needs to be done (good or bad) once you two are apart for just a little while.
Good luck.
2006-12-09 17:47:03 · answer #7 · answered by Just trying to help 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I don't think he loves you anymore......he's talking to other girls! A man who loves you will not talk to other girls, especially their ex-girlfriend. Also, you can't make any man commit. They usually do that on their own, you don't have to ask. If he is the right man for you, you would'nt be having these problems with him. He said he's "not ready" to commit to you....it's not that. It's not in the matter of being ready, I believe that he just does'nt want to commit TO YOU....sorry!
2006-12-09 18:08:03 · answer #8 · answered by sugarBear 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its clear he is still shopping, do not upend your life for a man that will not even stop talking to his ex. You can not make him marry you, so dont worry about that. He will committ only if he wants to, and its clear he doesnt. Yes you have put a lot in your future, but not near as much as quitting your job and leaving.
2006-12-09 17:37:21 · answer #9 · answered by fancyname 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Move on. He has already told you that he doesn't want to be with you and he's even moving away. You don't have a great relationship if he's interested in other girls and talking to his ex. Dump him.
2006-12-09 17:40:38 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋