I love my wife with all my heart, but she hates having sex. She was recently diagnosed with IC and claims it hurts her to have sex. I truly believe it does. She says oral makes her gag and once in a rare occasion she will masturbate me. We have sex about once ever two months if lucky. Married 6 year with 2 kids. She is a at home mom. I work full time. She used to say she was tired form the kids and so I started taking some of her dutied over. She cooks, I clean dishes after dinner. I bath the children and put them down for bed while she rest on the sofa. I relise it hard to be home with baby all day but i need some attention too. I tried to romance her with love notes and cards. Take he away for a B & B for the night. Still nothing? She claims she "loves me very much. " We have been in counsling for 2 months but she usally dosent want to go and I end up there alone. I feel she avoids come to bed early to avoid sex? Then when she does its very late. Am i wrong to step out?
2006-12-09 16:47:50 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
How long should i give before leaving. I hate feeling rejected all the time. I've actually stopped making advances and she didn't even notice. I think? Why would she stay if she is unhappy and how would i know if she was truly unhappy?
2006-12-09 16:50:42 · update #1
I have spoke with her and she said she new how i felt. She told me "she was being a good wife and she would make it up to me". Its 3 months later and everthing is the same.
2006-12-09 16:56:39 · update #2
I do truly love her with all my heart. I know the guilt would tear at me but i dont know what else to do. Im 36 and feel like im missing out in a big part of my sexuality. Sex is important to me to feel wanted and loved. I need some for of sex in my marraiage.........
2006-12-09 17:02:21 · update #3
Boy do I feel for you but from reading what you have written so far I still have a few questions? First...what is IC and what treatment is there and the prognosis? Second..when was the last child born? Third....how does she feel about her weight and self worth? Answer these and then I may be able to guide you further since I did go thru a phase as well.
Well to begin w/she could be avoiding going to bed till your asleep so she doesnt have to frustrate you and deny you. There is the 7yr itch. Its when you may want to move on or 2nd guess your love...you get antsy and need some revival. I did this more at about 9-10 yrs of marriage. Also after I had my kids for about a yr to 18 months I wasnt interested in sex. I was to occupied w/the kids and its Gods evil trick to prevent pregnancy again to soon after childbirth. They say you shouldnt become pregnant for atleast a yr after birth to let your body get back to health. So I really think its a hormonal trip. Plus, being a stay home mom you dont have the outer world or intellectual conversation..your stuck home dealing w/kids talk all day and trying to be patient and do the same old boring no brain work of house cleaning. You get in a rut and its mentally draining. We love our kids but we need to be individuals as well. Our bodies have changed and we dont look like we did at 21 anymore...how that is so depressing. Let me tell you...if she is not feeling secure about her body it reapes havoc on us..we shut down and it doesnt matter how much you compliment us its our self image. We have to feel comfortable w/that. All these things I have mentioned was something I went thru myself. She has to fix it...but she also has to realize to get her head out of her *** and do something aabout it too. I started doing windsor pilates and step aerobics which made a huge differance. I get my kids out more and get together w/other mothers. My husband and I have made it a routine to go out atleast one night a week....that means the babysitter takes over and we go out like we were dating again. We have invested in lotions and sex toys. On the way home we will pull in a parking lot to do the wild thing and be risky like we did dating. I make sure in the evenings I get out of the house when he comes home to do what I loved and thats my horses. Its wonderful your so understanding but try to stick it out for her sake. I have a form of lupus and fibromyalgia so certain times are tough. My self image and self worth have changed but I did that myself. My husband just helped me along but there were many times he was so frustrated he wasnt getting it. What really helped for him to get his way was to massage me and have me relax and hold me to give me a break and then boom I wanted it. I would love to talk to your wife since many of my girlfriends have gone thru this as well and I have given them ideas to pull themselves out of this and their marriages are so much better. I wish you the best of luck and have a Merry Christmas and a Happier New Year. :)
2006-12-09 17:31:24 · answer #1 · answered by Ivory_Flame 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think you should step out on her. She maybe having low self-esteem problems that are adding to her medical problem. I don't know how I would be if it hurt me to have sex but I can tell you that there was a long period of time that I had no interest. There were many different reasons for that and yes I still loved my husband. Well he decided that it was going on for too long and he cheated on me. Now we are going through a divorce and he is trying to get me back. There are some women that will never forget this kind of act against them so I beg you not to do this. Try to talk to her and tell her how this makes you feel. Ask her why she doesn't want to go to counseling and why can't you guys find other ways to make this work. If you really want to be with her then try everything before you give up.
2006-12-09 16:57:17 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
read to her many things that you "Plan" on doing to her when you get home... maybe the absence makes the heart grow fonder thing will work and keep her faithful. Wont' lie to you though... a history of both of you cheating isn't a good background, and obviously makes you worry even more so. But it may help get you through the hard times. It thing what you can do for her is suggest some "gift ideas" that can keep her occupied if you know what I mean. They have naughty sex toys for married couples that you could send her links of or even buy online and have sent to the house. One great idea off the top of my head is, and I hope you don't laugh... but have you ever heard of those clone a willy kits? Clone your "willy" and send it to her... then she can have "you" anytime she is in the mood. savvy? I think that's the perfect gift for such a wonderful husband serving overseas to send his wife.. and imo it's not out of line at all. God bless you for serving our country and good luck. You have my prayers and thoughts.... please return home safely and go make your wife happy =) Check out this website I pulled up for you, they have the bonus coupon code I googled that gives you discount for the Adam and Eve website. They have the clone your willy kits there. And it's discrete. You could surprise your wife with a gift like that I think would totally make her love you even more.. I know I would.
2016-03-29 01:37:59 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have no clue was IC is but I'm sure IC didn't develop overnight and it will take time to treat and resolve.
I had a hysterectomy in August and things did not go well for me after wards.I have not had sex yet because i am not ready.I don't care how many cards. notes,B&B's or anything i get, if i am not mentaly ready,it aint happening.
Keep up the counsiling and above all,be patient !! Stay at home because getting caught stepping out will probally net you less sex and more problems.Good Luck!!
2006-12-09 17:25:03 · answer #4 · answered by mint_julip1122 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It sounds to me like you've done all the right things so, there must be something else there.
Has she been checked for depression? Depression kills your sex drive and leaves you feeling hopeless so that may be why she doesn't go to counseling.
m not sure what IC is but, have you and she talked to the doctor about what you can do so that it doesn't hurt?
When to leave is purely a decision only you can make, however it sounds like you've given your all at this point. Having been cheated on I'd say it's better to leave than to cheat.
2006-12-09 16:56:56 · answer #5 · answered by blacksun 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No, don't step out...you could precipitate a messy affair and risk destroying your family. There are a lot of things still to try to get sex back in your marriage. She should tell her doctor about her lack of interest in sex for one. Secondly, there is a kind of viagara now for women. You might need a sex therapist rather than a marriage counselor. But make it clear to her this is a major problem for you. If she thinks you might cheat on her, it may wake her up. Don't go behind her back. Give her a chance to correct the problem.
2006-12-09 16:55:44 · answer #6 · answered by Raven 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Get medical help for your wife and then some serious counseling for both of you. If you want to save your marriage you have to stop asking people who are not experts and get the best help possible. If that does not work you will at least have the guilt of not having tried lifted from you. You will know you did everything you could do.
2006-12-09 17:19:58 · answer #7 · answered by fancyname 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm married but if I were in your shoes I would have to say do what you have to do to be happy. Especially if she's not really wanting to do the whole counseling thing. It sucks when you're in a relationship like that and you really lover the person but things arent the way they should be. Hope everything works out for you
2006-12-09 16:52:41 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Stepping out will complicate this a zillion times over.
You need to a) ask your counselor what the next step is; b) consider holding her to the comment of love - what does that mean to her; "make up to you" - ditto.
Don't add up the score to give yourself an excuse.
If you had prostate cancer and lost the ability to perform - what would you want her to do if she was sexually active?
2006-12-09 17:02:10 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think she needs professional help to find out why
she reacts this way. Only a psychologist can help with what
is happening in her mind. A doctor can see if her body is ok.
Pain during sex could be something serious or not.
You sure love her to be so patient.
Good luck and my best wishes to both of you.
2006-12-09 16:59:21 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋