Poem... hecklers need not read or post, constructive not critical please.?

Question

My ex asked me to write a poem for him... what do you think.. does it express clearly how I feel... do you think he would get how I'm feeling?


Two Peas

Two peas in a pod... what we were destined to be...

You keep professing love.. but I just can't see

Your words and actions... speak of intentions unkind

To her your body is given... but you say your heart is still mine

Your silence with me... has my love now undone

No longer do I want our lives to one day be as one

You can't have us both... I deserve better than this

So I tell you goodbye now... but what I thought we had I will always miss....

Not my husband... ex fiancee... and yes I do love him with all my heart but he has chosen to be with someone who is living in same city with him physically but says he wants to "do this" and will I give him time because his heart is still mine.... I think he is lying and just trying to have us both.

Answer 1

VERY GOOD INDEED, I CAN SEE OTHERS USING YOUR POEM.

Answer 2

It does express clearly how you feel, and he will get it. (Whether he will admit that to you is another matter), and since he is already playing games with your emotions, you should expect to defend yourself and your feelings.

As for the poem itself, first, a comment for Legandivori: If we are going to give constructive criticism, we shouldn't just replace the poets lines with our own, which in this case are not more poetic. She needs to express herself her own way.

Your first line has a metaphor and an image, both of which mesh nicely; the picture of two peas in a pod and that those pea are your joint destiny.

But the rest of the poem is just a series of statements about feelings.

The rhymes are nice, and your scheme is consistent (aa, bb, cc, dd). But the rhythm needs a little fixing. your scansions yields lines of unequal length and discordant meter.

But as a poem, the idea is solid and you are going from the beginning to the decisive denouement.

Take a moment to read the poetry of Dorothy Parker, Sarah Teasdale, and some modern English poets.

If you go to the Guardian, UK, Poetry workshop page, at http://books.guardian.co.uk/poetryworkshop/ you can read lessons from modern poets, and see other new attempts at poetry.

Really, read Dorothy Parker, Sarah Teasdale. They met a few cads like yours, and were quite eloquent about them.

Answer 3

Edited and suggrestions: It is important to write in our modern venacular with modern language.

Two Peas

Two peas in a pod... what we were destined to be...
should read:
Two peas in a pod...our destiny

You keep professing love.. but I just can't see
should read:
YOur words of love have disappeared from view

Your words and actions...unkind intentions

To her your body is given... but you say your heart is still mine
should read:
you gave her yourslef, yet you say your heart is still with me

Your silence with me... has my love now undone
should read:
love has left me since you became silent

No longer do I want our lives to one day be as one
should read:
I no longer want you

You can't have us both... I deserve better than this
should read:
UYou cant have both of us...I desrve better

So I tell you goodbye now... but what I thought we had I will always miss....

should read:
I will miss what I never had...
Goodbye forever

Answer 4

Great poem - it expresses how you do love your husband, but you don't want a third party. So he cannot have his cake and eat it too. He has to select between you and his mistress. Because you won't tolerate infidelity. You would rather leave him than staying with him when he has another girl. And if he truly loves you, he will choose only you. Did I get it right?

Answer 5

i liked its better then mine