Help I do not have any friends and unsure why?

Question

I have not been out for 8 yrs and I panick at the thought of going out. I always make excuses. I can do friendly and superficial with friends and family but I really panic if someone from work asks me out. I was invited to a xmas do...but politely refused. I just feel that I am so behiind the times and have no life thatsooner or later I will be the subject of gossip, that so caled friends will tire of me and I will eventually get hurt.

I only feel open enoough with my nieces and possiblymy sister. I just see a lot of falseness in people and I am scared people will take advantage.Like last year the same work girls went out and they took the piss out of one of the girls because she wears the same dress each year. I don't want false friends therfore would prefer to be alone but then i also feel I am missing out too. Help what do I do?

I'm 31 single and female. The last time I went out was oct 2005, the time before that was Aug 2002, and the time before that Feb 1999. I have not had

a relationship with a man really. The last time I had sex was 1999 and it was an inappropriate unequal relationship with a man 26 yrs older than me. I have on and off abused drugs and food to escape a lot of hurt. I just want things to change but scared of letting anyone in to help in case they throw it back in my face like my family have done.

Answer 1

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Take some changes. If someone extends an offer, take it.

Answer 2

I can relate to how you feel. I went through a period myself many years ago after a few bad relationships with men (they were poor choices, I might add...) where I became anti-social. My friends gave up on me after awhile. I began to feel too comfortable with my own company and it became an unhealthy rut. I suffered from social anxiety and lingering depression. At one point, I literally had to force myself to get out. and I am glad I did because I am much happier for it. I am a little on the shy side and it was not easy.

I think that deep down you must feel that you are in a desperate situation or you wouldn't post a question here. That's a good sign because it means that you are ready to re-evaluate your expectations. You don't have to like everyone you meet, but you should maybe realize that not everyone is perfect. An imperfect friend is better than no friends. Also, the girls that made fun of the others...who cares? Yes, it may be insensitve but there is no need to get wrapped up in every social faux pas committed by others. Yes, women can be catty, but I think you are being hyper-sensitive.

Ask yourself - do you want to be like this 10 years from now? If the answer is "no" then get ready to make some changes. I would recommend seeing a counselor. They will help you talk this out. The thing that is good about counseling is that they are a neutral third party who will not judge you, just try to help you.
.

Answer 3

Thank you for having the guts to ask this question. I'm in a very similar situation myself and reading some of these answers have made me realise a few things. Firstly, I think all the people who have said that it's because people like us have too high expectations of other people are dead right. I've been let down by so many people in my life so far I feel like I can't take anymore most of the time. However, I've realised that people aren't perfect - including myself. If you go out there expecting to find a bunch of perfect people to hang out with then you'll never find them because they don't exist. I once read a saying "A friend is someone who looks over your broken fence to admire the flowers in your garden." I think this says it all. You have to accept people as they are - flaws an' all - because that is what you expect others to do with you, otherwise they are just 'false friends' as you call them. If you find some new friends and they do upset you, you have the right to ask them about it and talk to them about what it is that upset you. My best friend and I have been best mates for 17 years now and we have had some corking arguments! I believe our friendship has remained so strong for so long because of our ability to talk and argue - and accept each others differences and just move on after our arguments.

Once again, thank you for asking this question as there are more people who have this same problem than you realise. You are not alone and I hope you can overcome this obstacle that is holding you back. Good luck, I hope this helps :)

Answer 4

Get out there and be YOU. There is no reason for you to feel so insecure and no reason that you can't make friends other than you've made yourself completely unavailable to friends. Saying no to the Christmas party was just another way of isolating yourself from people. STOP IT! Go tell that person you will go and do it. You will be disappointed if you keep living so isolated. So, you had a nasty relationship. If I had let my last creep bf get to me that way, I would be crying in a corner somewhere also.

You are a woman, now act like it with class. Go mingle at the party. Drink a little wine and losen up. Show people you are worth the time to get to know you.

Answer 5

I am not a psychotherapist who can diagnose you,unlike some on this site. But I do know that the answer lies in your question. Maybe, if you say you always make excuses, people get fed up with them (excuses) and you.It is evident that you are unsure of yourself and those around you. The (Mis)use of drugs in the past can cause people to be paranoid. Perhaps if you did accept an invitation to go out with workmates it would be nice, not sure how old your sister is but could you both not go out together until you felt more secure? Best wishes to you. I mean that I am not false. Human beings deserve more than that. IM me if you wish, I'm always good for a chin wag. And won't discuss anything with which you are unhappy.

Answer 6

I felt the same anxiety after the war. I didn't like crowds so I avoided the malls and places like that. This was a problem at first because my family wanted to take me out about the town and I wanted to see what was different out there as well.Anyhow I started to talk to people about this and I found my own network through them. I learned to socialize again. To say hi and smile at a total stranger felt okay after a while. Talk to people about your dliemma, don't keep it inside. They are your friends. Enlist their help. They will have a better understanding of you and what makes you apprehensive around people. If I knew this about you I could understand that you're not a anti-social person. If I didn't know, I'd probably wonder if I rubbed you the wrong way.Talk to your friends. You cannot do this alone. Family is good but an extensive network of friends is even better. Good luck!

Answer 7

Don't feel alone on this issue, I have been going through the same thing myself and am a similar age to you. The strange thing is, I have a good career and on the outside, no one would ever guess I have no real friends. I think its because I feel really insecure about myself and I find it hard to keep up a conversation and thus keep friends. I have been trying to make myself busy, but I agree its hard. I know what you mean about falseness of people, I see that all the time. I am planning to move out of the area I am living in - I find it too cold and unfriendly. I am hoping where I a going to, I will find friends more easily. Take care of yourself. I hope you find happiness.

Answer 8

Just know that most people aren't perfect. It sounds like you have incredibly high expectations and an unrealistic view of general friendship. Friends range in purpose. Some are just too hang out with when you are sad or bored. Others share common interests like shopping or sports. Only 1 or 2 are really close, reliable, and caring friends. But, you find those close friends by interacting with the others and seeing who is trustworthy and who you click with overtime. First, you have to get out there. You have to have tough enough skin to take the risk.

Don't trip if one or two people don't like you, say ugly things or talk about you. You have to know who you are. You'll never develop friends if you are waiting on someone to think perfectly of you especially since you don't appear to think very highly of yourself.

I find it interesting that a few people took pot shots at you and we have no idea how you look, what you do for a living, how you dress etc...You're an easy target not because of your past problems or your external appearance. You're an easy target because you choose to be. You choose to highlight the worst about yourself. Change that and you'll see how others react to you change. Good Luck!

Answer 9

look if it's any consolation I'm in the same boat apart from the boyfriend part, I'm married, my best friends are my sisters and i don't care what anyone thinks, because like you I've experienced my so called friends getting off on the misfortune of others and it's something i don't want to be surrounded by. i get panic attacks and the thought of socialising makes me feel sick, but I've found that it's all a matter of habit and lately I'm writing down what i will do the night b4, I'll get up in the morning and just do it, its hard to break a habit i know but set yourself goals,small ones especially for the new year and tell yourself that you are doing them no matter what. do an evening course or something, give people a chance they might surprise you, you might even meet your knight in shining armour. why would people tire of you, i don't think they will if you just stop analysing the friendship, you just need to work on your confidence, do what i do pretend you 're confident even if you're not. good luck my friend, i will be thinking of you

Answer 10

well u arent gonna find a perfect person it just aint gonnna happen. if u putm ur faith in people people arent perfect and make mistakes and will let u down. however there are good people out there u just need to find them in the right places. but if u go around thinking that everyone will one day let u downu will never have any friends.

all that i can tell u is that u need to put urself out there and take a chance u need to remember that people arent perfect so u will have dissapointments but dont let that get u down because i am sure that u make mistakes to. we all do. i dont have alot of friends because i set the bar really high maybe that is ur problem as well. all u need to do is maybe take some of these ppl offer to go out and take a chance it is the only way that u are going to make any friends

i dont know what else to tell u. but u cannot as i said go around thinking that everyone u meet will one day let u down because i gurantee they will at some point. i dont know but maybe u also have some self worth issues u must have a good understanding of yourself because u are altleast reachin out for help. i would also suggest that u go see a councelor , doesnt make u crazy or weird , and try to work through some of these self esteim or lack of faith in ppl because there are alot of good ppl out there. i mean i hope that this answer was helpful to u and i wish u the best of luck

Answer 11

I've never met you and am sure i don't fully understand your situation, but for what its worth you sound like a really genuine person who knows her problem but is affraid to admit it and change.

The easiest way to change is in small doses. Humans by their nature don't like change. So take small steps. Like someone lese said, used chat rooms. They are face less so you don't have to worry about making yourself seem stupid or anything. Go to a chat room and chat! It sounds obvious but its one of the main reasons i can communicate effectively and with the opposite sex.

Set yourself some goals. You've turned down the office party this year, so make your goal to go to the office party at xmas next year. Its a long way away, it give you time to prepare and build your confidence.

In answer to your question, you probably don't have friends because you don't socialise that much. Try small doses of socialising and the rest should come naturally.

I really hope my words of adivce help you and that your confidence grows!