it's not very good, so i really need your suggestions:
You don't know me.
You think you do,
But you don't.
I can pull the rabbit out of the hat,
When you think you're my friend
I won't tell you everything,
You don't have to tell me everything.
That's fine, because when people really know me,
They hate me, scoff at me, or worse,
Pity me.
I don't know me.
I feel like I can't know me.
Like there's a part of me, locked up.
You don't know me,
I don't know me.
Do any of us really know eachother?
Ourselves?
2006-12-09 07:37:07 · 8 answers · asked by polaris grl 3 in Education & Reference ➔ Words & Wordplay
I think that your core idea is interesting and this poem is worth working on.
Suggestions:
Cut out as many words as you can, and still have the poem "feel" the same.
Don't worry about proper grammar, or punctuation, it's a poem.
Pay attention to repeated words. Used carefully, they have power. Used abundantly, they become boring.
Really pare it down to the skeleton and involve the reader/listener by making them make connections.
I like the line breaks, alot.
Each stanza feels like a haiku.
If you use the above suggestions and come up with something you are happy with I'd love to see it.
2006-12-09 07:58:59 · answer #1 · answered by heart o' gold 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's good as long as it comes from the heart.
You sound like you have a lot to say and want to
write it down on paper or anywhere else.
Creative minds think for themselves and our their
best critics! I write my own poems too, and I share them.
I won't change what I say, only if I want to.
And because it sounds so real, your poem is real!
Krazy Libra
2006-12-09 07:40:57 · answer #2 · answered by krazy_libra_from_ac 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
So fantastic for sixth grade! you realize quite some poems do no longer rhyme. often times it truly is extra perfect to state your theory in captivating language with out the worry of rhyming. look up "free verse poetry".. i imagine you'll like the conception of it. sensible lady!
2016-11-25 01:16:13 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's really great, but go to the theasaurus for more vivid words. A little more vivid wording is all that is needed. Otherwise, it's a beautiful poem!
2006-12-09 08:30:34 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
thats not bad! i really like it. it's very deep and thoughtful. i was actually kind of feeling depressed right now... it helped a little bit. thank u! i think u answered my question!
2006-12-09 07:39:17 · answer #5 · answered by ♫ninja_turtle♫ 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its a good poem.
2006-12-09 07:55:39 · answer #6 · answered by Grapy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i think you need more and better metaphors instead of coming straight out with lines that seem very detatched from wut you are trying to say
2006-12-09 07:39:26 · answer #7 · answered by x_hammurabi_x 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I *kind of* like it :-)
2006-12-09 07:41:33 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋