2006-12-09 06:38:49 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Entertainment & Music ➔ Polls & Surveys
Any word my friend would say certain day the we were in Vancouver, I had the best laughs of my life.
2006-12-12 15:16:23 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 5⤊ 0⤋
It's a religious joke but funny none-the-less. I can't take credit for it. I copied it from another user on here because I though it was hilarious.
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me" .
12) The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
2006-12-09 07:35:14 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
there's this guy named Goldberg who boasts to his boss that he knows everyone there is to know. the boss doubts him so Goldberg's sets out to prove it: name someone and I bet i know him. the boss says Tom cruise, so Goldberg says: tom, he's an old buddy of mine. the boss doesn't believe him so they go to Cruise's house and Cruise lets them in saying : Goldberg , i haven't seen you in such a long time how have you been! the boss says that's just a coincidence and says the president so they go to the white house and the pres. sees Goldberg and says: Goldberg i was going to a meeting but why don't you come join me for some tea. The boss still doesn't believe him so he says the pope. So, Goldberg and his boss go to the Vatican and there's a huge crowd. so Goldberg says give me 15 mins. I'll go in there (i know the guards) and I'll come out with the pope. So when Goldberg comes out he finds that the boss had a heart attack and says: boss what happened? the boss says: some Japanese tourist came up to me and said I know that's Goldberg but who's the guy next to him with a beanie.
ther are 2 cows talking one says to the other : have you heard about the whole mad cow thing? The other says : yah kinda makes you glad your a penguin
2006-12-09 06:53:30 · answer #3 · answered by crazycheese_13 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I actually read this one on here but I will share for those of you who didn't see it.
A man goes to a grocery store and is shopping when a woman comes up to him and says "Your barracks door is standing open." He just looked at her like she was crazy and kept moving. Another person came up to him and said "Your zipper is down man." Why didn't she just say that, he wondered irritated. The man saw the woman in the check out line and decided to get her back. So he walked up to her and asked, " When you noticed my barracks door standing open, did you happen to notice a large soldier standing at attention." Without missing a beat she responded, "No, all I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on 2 duffel bags."
Old but still very funny.
2006-12-09 07:02:47 · answer #4 · answered by peach 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have to try to picture this.You ask do you know a 1 arm man counts his change? then you turn around and put your hand down in your pants unzip them pull out one finger and count your change.I had a 1 arm friend that I showed this to.It is the funnest joke I have ever heard and I have heard them all in my 68 years.
2006-12-09 06:54:07 · answer #5 · answered by I'm Jerry 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This isn't really a joke, but it is quite funny so I am going to share it with you!
My mother told me that she was going to get another tattoo! I asked her what it was going to be! She told me that she was going to get a turkey tattooed on the inside of her left thigh and a Christmas tree tattooed on the inside of her right thigh! I asked her why and she said cause men are always b*itching because there is nothing good to eat between Christmas and thanksgiving!
Hope you like this!
2006-12-09 06:47:19 · answer #6 · answered by brandibabe07 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The funniest comic tale i have heard is really lengthy, yet i am going to attempt my perfect to grant you a short one. What Do Michael Jackson and Xbox 360 have in common? toddlers turn them on and they are made from white plastic.
2016-11-25 01:09:22 · answer #7 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8.... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
2006-12-09 06:45:36 · answer #8 · answered by Pinky 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
its not really a joke but...
Girls Night Out
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very faithful and loving wives.
However, they had gotten a bit carried away with the Bacardi Breezes.
Incredibly drunk & walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.
The next day, one woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These damn girls' night out have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties."
"You think that's bad†said the other husband, "Mine is lying in bed with a card stuck in her *** that says:
"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."
2006-12-09 06:42:40 · answer #9 · answered by ♫poison ♥s will never change♫ 5 · 4⤊ 0⤋
a kid and his mother walked into a store tand bought a clown that was waving 5 fingers in the air ( they though it was waving...little idd they know) when they bought it the storeowner said not to leave the kid alone with that clown. the mom wen to the grocery store the next day and left the kid at home. when she came back it was waving six fingers ( if u dont get it he was victum # 6. the clown had killed 5 people when they bought it) hehe. sorry.
2006-12-09 06:42:59 · answer #10 · answered by One Bad Gato 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋