I've told my wife that I beleive that we have a serious problem on our hands with our incompatable sex drives. She has absolutly no sexual desire at all She still won't see anyone, doctor or therapist, but did agree to try harder on her part. Now, when we have a night together coming up she flirts through the day and evening, "can't wait for tonight honey", "I am going to rock your world", or "I want you" but then when that night arrives she is never,,, never in the mood. THIS IS WORSE and I think she is enjoying making it so! At least before, when she was claiming to have grown beyond the need for intimacy, I knew what was coming,,,nothing. How can I get it through to her, an open, honest, heart to heart talk isn't doing the job, that I am serious about this and do not enjoy being played? .
2006-12-09 04:57:37 · 17 answers · asked by MEL 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Several good points have been made here. Also I do catch my self noticing porn, which I am not normaly a big fan of, more as of late. We do have kids but the youngest is now 7 years old so I doubt that should be too much of a factor since the problem is really in the last couple years. Both she and I have gained some weight but nothing too dramatic. She has gained more weight than I but I still find her desirable. She says that it's sex that isn't desirable for her but deep down I suppose I'm worried that it is really me that she no longer wants.
2006-12-09 07:06:00 · update #1
Mel I completely understand what you are going through. Men never stop having a sex drive and women do. Now various situations are of the greatest factors. Did she just a baby? Too tired to have sex. Does she work too much needs more sleep and no time for you maybe? Did she use to be romantic and attentive and just got bored? Is she suffering from depression? Why You may wonder well, several factors indeed that requires both of your attentions. Are you ensuring that you are desirable as well. If you both have kids are you assisting her w/the chores and or ensuring you both have quite time together? No interuptions if you know what I mean. Set the mood for her as well. My husband complained and so he started to look at porn and yes it got my attention since he never did in our relationship. So I basically paid more attention to him and he started to put his effort in the time we made for sex.
Congrats on being the kind of man that at least communicates to his wife just dont waste time. Just have a quicky here and there. That's what you do when you have 3 kids and never time alone. If you dont have kids even easier just romance her since women like the whole foreplay and attention giving challenge. Speak to her in sweet words and give her a foot massage or even neck. You will see by putting yourself out there first gets things going. Since already if you wait for her your just not going to get anywhere.
2006-12-09 05:37:53 · answer #1 · answered by Saena 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If your statement is accurate (and not just a dilusional summary due to extreme hormone levels), this is more serious that "being played". There is something very wrong with anyone in a commited relationship that toys with their spouse in the manner that you describe. That is just downright mean spirited.
It appears that you have tried everything and that you are now on the steps of desperation. Here's what I would do:
1) At a time when emotions are at somewhat normal levels, tell your wife that the marriage is in serious trouble. Let her know that while you love her and are committed to the relationship, she has lost creditibility and that any relationship starts to crumble - regardless of commitment - when trust is lost.
2) At this point, you are not in a negotiating mode, you are now placing the relationship into a probationary state, so you have to be serious about this. Let her know that the for you the relationship has hit bottom and that you are going to go to professional counseling to determine how to cope with the situation. Give her a specific period of time - say a month - to decide a) if she will go with you, and b) agree to follow the advice of the counselor, including going to a doctor to see if there is something organically wrong with her.
3) Depending on the outcome of your counseling sessions, be ready to separate for a while if she keeps procrastinating any action on her part. Your wife has got to understand that because you are serious about this, you are prepared to go to whatever lengths necessary to get her to take it seriously, too. And, that includes separation.
4) If you have to move out for a while, take most of your clothes with you. Simply staying in a hotel for a few days would only mean that you are calling a time out. If she is really in denial, she'll have to see you moving some belongings to "get it". Make arrangements ahead of time to stay with a close friend or relative.
5) Worst case scenario, she never does get it. At that point, you have to make a decision: can you make it on your own (divorce), or are you incapable of living without her under any condition (kids, house, religion, history together, etc.)? Either way, it's your choice. Let the counselor help you through it. Get a good lawyer. If she is refusing conjugal intimacy, you have a valid argument for divorce.
I don't think it will get to #5. She will probably come around.
HOWEVER, understand that if there is something organically wrong with her, or you simply can't abide separation and divorce for whatever reasons, you are going to have to find a way to live without sex - at least with your wife. It can be done. No one every died from celibacy.
Hope this helps. Good luck
2006-12-09 05:20:58 · answer #2 · answered by SafetyDancer 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
FIRST, the more you bring it up to her, the more you will move her away from wanting to talk about it.
I"M SORRY but you will need to do all the hard work here.
TRY A DATE NIGHT, with out saying any thing to her, plan a night, like when your were dating (what ever you did that she liked) dinner and a movie, walk on the beach, something like that.
it is important that the first few times you make no moves on her but be very loving to her, hold hands, kiss her tell, her she looks nice, she will expect you to make a move on her when it is time to go to bed but DO NOT DO IT.
do some thing that she like to do (what ever that is) make it your idea, even if you hate it remember why your doing it, your have to win her love and sexual desire back.
it is the most important thing that you STOP talking about it or hinting about it.
rent a movie (where no one dies) and put your arm around her during it, you need to be very loving with out pushing the sex and you will win it back.
PLEASE TRY, YOU HAVE EVERY THING TO GAIN
2006-12-09 05:12:18 · answer #3 · answered by K. B 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Rough situation, my friend. :(
Go talk to a counselor and tell her that you are going to. Tell her that your needs are not being met and that you feel she is being unfair by teasing you.
She may have something going on with her that she doesn't feel comfortable telling you yet, and if you start seeing a counselor or a sex therapist (or even a marriage counselor), she might recognize the severity of the conflict for you.
I really wish you two the best. Remember that, while sex is a huge part of marriage, it doesn't compare to love and patience. She will eventually come around.
2006-12-09 05:02:06 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Im going to be honest, i do the same to my husband. Its not because i have no desire or drive because i do. But instead of him trying to romance me or try to spice things up a bit, he makes it seem like just just want to put pin put out. That makes it me not in the mood. Try taking her out to a movie and dinner, have some quality time together and the less talk about sex the more she will want it. good luck.
2006-12-09 05:25:07 · answer #5 · answered by gonzalezleon3022 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell her you are through with the promises and not getting any. Either she gets in counseling with you or else. Make sure you are giving her a reason to want to be intimate. Check the hygiene department. Be loving and sometimes bring her little gifts, ask to got out. If you are doing all you can, then there may be something else that you may not know about. Check her body language when you try to kiss her. If she acts as if she doesn`t want you to touch her, then she may be seeing someone else.
2006-12-09 05:04:42 · answer #6 · answered by Sparkles 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
sex is very important in a relationship and if ur not having it then that cant be good. maybe u need to put her in the mood. foreplay and alot of it. using a quote from greg baron " if ur not sleeping with ur spouce then ur just room mates." which is pretty much true. i would sit down and tell her that this is not making ur relationship any easier. i would try talking and making her feel like shes an object of desire. then maybe she will.
2006-12-09 05:05:35 · answer #7 · answered by sara ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Is there something going on in her life or her mind that is causing her not to be in the mood? Talk to her, see if she has a reason, or if she is just playing hard to get. Maybe, if it isn't working just talking to her it may be time to find a marriage counselor.
2006-12-09 05:19:29 · answer #8 · answered by Jinny E 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You know change brings excitment and maybe if you had a new look that will help. Do something romantic, take her out for dinner but not to a nice place but somewhere exotic out of the ordinary. Laugh and Joke and say something to her you haven't said in a long time....And hopefully (Inshallah) all will work!
2006-12-09 05:02:02 · answer #9 · answered by !*Bu8Bu8a*! 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
from a woman to a man in your situation... maybe try ignoring her, turn your back on "her teasing", tone out "her words". Gain a little composure, sure it may be hard, but it sounds like she knows when you have your heart to heart talks...she is telling you everything you want to hear, but not coming through. Good luck
2006-12-09 05:06:11 · answer #10 · answered by georgia k 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋